Without you

Chapter two

(A/N: I apologize for how long this was! If you want me to make a different story that's not so sad let me know and if you want me to continue this)
Andy's pov*
"Vic where is Carina" I asked as I change out of the hospital gown.
"Her doctor friend said she's in her office and hasn't left since" answered Vic who looks like she hasn't slept in days but considering the circumstances it's understandable.
"Okay I'm going to stop by her office and see if I can talk to her I want to apologize to her" I said as I let Vic tie my shoes since it hurt to do so.
"I'll come with I need to make sure she's doing okay" explained Vic as she stood back up.
"Okay let's go" I said as we left my hospital room and walked to Carina's office. When Carina got hurt one time by a crazy father who lost his wife during the birth of his child Maya would sleep in her office when she was forced to get some sleep.
"Knock knock" I said as I knocked on the door.
"Va 'via per piacere, I don't want to talk to anyone right now" said Carina.
"It's Andy I just want to talk to you for a second" I said gently I'm not sure what her reaction I mean who would want to talk to the one person who probably was the one that got her wife killed in the first place. Not that I would blame her any and to be honest if she wants to put the blame on me for a while I'll allow it because she's hurting if not more than the team me and I are because even though Maya was a friend and family to us she was Carina's wife.
"Yeah come in" I heard Carina say so I gently opened the door and walked into her office God the sight is terrible she looks so exhausted with tears going down her face while laying on her couch.
"How are you doing Andy are you in any pain" asked Carina which surprised me that she was asking me these questions instead of yelling at me.
"I'm doing alright besides a few bruised ribs and what not and as for pain I'm going to be sore for a while they said" I answered truthfully.
"Okay I'm glad you are okay" said Carina who hasn't even looked at me she was just staring at the ceiling.
"I um I wanted to apologize to you and if you wanted to blame me for her dying it's okay I wouldn't blame you" I said nervously causing her to sit up and patted the seat next to her.
"Andy I could never blame you for what happened I know you both did everything in your power to get out of there I can never be mad at you for that now go home and get some sleep I don't think I'll be leaving my office anytime soon because if I leave it will be real and I'm not ready to accept that" explained Carina.
"Do you think you can stop by the station when you are ready?" I asked gently.
"When I'm ready yes" answered Carina.
Jack's pov*
"What are you guys doing" I asked Ben and Dean who were standing in front of the captain's office Mayas office.
"There are some documents in there that we need to start the process of her funeral and some other stuff I guess but we haven't found the energy to walk into the office because this was Maya's space I'm not sure what we are going to find" explained Ben.
"Then it can wait we lost a family member our captain we can take some time before we have to set everything up" I explained not wanting to deal with this right now.
"Hey guys" said Sullivan as he walked up to us.
"What are you doing here" I asked Robert it's no joke that we can't stand the dude but he is still a part of station 19 even though he's the chief.
"Is Andy here?" he asked.
"She got injured and lost her best friend what makes you think she's going to want to be here at the station" asked Ben.
"It's rather important I understand that you guys just lost a friend but Maya had direct orders concerning Andy if anything were to happen to her in the line of work" explained Robert.
"Then tell us and we will tell Andy when we go see her" said Dean.
"That's not how it works but fine Lieutenant Herrera is Station 19 new Captain as requested by Maya Deluca-Bishop I'm deeply sorry about your guy's loss now I need to get going I have paperwork to do" explained Sullivan as he turned around and walked away.
"Do you guys think Carina is going to step into the station ever again?" I asked the guys.
"I didn't even want to be here" said Dean.
"Alrighty let's get this over with" I said as we opened the door to the captain's office.
"I'm going to call Vic to tell Andy the news" said Dean as he walked away from the captain's office.
Vic's pov*
"Who was on the phone" asked Andy as she gently sat down on the couch.
"It was Dean he wanted me to tell you about who the new captain was" I explained as happy I am for Andy I know it's going to suck for her.
"I don't care for knowing but I guess it matters since I'll be taking orders from said new captain" explained Andy.
"You can't take orders from yourself Andy" I said very carefully.
"It's my fault she died I wasn't paying attention I was so focused on getting out of the building I wasn't paying attention to what was falling on us or anything I was in a hurry to leave because I was scared I wasn't going to make it" said Andy.
"We are going to need to see a therapist" I said.
"I already see one Maya and I started doing therapy together to fix our friendship my therapist said it would be good to talk about my feelings it would help me sleep better because as firefighters we face death every day and all day we need to go to the station to give Carina her turnouts there's a letter there for her only I know where it's at I was trying to find an extra charger the last time Maya was in the hospital when I found a letter written for Carina of anything were to happen to her on the job" explained Andy.
"Do you want to leave now or wait not going to lie to you I need a little time before I can walk into that station and not hear Maya yelling at us to get to work or her drills" I explained.
