Hypersonic Missiles

Ada

Johnny offered me something to eat but I wasn't hungry, too much in shock to do anything other than stare down at my bandaged hand.

"When was the last time you ate?" he asked, "you probably need somet..." he said, probably right.
I felt myself chewing my cheek as I tried to count. It hadn't been long, only a day or two, and I'd been getting good at managing my hunger. These days it was easier to get hold of cigs than it was clean water and food.

"Uh, I guess a little while ago," I said giving up on trying to remember, swallowing a lump in my throat when Eli piped back up.

"How long you been on your own for?"

"E..." groaned Rob despairing at his friends blunt questions.

"Am not on my own!" I said a little too quickly, fear catching the light in my eyes. He smirked and shook his head.

"Don't lie lass Sam wouldn't have found you where he found you if you weren't on your own..."

"Eli!" hissed Rob again shooting him a look like if he didn't shut up soon he was going to make him.

I swallowed down and shook my head. I didn't want to cry, not when I wasn't upset. Or at least wasn't upset like they thought I was.

"Plenty of people jump of that bridge all the time an leave other people behind," I said, eyes burning stubbornly as I glared at him, trying not to show my distress. But I'd never been a good liar and in my isolation I had probably grown even worse at masking my emotions.

"yeah and you aren't one of em so why don't you save us all the drama and answer my question..." his own eyes were steely and stubborn too and I knew I wasn't going to win. And suddenly I felt a flush of embarrassment because his eyes were locked on me and I felt small and I felt, once again, stupid.

"you don't have tell us that..." said Rob.

"Doesn't matter anyway I don't know," I said quickly and quietly, trying to smile and laugh it off though it wasn't really much of a laughing matter.

"Shit," said Sam next to me, "what happened..."

"Lads cmon for christ..." sighed Rob, his own grin similar to mine. Not really smiling but instead trying to laugh despite the despair.

"I don't know," I chewed my cheek, it wasn't really something I'd had too much of a chance to think about. They'd just gone one by one. "Over time people just didn't come home I guess... They're dead I guess... Like everyone else, an I just... I guess I lost track of time" saying it then felt strange, felt like I was talking about somebody else's family, somebody else's lonely story.

"You really don't know how long you've been on your own for?" asked Sam looking down at me with something like pity in his eyes. When I shook my head I felt his fingers link with mine under the table and then he offered me a small smile, like he understood.

"Not really like," I said, even quieter then, glaring down into my lap, not wanting to tell them too much and yet feeling as though I really had nothing to lose, "Me brother Danny went reet at the beginning, when all them suicides were gan on... Think he probably jumped into the Tyne like," I said, "don't really know about me mam but a guess it were bad cause a think me dad mighta killed someone over it... "

"And what about your dad?" asked Eli, chivvying me along, not so much impatient but looking at me with an intensity that made me squirm a little.

"A. .. I don't know, he just didn't come back one day so I guess somet happened..." I chewed my cheek, trying not to look at any of them, embarassed by my story because I wasn't naive. We all had stories and no one had it worse than anyone else. We'd all probably lost everyone we loved. None of these lads looked like brothers. Maybe they were friends now but they probably hadn't always been.