Hypersonic Missiles

Eli

****Trigger Warning: towards the end of this there's an upsetting scene which involved child death, I'll put stars before and after it so you can skip******

To say I felt guilty was an understatement, more than an understatement. I could feel her still trembling in my arms. I'd done that to her, the poor little thing was shaking like a leaf because of me, because I'd gotten carried away, forgotten who I was talking to. She hadn't needed to hear any of that shit and yet at the time, in the moment, the truth of the matter was all I could think of to convince her of the facts. 

She hadn't said a word since the lads had come in, just sat there silent and shivering with fear beneath the weight of my arm around her shoulders and though I wondered whether being sat with me was making her feel worse, I didn't want to let go of her because she seemed so vulnerable. She needed protecting and as far as I was concerned I was the best person to look after her, so I would. 

"Ada," I said lowering my voice so as not to spook her. Still she flinched at the sound of me, "Ada little one I can feel you shaking, I know you're still frightened," I said growing more awkward by the second because with every word I uttered to her, her total lack of response reminded me that it was my fault. "Listen sweetheart its okay alright, I'm sorry I scared you," I said softly, rubbing soothing lines over her shoulder with my thumb, hoping she could forgive me, put a little faith in me, "I did mean it though, you're not a burden to us, you're not and I never want you to feel that way... you're..." I trailed off biting the inside of my mouth, trying to pick my words. There were a lot of things she was, tiny, adorable, precious and lovely... but I didn't know how to tell her those things and I didn't want to either. They weren't relevant things and after everything I thought she'd probably been through, she didn't need to hear someone like me tell her those things. She knew she was small, vulnerable... and she wouldn't take to hearing any kind of admiration or affection. She wouldn't trust that, not after a run in with the men I thought she'd had a run in with. 

It was hard though, so hard, because she was all of those things. From the second Sam had brought her to us and I'd seen her for the first time, I'd felt my heart in my throat. I'd found it impossible to keep my eyes off her, impossible to fight back the affection she stirred in me. And I couldn't understand it, didn't like it. They were inconvenient feelings; the kind of feelings which if allowed to fester would only end up causing more trouble than they were worth, this wasn't the kind of life for letting people into your heart. They weren't reciprocated feelings and, how could I ever expect them to be, now or in the future. They were the kind of feelings which clouded judgement and set tempers flaring. I'd already caught myself glaring at Sam, a jealous knot in my stomach when I saw how she melted into his embrace. 

"You're..." I chewed my cheek and looked down at her, I couldn't even tell whether she was listening to me or not which only made the whole thing even more awkward. I hesitated to catch her cheek with my hand, using only two fingers to tilt her vision around to look up at me. I needed to see her eyes as I spoke, needed her to see mine so that she could see that I meant her no harm at all, that I meant to care for her and keep her safe, "you're one of us now yeah, that means you're important to... to us, we look after each other yeah... I'm taking care of you now but you never know one day it might be the other way round... we're friends..."

She looked at me properly then, narrowing her eyes at me curiously, chewing her own cheek, looking just as nervous as ever. 

"I know," she nodded, her voice barely breaking a whisper. It wasn't good enough for me though, she was still shaking and I could still see the whites of her eyes, I could still see her fear plain as day. 

"I scared you pretty bad before didn't I?" I asked wincing when she nodded her little head again and I felt the guilt twist in my stomach, "I'm sorry sweetheart," I said swallowing the guilty lump in my throat, struggling with the tight feeling in my jaw, "I shouldn't have said all that to you, you didn't need to hear it,"