"I want to go now but since you are my ride I can wait until you are ready but I really want to get that letter for Carina" whispered Andy.
"Were you able to talk to her by the way" I asked gently not really sure how the conversation went if it was good or bad.
"She said she didn't blame me that we did everything we could to try to make it out of the building and that she can't be mad at me for that but I can I'm mad at myself I'm the reason she lost her wife Vic she died protecting me she should have just let me die or at least let me die with her I can still feel the pressure on my body of the weight of hers just on top of me not moving i couldn't sleep last night because I see her begging me to help her as the building falls around us i know you guys are grieving too if you need to step away from me or if you and the rest of the team want to blame me for what happened I wouldn't hold it against you guys" said Andy as she stood up groaning in pain as she did so.
Amelia's pov*
"Come on sweetie why don't we take you home so you can shower" I said to Carina gently.
"I don't have a home anymore I just said goodbye to my home yesterday" whispered Carina. Man I don't really know how to help her but it's okay I can figure it out.
"Do you want to stop by the station Andy says there's something there for you in her office" I explained.
"Who's office" asked Carina confused.
"Mayas" I answered.
"I can't go to the station Mayas all over there I'm going to want to run into her office expecting her to be so focused on paperwork I know I need to go to the house but I'm scared I'm scared of the feelings that are going to escape the second I walk through the door" explained Carina.
"I'm not going to rush you that's fine but sweetie you look like a mess no offense a hot mess but a mess none the less" I said hoping to cheer her up.
"Maya never let that bother her I remember when my brother died I was a mess and angry all the time I swear to god I thought she was going to leave me because I wouldn't even let her touch me because her touch was too comforting and I wasn't ready to be comforted yet. Her death hasn't hit me yet I know she's gone but it's not hitting me its like I'm numb right now I was hoping for us to grow old together and have the kids we were talking about literally two days ago" said Carina who was still currently staring at the ceiling nobody really has been in here except for me and Bailey we've been trying to get her to go home but how do we do that when Carina's home was Maya.
"Do you want me to take you to your house so you can shower and eat something and if you want you can come back here" I asked.
"I think I want to stay home I don't feel like being anywhere but I can drive myself I just want to be alone for a little bit until someone from the station stops by to give me her things" said Carina as she got up and left.
"Knock knock" said Bailey as she leaned against the wall.
"Hey Bailey how is Ben doing" I asked as I sat down on Carina's couch.
"Not good but he told me they promoted Andy to Captain since that's what Maya requested if something were to happen to her" said Bailey as she sat down as well.
Bailey's pov*
"They are all torn about losing Maya in such a tragedy but Ben was able to talk to Vic about how Andy was doing and apparently Andy isn't doing so good she's blaming herself for Carina losing her wife and the station for losing a family member" I explained.
"Carina hasn't really said anything to me about anything Andy has said too her but she did say that Mayas death hasn't fully hit her yet and I'm honestly worried about that we all know how broken she was when she lost her brother but now she lost her wife I'm afraid she might do something dumb but I will understand and I know not to get angry but too help her I promised Maya I would look out for Carina if anything were too happen but who's going to look after her team" said Amelia.
"We can be there for them we just have to be patient with them let them talk to us when they are ready we need to be respectful of what they want in this situation nothing will be good if we force them to talk we all know how well that turns out when a firefighter feels trapped in any situation" I explained.
"You should have heard Carina saying goodbye to her it was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever witnessed it was a fight to get her to leave this office but she did I'm not sure where she's going I don't know if she's going home to shower or to the station or what or if she's going to the bar" explained Amelia.
"Guys we have a problem" said Teddy as she ran into the office nearly scaring us to death.
"I'm taking time off and so is Amelia what seems to be the problem" I asked.
"One of Carina's patient is requesting her and won't let us explain to her that Carina doesn't work here at the moment" explained Teddy.
"Get Jo on it I don't care i have to go to the station to help them figure out how to set up Mayas funeral and Amelia here is going to find Carina" I said.
"Yes ma'am" said Teddy as she left.
"What is she doing dealing with pregnant people anyways that's not her area of expertise" said Amelia confused.
"Who knows anymore" I said as I stood up getting ready to leave Carina's office.
"You don't have to find Carina we all know she needs time to process the situation but if you do please be careful" I said as I left the office.
Andy's pov*
"Holy shit Andy what are you doing here you should be resting" said Ben.
"I couldn't rest I keep reliving what happened every time I close my eyes but there's something here that I need to give to Carina it's in Maya's office" I said.
"It's your office now Andy you are our new captain" said Travis.
"It's mayas office until Carina and I take care of her personal belongings" I said getting pissed off with what he was saying. I understand that I'm the new captain but right now that office is Maya's how do you take over something that used to be your best friends for so long. Do they realize how hard this is for me I got promoted to Captain after losing my best friend I'm not ready to take over that spot yet but I rather it be me then jack.
