ELYSIAN, the riordanverse

51

TO ALL THE PEOPLE I'VE LOVED BEFORE

[ mortal au ]

[ heavily based on my ex and me who were literally valgrace, haha. for anyone wondering, i was the jason of the relationship and he was the leo. ]

***

Jason had been sitting on the thirty letter anthology for months now. There was only one letter left. The last one. The last letter to the last person he'd loved. Maybe even the last person he'd ever love.

Leo Valdez.

The greeting had already been typed up and was sat in his document. "To Leo," it read. Jason wanted to laugh. To Leo, he thought, to Leo, god, what would I even write? Where would I even begin? 

Would he talk about how his heart would never stop beating for Leo? Would he talk about how sorry he was that he'd hurt Leo when Leo had never done anything but love him and protect him?

Would he talk about how all Jason wanted in the world was to just care for Leo in the way he always had and listen to him talk about the silliest of things for hours and hours on end, but now he couldn't have any of that because he'd been an idiot?

Would he talk about how much how fucking much he missed Leo and that he was sorry, sorry, sorry, so so sorry? And that if he could talk it all back, he would? 

Would he talk about how Leo was the first person who'd made him feel like he was on the top of the fucking world? Or would he talk about how Leo was the first person who'd made him feel like he'd hit rock fucking bottom and he couldn't see the sky?

Or maybe he would talk about how Leo was the only thing in Jason's life worth fighting for, and he'd lost the war because he'd been a fool?

Maybe he'd talk about how much he missed Leo. Because god, he missed Leo. Jason hadn't thought it was possible to miss someone as much as he did, but maybe that's what happens when you dedicate your entire life to one person and then you ruin everything, fucking everything, because of one stupid mistake.

To Leo, To Leo, To Leo, the words repeated on and on in his head.

Jason wanted to cry.

He started to write.

To Leo,

I love you. It isn't as plain and as simple as that, but I do wish it was. I love you, is all I can seem to say though. I love you, I love you, I love you, and I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I ruined us. I know that you'll never forgive me, and I wouldn't want you to. I deserve this, the heart wrenching numbness, the constant breakdowns, and the crying myself to sleep; I deserve all of it.

And you, you, Leo, you deserve the complete opposite. You deserve happiness and joy and mirth and you deserve falling to sleep in someone's loving arms with a smile on your face, like you once fell asleep in mine. You deserve the entire world and more, and I'm sorry I could never give it to you.

I thought I could.

I thought we were going to be forever.

I hoped we would be forever.

But we weren't forever, and I have no one to blame for that but myself.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm still in love with you, I'm sorry all I want to do is reach out to you. I'm sorry I still miss you. You don't deserve someone as pathetic as me to be missing you. You deserve to be missed purely, and with warmth, like how I once missed you. You don't deserve this kind of missing.

I don't know what to write. I thought about it a lot, just staring at my screen all day long, but I could never seem to sit down and form words. You've left me speechless before, Leo, just never in the way you leave me speechless now.

I love you. 

I love you, Leo Valdez.

My heart will never stop beating for you. 

The thought of you will never stop giving me butterflies.

I hope you find someone who makes your heart beat again, Leo. 

I hope you find someone who gives you butterflies again. 

I hope you find someone who can give you the world, someone who'll care for you, and listen to you, and love you, and adore you, and cherish you, and give you forever. You deserve all of that, and more, Leo. 

I'm sorry, and I miss you.

I miss you so fucking much.

I woke up to you every morning, and fell asleep with you every night, and I gave you everything, Leo. I told you everything. You know me better than I know myself. I gave you myself, Leo, and now that I'm not yours anymore, I don't know who I am anymore. 

I'm just, Jason Grace, now. I don't know what that's supposed to mean. I'm Jason Grace, but I've always, always, been yours first. But I'm not yours anymore, Leo, that's the thing.

I am not yours, and you are not mine, and that has broken my heart into a million pieces. And I don't know how to glue my heart back together again, when all those million pieces belong to you, and you're not my person to love anymore.

You bled into everything I did, Leo. Every bit of me is made up of you. That's why I miss you so much. You were my entire life, and now you're not. I don't know how to word it. Pathetic, I know. I'm supposed to be the writer. But the loss of you has hurt so much that words aren't enough. 

I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I don't deserve your forgiveness. I don't deserve to have ever been a person you loved. I don't deserve all of that happiness you gave me. Fuck, I don't even deserve to have even been a part of your life. But I was, and I ruined that life of ours, and I'm sorry, Leo.

I could go on forever like this, just apologizing, and apologizing and telling you I love you, and apologizing more.

I guess maybe I'll stop. This is shorter than the other letters, but I just don't know what to say. I could reminisce on all our perfect, wonderful, happy memories, but that would just make it hurt more. So I'll end with this:

I love you. I'm sorry. And I wish you all the best.

From,

Jason Grace