Without you

Chapter 6

Andy's pov*
"Well what is she still alive or what" I asked getting frustrated that they aren't saying anything to me or Vic.
"It's not looking too good honestly she's stable for right now but we don't know if she's going to stay that way due to her lack of sleep and her lack of eating. She'll wake up when she's ready we just don't know when that is" said Meredith.
"Why didn't she ever come to any of us about how she was feeling" asked Ben.
"Because she thought that you guys were not going to allow her back at the station since the only reason she goes there was to see Maya. She also didn't want to bother you guys or us but we should have done more to help her" explained Bailey.
"What's going to happen to Carina when she wakes up and we love Carina she's apart of the 19 family but I understand " asked Vic.
"Well she needs help so she needs to talk to a therapist honestly and when she gets out of here she'll need 24 hour supervision one of the doctors think it will be better for her to do it this way as long as she has 24 hour supervision if she can't have that she'll have to go to a different hospital for suicide prevention" explained Meredith.
"Is Carina awake" I asked desperately wanted to see her.
"Not at the moment no it will probably be a while before she wakes up anyways her body needs time to heal" explained Dr. Bailey.
"Who's going to be able to help watch Carina 24/7 I mean we are all busy busy people " asked Amelia.
"I will and that's final because I made a promise to Maya a long time ago before this incident that if anything were to ever happen to her I'd take care of Carina to the best of my abilities because Maya was her only family. Maya knew how much it would hurt Carina if she were too not make it home to Carina and how devastated she would be. She always wanted to be prepared for anything and everything when it came to her job. Her main job though was making sure Carina is taken care of I can talk to the chief about it besides it's not like they can say no Jack can be acting Captain until I'm back" I explained.
"Are you sure you are up for that" asked Dr. Bailey.
"Yes I made a promise to maya and I intend on keeping it" I said.

Amelia's pov*
"Where are you headed shepherd" asked Dr. Bailey.
"I'm going to have a conversation with Carina I know she's sleeping or whatever but there are some things I need to get off my chest" I explained as I walked back into Carina's room. It's so strange seeing my best friend like this normally I see her so happy and full of energy but now she's just a zombie going through life like she's not experiencing it she's just there.
"Carina you fucking idiot why would you do something like that. I mean I understand you lost your wife but what about your friends here and everyone from station 19. I wish you weren't so damn stubborn and would ask for help" I said as I sat down and took a deep breath.
"I wish I could tell you something that would make you feel better like everything was going to be okay but I can't promise you anything of that sort because that would give you the false sense of hope. If I was able to bring Maya back I would on a heartbeat so that you didn't feel so numb. I care about you Carina and I need you to be okay because I lost so many people in my life the last thing I want to do is too lose my best friend but I know you miss your wife and that it's killing you not seeing her everyday or anything well I better be going Carina but Andy will be here soon I love you Carina" I said then left her room but ended up bumping into Andy.
"Is everything okay doctor" asked Andy.
"Yes Andy everything is fine I just needed to have a conversation with Carina about something" I answered.
"So she's awake" asked Andy hopefully.
"No she isn't I don't think she'll be awake today I mean she might but like I don't think so but I just needed to get something off my chest so I talked to her while she was resting" I answered.
"Oh okay well I'll let you go on about your day and I'll stay in the with Carina" said Andy as she stepped aside to let me leave.
"Let me know if she wakes up" I asked as I left to go find Teddy.

Vic's pov*
"Hey Vic is everything okay" asked Jack as he sat down next to me on the roof of the station. I couldn't handle being at the hospital right now it feels like the day I had to give Carina the news and hearing the noise of the machine when they couldn't save maya.
"What do you want Jack" I asked as I took a good look at him he just looks a mess.
"I'm here to check on you we all haven't really been the best at making sure we are okay I mean with what happened to Carina I just wanted to make sure you were fine" explained Jack making me roll my eyes.
"You know Jack when I lost Lucas it was the hardest time of my life. I hated going home and seeing the pictures of us together and him looking at me like I was the only thing that mattered in his life. I couldn't go through videos of us together because I knew that I would never get too see him laugh, smile, cry or anything else in person again. I didn't want to leave my bed at the same time Maya and Andy were there for me making sure I ate and showered. They didn't judge me for how I chose to grieve. There was one point I wanted to be with Lucas again just like they way Carina wants to still be with Maya.  It's no secret that Carina and Maya were soulmates Jack. There were these parts of them we didn't see but I've witnessed a few things. I was staying with them one night and I woke up in the middle of the night to get a drink so I left the room and there were Carina and Maya slow dancing in the kitchen with not a care in the world. We made a promise to maya to take care of Carina even if I didn't make that promise Carina is still family" I said.
"I just miss maya is all" said Jack.
"I know but it will get better it's only been a few weeks since the accident we aren't gonna suddenly be okay but eventually we will be and we can remember the great times we had with her and the shitty times" I said.
"I just don't know how to handle these feelings I guess. I'm pissed off that she left us that she didn't bother trying to fight for us or Carina. We are a family and we keep losing members of our family because of this job" said Jack.
"It's okay to be upset with Maya for leaving but we all know she would have done that for any one of us which made her a great Captain and a firefighter. Station 19 will always be a family Maya will always be apart of Station 19 family no matter who else joins the station. Everyday isn't promised with a job like ours Jack which is why we cherish everyday like it's our last. We will never know the outcome of call it could be an easily call or a 5-alarm but we know all of us would do whatever it takes to make sure we come out of a call alive.

