Subtle Endearment

21. Cherished Time

Kira

"Kira, is everything alright?" Ian asks as I open my front door.

"No," I say, folding my arms. I don't have to look in a mirror to know that my eyes are puffy and red from crying. Violet had dropped me off just twenty minutes ago. She'd offered to stay but I told her I needed to talk with Ian alone.

"Ian, when I agreed to start seeing you I said I'd stay with you as long as you don't lie to me," I begin. Ian looks behind him before closing the door behind him.

"Is this about Stubborn Elites," he says guiltily.

"Yeah, it is," I say, wiping my eyes. "Why didn't you tell me you were a part of the mafia?" I ask approaching him.

"I didn't know how to," he begins.

"Liar, you had every opportunity to tell me and you didn't. I could've been killed and the worse part is I never would've known why," I say punching his chest. He winces with the first punch but quickly adjusts as I deliver more blows. The force of my punch gets weaker with each hit, not that it was strong to begin with. Why didn't he tell me?

"I was scared I was going to lose you," he says looking down at his shoes.

"No, you don't get to be sad. Not when you could've cost me my life. Did you even care about me at all?" I scream in frustration. I put my hands on my head pacing back and forth in anger as he looks back at me.

"I'm sorry, Kira," he finally says.

"You wouldn't have to be sorry if you told me from the start," I say, taking a spot on the couch in an attempt to calm my nerves. Ian sits on the other side of the couch leaving space in between us.

"I haven't had the freedom to do what I want in years. I knew that Madam Melanie would take matters into her own hands but I never expected her to go this far," Ian says, running his hands through his hair.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Madam Melanie is the head of Stubborn Elites, I take orders from her but this is the first time I'm going against her. I know I should've told you about Stubborn Elites but when I met you I was convinced I finally had a reason worth living for," Ian says. His words seem tacky but I can sense his sincerity.

"What about the company?" I ask not really wanting an answer but wanting to direct attention away from his confession.

"It's made up of people associated with Stubborn Elites, Landon and I are directly under Madam Melanie while some people like Violet have close relatives in the mafia," Landon says, confirming my suspicions.

"What about you, have you kill people?" I ask not thinking things could get any worse.

"You shouldn't ask questions you don't want the answer to," Ian responds looking away.

"No, I want an answer," I assure him passive-aggressively.

"It's not my area of expertise but I'd be lying if I said I never killed anyone before when ordered," he responds.

"Great, so my boyfriend's a murderer and I work at a company run by the mafia," I say, covering my face with my hands as I feel tears coming again.

"Ian, I don't think this is going to work," I say looking down at my lap. "I can't be with you knowing that I'll have to look over my shoulder all the time," I continue. "It's better that w-we-" I stutter.

"Go our separate ways," Ian finishes through tears. We sit in silence for an uncomfortably long time before Ian finally speaks.

"I don't want to leave you." Ian says.

"I don't want to leave you either." I say moving towards him. Silence ensues as we gaze into each other's eyes as if the silence could keep us in the moment forever.

"Can I kiss you one last time," Ian asks, finally breaking the silence. From the couch I see that he's standing inches away from me. I nod "yes."

Ian offers a hand to me and I take it. One of his arms slides to my waist. My heart seems like it's going to burst as he runs his hand over my cheek, his face is inches from mine. Chills run down my spine as he moves his finger to my lips, rubbing his thumb across my lower lip.

Ian takes the initiative, closing the already small gap between us. His lips graze mine as he pulls my body closer and holds the back of my head with his other hand. Ian presses his lips to mine smiling into the kiss just before breaking away. He puts his forehead to mine. "Meri jaan, I've never been this happy before."

" I guess we don't have as much time as I thought we did," I remark as a tear falls from my eye. Ian stares back at me, I can see that a million things are circling inside his head. I wrap my arms around his neck connecting my lips with his falling into his embrace deeper and deeper. If this is the last moment I'll have with him, I'll savor it. No doubts, no regrets, from either of us.

"Don't think too hard, it's not a good look on you," I say, getting a smirk from Ian. "I love you, Kira," Ian says. All the tears I had so desperately held back come flowing like a flood with those three words.

"I love you too, Ian," I say. Ian wipes my tears away as I position myself back to sitting. Ian lies his head in my lap as I do and I stroke his hair as a Disney movie plays on the tv.

"Ian, I've been thinking," I begin unsure how to phrase the question that's been on my mind for some time now.

"Go ahead, I'll answer anything you say truthfully," he assures me.

"What does Meri Jaan mean? It's not a name is it?" I ask.

"I thought you'd never ask. Meri Jaan means 'my love' in Hindi," Ian informs me.

"It does?," I ask, turning to face him.

"It does," he confirms.

"Kira, I refuse to let you go. I'm going to find a way. Even if we have to run away,," Ian says suddenly.

"Ian, it's been a long time since I've been this happy. I want to be with you forever... but for now let's just treasure this moment. I'm here with you and that's all that matters right now," I say, planting a kiss on his cheek.

"You're right," Ian agrees.

"Yeah, let's just rest on it," I say, closing my eyes. Silent tears stream down my cheeks once again. I don't mean to be a burden to Ian but it seems that's all I've been since I arrived in his life.

"Meri Jaan, don't cry. I'll fix things for us and we'll be together without any threats," Ian assures me as he pulls me into his embrace once again. I know that what he says is honest but by what means does he intend to gain that freedom? Am I really worth it? Are we worth it?

"Ian, I'm really happy I met you, I love you" I say ruffling Ian's hair. But we can't go on like this. It's not healthy for me or you."

I'll fix this" Ian repeats, his doey eyes ever so present even under the darkness of the room. That night, for the first time in months I'm able to drift off to sleep at peace with myself and with a sense of control over my position.