If Only You Knew

CHAPTER FOUR

My body trembled hard without control as I walked back to the class. I felt lightheaded and out of breath when I apologized for being late and joined the group with the discussion. But with everything that just happened, it was impossible to keep my concentration on the project.

Kegan had revealed the one thing I didn't want anyone to know. Now he knew exactly what I felt for him. Or maybe he always did, considering it was him that brought it up first.

I only wanted to escape his gaze and calm down for a second so that I could focus more on the group work. I only wanted to have a second to myself in the empty toilet to collect myself before I had to go back to avoiding him again. But all my plans came crashing down as he showed up outside the toilet and dragged me to the hideout again.

I tried my best to escape him and go back but he was much stronger than I anticipated. He held on to my hand like he never wanted to let go of me.

When he caged me between the wall and himself, I knew I had no way of escape from him. Though I trembled like crazy when he finally spoke, there was something in his voice that made him sound desperate. Longing and yearning for something that he himself quite didn't understand. This somehow made him calm down completely as he drifted into his own thoughts. But the words he said next gave me a mini panic attack.

I was madly in love with him, that was a fact. But the fact that he figured that out so easily made me feel ashamed of myself for being so easy to read. I never wanted anyone to read my feelings like this. I felt humiliated but I knew I had to face him through my anxieties. And that was exactly what I did. I revealed all of my inner feelings to him with confidence for the first time. All I knew was at that point, I had nothing to lose since I never had anything to begin with.

I honestly didn't understand his behavior. The week before, he dragged me there to threaten me. And it seemed as if he didn't want to be bothered by anyone ever. And this week, he did the same thing only because he was annoyed by the distance I put between us. He did it because he couldn't get my attention. I was genuinely scared by him the other day and I was the type to keep myself away from trouble. And that's all I did. I did it to protect myself. And the fact that he found that irritating, was rather odd. It fueled my curiosity in him even more.

As I tried my best to focus on the group, Kegan entered the class with his head low. He didn't gaze at me at all as he took his seat in front of me. I knew this because I was looking at him this time. He looked sad and beaten. As if he was tired of acting tough all the time. I tilted my head I bit, as I struggled on my thoughts.

Maybe, just maybe there is something more than what I was seeing from him. Maybe he's just hiding himself inside an unknown number of shields and walls. There must be more to him than meets the eyes. What I saw on the first day we met might have been completely unapproachable. But what I just saw and experienced fifteen minutes ago, was the absolute opposite of it. So, if I gather all the tiny strands of confidence with in me and try to approach him again, will I stand a chance?

***

Our group project ended when all the four groups presented and explained their outlines. Athena, who clearly loved this class, volunteered to present from our group. She was extremely excited and ended up explaining a bit too much. Prof. Arai laughed a bit because of her over-excitement and praised us for our work before he moved on to the other groups.

If I had to describe Athena is just one word, it would definitely be genuine. She was just one of those rarely genuine people who became friends with someone for who they were. Not for the family background, not for the fame that came with being around an heir and definitely not for the money. People came and left in my life all the time, yet I was never lucky enough to meet someone like her who was so lively and carefree. It was as if she brought a fresh breath into my life.