Hey, Russ.
I don't think I will be able to tell you about this in person. So I decided to write a letter for you instead. This way, I could write my thoughts down without getting embarrassed by the way you stare at me.. like you'd always do even from before.
Russieus, I love you. I really do. But the thing is.. I can't keep you for the rest of my life. You can't love someone like me. I don't think you'll ever be happy with me.
Russ, I can't give you the one big happy family that you've always dreamed of. I can't because.. I can no longer conceieve a child. And it's not just because I'm almost forty.
Six years ago, I was hit by an ice cream truck. It had a huge impact on me. My bones were fractured, and some of the reproductive organs that could make me conceive were severely damaged.
Bakit walang articles na lumabas tungkol sa nangyari sa'kin? It's because I paid everyone who witnessed the accident not to say a word about what happened. I didn't wanna lose my dignity. And more importantly, I didn't wanna disappoint you.
Mababaw man 'to para sa iba, pero para sa akin, hindi. I know there's another way to have a child. I can adopt, or that IVF thing my doctor told me about, but I couldn't give a damn about those anymore. Dahil gusto kong bumuo ng pamilya kasama ka. Gusto kong magkaroon ng sariling anak na sa akin mismo galing.. na ako mismo ang nagluwal. I want my child to come from me.
Pero malabo nang mangyari 'yon.
Kaya masisisi mo ba ako kung pilit kitang pinagtatabuyan kahit na mahal kita? Pilit kitang pinagtatabuyan para hindi ka rin magdusa sa sitwasyon kong 'to. You once told me you wanted to build a family of your own. But how can I give you that if I can't even conceive?
I've been depressed for years.. fighting these mixed feelings whether to keep pushing you away and carry this burden on my own or run into your arms and find comfort. I'm torn. I'm lost. I'm sad. I feel.. alone. I need you but I don't want to burden you with my situation. I wanna build a family with you but I can't give you that. I love you so much but I have to let you go.
