Jester (Man x Man) ✔

19) r i s k s

Human mind is a complex thing. You could spend years running after something, thinking once you get it your life is going to be all better. Maybe you believe you'll be happy once you get that pay raise or once you fit in your old jeans again. Maybe you're waiting for the love of your life. 

Yet it often turns out that those things only give you momentary happiness, before you adapt into your new reality and you keep wanting new things. You start running after something else, because you think that would be the thing that's going to make your life all better. Meanwhile you forget to stop and appreciate what you have, that you already have what it takes to be happy.

Eli watched how the customer walked out of the door, letting it swing shut behind her. In the backroom Mr. Kaplan was on the phone, his voice rising and falling. The coffee machine was brewing, filling the room with a scent of fresh coffee. Eli's stomach rumbled, reminding him how hungry he was.

He had been on a job interview the day before, but it was unlikely he would get the job. Although Eli was trying to keep his worry at bay, his fingernails were bitten to the quick and he could barely sleep at night. A couple of days ago Eli had gotten a call from his landlord, who had told him to pay the rent in a week or lose the apartment. 

The door opened, making the small bell above it ring. The sound brought Eli back to the Earth and he lifted his gaze. He was prepared to give one of those businesslike smiles to the customer, but once he saw who was walking towards the counter his lips curved up on their own account.

"Hi." Benjamin greeted Eli, glanced around and leaned closer to peck his lips over the counter. "When is your break?"

"It should have started already, but I'll have to wait until.." Eli began, but let his voice trail off when Mr. Kaplan appeared from the backroom. 

"Yes, you can go." The man waved his hand dismissively and walked to the counter limping slightly. He was getting old and there was something wrong with his hip, which Eli suspected to be one of the reasons for his lousy mood.

They only had half an hour, so Benjamin took Eli to the nearby park to have lunch. It was a cold day in the beginning of February, but the sun was shining and the sky was clear. They sat on the same bench Eli had sat on the day that was supposed to have been his last. He thought about the audiobook he had been listening to and how the pumpkin spice latte had warmed him up just enough. 

"I brought sushi." Benjamin grinned proudly and took two cases out of his bag, placing one of them on Eli's lap.

"Woah, so this day was worth waking up for after all." Eli laughed and started opening the case eagerly. 

He pushed away the thought of that day and focused on the guy sitting next to him. Despite the stress and the weight of keeping the real state of his financial issues from Benjamin, everything was good in that moment. Eli had a proper meal to fill his stomach with and he was sitting in a park with someone who made everything worth fighting for. He wanted to open his mouth and tell Benjamin everything, but he couldn't bring himself to spoil the moment.

"Are you coming for dinner tonight?" Benjamin had already consumed half of his sushi and he was trying to decide which one to eat next, so he didn't turn to look at Eli.

"Yeah, but I'm seeing Ash, so I might be late." Eli agreed as soon as he had swallowed the content of his mouth.

"I'll wait." Benjamin smirked happily. 

After that they ate in silence, keeping in mind how short Eli's break was. Once they were done, Eli lit a cigarette and wished they could just stay there the rest of the day. He wanted to open up, to tell everything before the stress would eat him alive.

"Benjamin, there's something I need to —" When Eli finally opened his mouth, Benjamin's phone chose the worst possible timing to start ringing. Benjamin glanced at Eli apologically before answering the call. 

"Okay, okay, I'll come. Just hang in there." Benjamin sighed, a frown on his face, and ended the call. "Judith is meeting a client and there's something wrong with the wiring, so she's about to lose her marbles."

"Okay." Eli nodded and helped Benjamin clear up the empty cases, so that they could start hurrying back.

"Can we talk tonight?" Benjamin asked then, absent-mindedly like his mind was already in the office and what chaos would wait for him there.

It might already be too late by then, Eli thought. What he said out loud was: "Yeah, of course."

"Good, see you tonight." Benjamin smiled and leaned in to capture Eli's lips in a soft kiss before turning to leave.

"Benjamin." Eli called after him, making him stop and turn to look at him. I love you, was what Eli wanted to say, but the words got stuck in his mouth like they always did. "See you tonight."

••••

"Miles isn't coming today?" Eli turned to look at Ash who was walking next to him, his hands stuffed deep in his pockets and his ice blonde hair ruffled up in the wind.

"He promised to call when he knows." A brief smile spread on Ash's lips, but soon he was back to his more familiar solemn expression. 

"I still can't believe you're dating him." Eli grinned and took another drag from his cigarette. Of course he and Steven had seen it coming ever since Miles managed to make Ash smile, but they still liked to banter about it every other minute.

"I still can't believe you're dating." Ash shot back, looking down at his shorter friend. It was a fair point, since Eli had spent the past five years haranguing how he would never start dating anyone, but had now been with Benjamin for months.

"Me neither." Eli quashed the rest of his cigarette in the ashtray rather forcefully, trying not to show how nervous he was. 

They used to go to FAB every other day, if not even every day, and it had always felt like another home to Eli, but lately something about it had started to feel different. A part of him had started to like staying in more than going out.

That same part also made him not want to drink every other day, and he simply preferred the company of one specific person instead of a night club full of strangers. 

This time Eli didn't have much choice. He had tried to be good, to make things work the way Benjamin wanted. He had tried and it hadn't worked, so now he was running out of options. Eli kept telling himself Benjamin had only told him to not do anything that involved drugs and that in theory he wasn't doing anything wrong, but of course he knew he was. He knew painfully well that whatever he would end up doing that night, would put everything at risk. And he knew nothing was worth the risk of losing Benjamin.

"Are you coming or what?" Ash lifted an eyebrow at Eli, while keeping the door open by leaning against it.

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You might want to get your Kleenex ready for the next chapters..