A (long) note for you

AN ATTEMPT TO CONTACT YOU

Hi! It's me again. As you can see, I haven't finished writing to you yet. I think there is a lot more that hasn't been said that is worth reading. New year, new me as the saying goes! The new me has promised to be more mature, and maturity comes with honesty. Being honest with yourself means acknowledging and owning your feelings. The first feeling that comes to mind is frustration. "I'm a piece of shit" is what's been on my mind for a while lately. You may ask yourself "Why would I think that?" Well, because day by day I realize what a jerk I can and do be. I've always prided myself on being a paragon of virtue, uncompromising, benevolent and above all thoughtful. The least toxic person in the world. However, our relationship opened my eyes to many things...which I blithely ignored out of sheer denial. I didn't finally realize this until much later.

I never described myself as a jealous person. Even though I was always the first to point out my flaws, I never identified jealousy as a part of me. I always thought of a jealous person as someone who was toxic, possessive, and impossible to let others have their way. I knew you as this independent, free-spirited, untameable woman, which is what attracted me to you the most. You didn't need a guy to show you off, you were a bad bitch, you knew that no matter what, nothing could bring you down. That rubbed off on me. I gained confidence, I got to know people. I can't thank you enough for being the source from which I drew to (try to) become the best version of myself. Nevertheless, 2020 was a pivotal year in our relationship. One event, this event will have plunged me into a constant neurosis whenever you were away from me. I did not want to leave you alone, because I would not have been able to protect you. Every day I keep telling myself what I could have done better, and I know it's selfish of me, but I can't ignore it. I have lost confidence in myself because I could not protect the apple of my eye. I lost faith in the world that could have hurt you. I lost confidence in the future of this distance that would have been all the greater in the future. All this came to me as you were going out, you were moving away, you were alone. I became what I never imagined I would be, jealous. The worst part of it all is that I chose to hide my insecurities to keep you safe, or so I thought. I did the opposite of what I always said: never hesitate to talk to me if you're not feeling well.

(Sighs) Pride, that beautiful abomination!. One prefers to deny oneself rather than accept reality and indulge in the dream of obstinacy. You are precious to me and not even the greatest pride will prevent me from admitting it. Yes, I was jealous, yes, sometimes I still am. I hope that one day you can forgive me for being a coward and not telling you sooner.I loved what we went through, because we were able to pull each other up, we discovered each other. I only wanted and still want your happiness, even if I contributed to your sadness and unhappiness at one point. Sometimes I sleep and dream of a world where we were perfect. We weren't. I was not perfect. You were not either. And my biggest mistake was believing that we had to be for our relationship to last forever. In my heart I still hope that in some universe we got back together. I still hope that in that universe we have faced adversity and moved on to the better. I still hope that in that universe I don't hesitate to communicate. I still hope that in that universe you see what I am writing to you. So, tell me, does this universe have a chance to exist in your eyes?

I hope those won't be my last words to you...