Catch a Glimmer of Your Star

Sunny will not succumb

Picture this scene: Basil sitting at the desk in his room, diligently doing his homework. Sunny sitting at the other desk, playing video games.

From time to time, Sunny glanced at his boyfriend just to admire him. Basil's fluffy hair. His beautiful eyes. If their gazes met, Sunny' heart would jump with a flitting rhythm. If Basil smiled...

Basil isn't smiling.

Sunny wanted to see Basil's rare, genuine smile. He wanted to see that sparkle in Basil's eyes. He wanted to be there when the breeze ruffled Basil's hair and sent a flower petal dancing into the wind. He'd hold Basil's hand, and they would smile and laugh together, the world returning to the brightness and vivid colors he remembered from their happiest days, the breeze carrying the scent of blossoming flowers.

We lost that world, and it's all my fault.

He imagined Basil and all his friends being by his side, smiling together.

But he had crushed his dreams, twice.

Worse, I trampled on Basil's dreams.

With a disheartened expression on his face, Sunny filled up a glass of water. Basil was studying too hard.

"Need anything?" Sunny asked, placing the glass on Basil's desk.

"Thanks," Basil replied, finally lifting his eyes from his thick textbooks to take a sip of water from the cup.

"You've been studying for so long. Want a snack?"

"Sunny, thank you, but I just need to get to the end of this chapter."

Sunny heard fatigue and boredom in Basil's voice even if Basil tried to hide it.

I want to see your smile, but I don't deserve it...

He returned to his desk, feeling a little defeated and not much in the mood for playing more video games.

Sunny felt selfish for wanting to be happy. He felt selfish even when he wanted Basil to be happy. He wished to see Basil's smile, even though he singlehandedly destroyed his friend group. And after his misguided attempt at redeeming Basil ended up with both of them being cut off by their only friends, he figured he would never be able to move on from all the guilt that burdened him.

His life was a series of train wrecks, himself the conductor and his friends the passengers on the train. He was tired of derailing the train and he was tired of Basil being blamed when he wasn't even the one driving.

Yet Basil still wants to be with me.

He accepted my feelings for him.

Now we're together in a way that makes me feel so happy, I'm just afraid that a person like me doesn't deserve it...

The cold wind of the new year howled against the walls of their apartment room. The bright city lights shone crisply in the winter air.

I really need to make everything up to Basil.

Sunny stretched his right arm across the table and lowered his head to lean against his arm in a restful position. He let his eyepatch fall slightly off the side of his head, and opened his blind eye to see nothing more.

Part of him had grown up a little. Part of him was still a frightened child, terrified that no one would be there to hold his hand. He was afraid of being left completely alone. It was kind of contradictory, he knew—he'd been the one to shut himself inside for four years, abandoning everybody. He still found it hard to believe that anybody would want to come back for him after doing something so selfish.