"Captain Herrera can we have a word please" said Captain Hansen.
"Please just call me Herrera I'm not ready for that Captain title after just losing my best friend but what is it that you want" I asked getting annoyed.
"My team and I have decided to work overtime to make sure you guys were able to take some time off to deal with everything but when we get a 5 alarm I'll message you but nobody will touch anything that belonged to Captain Deluca-Bishop" said Captain Hansen.
"Thank you" I said even though I could care less about a 5 alarm right now.
"No problem Herrera" said Captain Hansen as she left.
"Time to get started on the office" I said to myself as I stepped into the captains office closing the door and just standing in the middle of the room.
"Why couldn't you just let me die Maya you had so much more to live for you had a wife and you were planning on having kids damn it" I said when I was interrupted by a knock on the door.
"Come in" I said wondering who it was that was knocking on the door since the team really didn't want to be here at the station to begin with.
"Oh sorry I didn't think anyone else would be in here" said Carina as she stepped into the office shocking me since we all figured that we wouldn't be seeing her step into the station anytime soon not that anyone could blame her.
"No it's okay do you want me to leave" I asked.
"No it's fine i just wanted to spend some time in here this was mine and Mayas comfort space I guess I should say whenever one of our shifts were bad it was either this office or my office but we always spent time in this office because she was always working on paperwork or some other stuff" said Carina as she sat down in the captains chair and took a deep breath.
"There's something I need to give you before you leave Maya had hidden a letter to you I found it the last time she was at the hospital when I was looking for an extra phone charger for her since she said hers broke" I said as I walked to one of the dressers and took stuff out of it and found the letter I was talking about then walked over to the desk and handed it to Carina.
"She requested for me to be Captain if something were to happen it's strange that I don't feel ready for that title you know I honestly don't think I deserve it. it's hard to follow up to her legacy she's done so much for this station the higher ups were constantly giving her shit for ever little thing and I'm sure you know from what she's told you when I divorced Robert I was pissed for so long about how he threw her under the bus for everything that she's done for him here at the station she could have fired him I honestly wish she did sometimes he kept saying she broke protocol for saving a child's life but we all know that any of us would have done the same thing if we were able to save a life we would have done it as well I seen how broken up she was when she got demoted it was something I wished I never had to whiteness again" I said.
Carina's pov*
"You got promoted because Maya knew how hard you worked that was her plan all along she was so close to getting promoted and she wanted you to take over as Captain but is it okay if I read this alone" I asked not that I wanted her to leave no I just didn't want her to see me break down.
"Of course I need to take care of a few things here anyways but Carina you are still family you will always be welcomed here even if you need to just sit in the office if you need anything just text me or I can stop by in an hour or so to check on you" said Andy as she left.
"Okay Bambina vediamo cosa dice questa lettera" I said to myself as I opened the letter.
Dear Carina,
I'm guessing if you are reading this that I have sadly passed away. I just wanted you to know that whatever happened that I did my best to come home to you babe I promise and I know that you are hurting but sweetie I need you to take care of yourself or let my team take care of you I know you like to bottle up your emotions but baby my team will help you or I'm sure Amelia will or Gabrielle. Do you remember the night we got married you looked so beautiful I thought to myself wow how did I manage to marry the most beautiful woman in the world. I know with my job tomorrow is never promised which is why I was living life to the fullest with you right by my side. I'm sorry that I left you so soon it was never my intention to do so but baby if you want to be angry with me for doing so that's okay but please don't be mad at me for too long you know I can't stand you being angry with me. I remember when I pissed you off so bad that you would only speak to me in Italian and I would guess what you were trying to say I would make up random things and you would try so hard not to laugh at the dumb shit I was saying you can deny it all you want but I notice every little detail about you. Do you remember that time Andy walked into the apartment and ended up busting her ass not even a second later because she tripped over one of you heals you had thrown after getting them off just so you can hurry up and get us into the bedroom I'm sure she was pissed at the moment that it happened but it's been an inside joke between the three of us. Do you remember the day we kept pulling pranks with each other and you threw kept throwing raw eggs at me i tried so hard at being mad at you for trashing our house but I couldn't because you laughing is the best thing ever it's like the sun on a rainy day or something like that. I recorded you laughing one time I forget what you were laughing about but that doesn't matter whenever I was having a bad day I would play it and it would make me smile because you look so care free when you laugh like nothing in this world matters but the both of us. Do me a favor and give Andy a hug or Vic they have the best hugs in my opinion but give them a hug and feel whatever it is you need to feel I wish I could be the one giving you a hug but they are the next best thing I have to go now babe the alarm is going off. I'll see you soon my love and never forget how much I love you.
Sincerely
Captain Maya Deluca- bishop
Aka your wonderful wife