If Only You Knew

CHAPTER TWENTY SIX

It's been one year already!

I thought to myself as I looked at myself in the hospital washroom mirror. The girl in the mirror looked so different that I almost couldn't recognize her. She looked so skinny and hollow-cheeked that she looked more skeleton than human. Her face was thin and very pale with emphasized cheekbones from the extreme weight loss. She has lost the rosiness in her cheeks, and her lips were almost a light shade of blue and so were her nails. Her raven hair which used to be long and shiny has now lost its shine and was cut evenly 2 inches above her shoulders. The only thing that remained the same was her almond shaped silver eyes that now looked weak and tired.

Yes, that is how I looked now. I have been getting treatment in the hospital for a year now, yet I grew weaker and weaker every day. I have gone through multiples of procedures and a few surgeries to treat or slow down disease. However, none of it seemed to work as it continued to progress rapidly and within just one year of time, I'm only left with the choice of receiving a heart transplant in order to survive. I have lost pounds of weight and also cut my hair short since it's difficult to take care of anything other than my health.

I snapped out of my thoughts when I heard a soft knock on the door. "Sweetie, are you alright in there?" My mother's voice was soft and tender.

"Yes mama, I'm alright. I'm getting dressed now. I'll be out in a minute." I tried to sound strong but failed as my voice cracked a bit. I sighed and quickly put my green hoodie on top of my hospital gown and put on a smile as I came out.

***

"Mama, I have been getting treatment for a year now. And I'm not getting any better and I don't even have much time left. Can I please, just live this short time I have the way I want?" I pleaded with her as I furrowed my eyebrows. It wasn't the first time I had brough up the topic but I determined to win this time.

"Sweetie, don't say you don't have time left! You still have a chance! As soon as you get a donor, you are gonna get fine and li...."

"Mama! I have been waiting for a donor for one whole year and yet I'm still here, waiting!" I cut my mother's words and looked straight at her as tears pooled and drained down her cheeks. I wiped a tear with my thump and cupped her face before I continued. "You know how difficult it is to get a donor for this. It will be a miracle if I ever get one. Time is running, and I will keep getting weaker and weaker each day. And you know very well that I have almost 2 months left."

I swallowed a tear as I continued. "Mama, I miss the outside world. I miss my friends and college. And I miss Kegan so much! And most of all, I miss living. This isn't living mama. This is just giving up on my life and waiting here to die. And I... I don't wanna die like this. I want to go out and live the rest of it before I have to leave. And I'm not saying I'm giving up and waiting to die. I'll take meds and fight every day until I get a donor or... or until I die. But just not here in this hospital room. So, please!"

I dropped my hands and looked down in sorrow and my mother buried her face on my shoulder and hugged me tightly. "Alright, sweetie. Alright."

"Thank you, mama." We stayed liked that until someone knocked on the door. My mother released me and called out to come in.

My best friend Athena and my favorite lecturer Prof. Arai came into the room together. While Athena had visited me every single week without fail, Prof. Arai whom I now addressed as just Yuuji, also visited me every week.

Okay let me rewind a little bit and tell you about some things that happened during my stay here. Well, for starters I continued with my studies. I had been taking all my classes online with my lecturers. It was one of the perks of having an owner of a university as my mother. She made all of this possible for me as soon as I got admitted since she knew very well that I wouldn't want to give up on my studies.