Carina's pov*
"Carina what are you doing here" said a familiar voice.
"Bambina" I asked confused wanting to know that I wasn't hallucinating her voice.
"Yes it's me but you shouldn't be here" said Maya sadly.
"Where is here exactly am I dead" I asked.
"No you aren't you pulled through they are just not sure when you'll wake up" said Maya.
"You left me Maya you promised me you wouldn't leave me" I stated.
"I didn't want to leave you Carina I swear" said Maya.
"But you did Maya I feel so lost without you I don't want to do anything anymore I just want to be with you but why did you have to save Andy I'm not mad at her but I just wish that you didn't does that make me a bad person" I asked.
"No that doesn't make you a bad person love I just didn't want anything to happen to Andy that could have costed her life I didn't expect the building to collapse when it did because my main concern was Andy but sweetheart you need to take care of yourself let my friends help you. Let your friends be there for you because you aren't alone" said Maya.
"But I am alone because you aren't here anymore I don't get to wake up with you in my arms. I don't get to hear you laugh when I mess up American idioms even though I sometimes do it on purpose just to hear you laugh. I don't get to hold you when you are sad or when you feel in the mood to cuddle or fall asleep in your arms. I just want you back bambina I want my home back and I can't have you back and it hurts" I cried.
"When the time is right we will be together again love but you need to think about how your friends would feel if you joined me now think about how my team would feel. As much as I would love to have you here with me in this moment I know that you don't belong here right now. I want to see you be happy again and I want you to find someone to love again you deserve to be happy and if they don't treat you right I'll find a way to haunt them" smiled Maya.
"I don't think I can honestly I just want it all to stop Maya I don't want to live a life without you in it and your team don't necessarily like me at the second well Jack doesn't really care for me right now. He gets mad whenever I bring you up and it's exhausting" I explained.
"Love you can grieve as long as you want there isn't necessarily a time limit for it okay. I just want you to be happy Carina and I want you to live life to the fullest okay do what makes you happy my love. Go have the family you have always wanted and I will always be proud of you okay" said Maya. I don't think she gets it honestly I don't want to be with someone else and I don't want to have a family with anyone else because she was the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with she's my home nobody else.
"You know Bambina I have always told you that you were my home and I lost my home and it has completely ruined me because I feel like I'm just going with the flow like I'm not really living" I explained.
"Can you wake up for me please Andy needs you to wake up" said Maya.
"It's strange I can hear her talking to me but I don't want to wake up I'm happy here with you Maya please don't make me go back" I said trying not to cry.

Andy's pov*
"I want you to know Carina that I'm not mad at you for doing what you did I'm not even disappointed because who am I to make you feel like your feelings are invalid. I know how much Maya meant to you and how much you meant to her you both were always trying to protect each other from everything you two thought was a threat to each other. I seen you both at your greatest moments and your lowest but I won't fault you for wanting to stay where ever it is you are at right now because maybe you are with Maya just talking up wherever. I would love it if you could wake up for Amelia, Vic and I but it's okay if you don't want to. I just want you to be happy again Carina and if being with your wife is what's going to make you happy then that's okay. I'm honestly not sure if I'm saying the right thing maybe I'm not maybe I'm saying the wrong thing and you are going to wake up and smack the shit out of me once you get the energy to do so" I said as I kissed her forehead and left the room for a second knowing she wouldn't be waking up for a while because of the trauma that her body went through.
"Are you okay Andy" asked Dr. Bailey as she walked up to me with a clipboard in her hands and Amelia right next to her. I feel so bad for Amelia watching her best friend struggle with this but at least she still has Carina.
"I will be when she decides to wake up but I know it's going to be a while but I need to go check on my team is it okay if I come back after" I asked.
"Of course I kinda want to talk to Carina again anyways" said Amelia as she walked into her room.
"How's Amelia doing" I asked.
"She's scared of losing Carina they are best friends wherever Carina is in this hospital if they weren't busy you'll see Amelia following behind Carina asking her about a threesome with her and Maya or flirting with Carina but I know if we lose Carina it would destroy her and me.  Carina and I have gotten pretty close with out spouses being firefighters and the dangers of they're job" explained Dr. Bailey.
"Yeah well no matter the outcome we will be there for each other now I better get going" I said as I left the hospital.