Don't Fuck With My Love {Joel Hokka}

Don't go!

That gig was amazing, Joonas was as hyped up more than any other time and I...well, I was just being there. I couldn't stop imagining different scenarios of Rachel meeting my parents. I knew that my mother was going to get her hopes so high, the situation in general seemed crazy. We went straight to the hotel, nobody wanted to go to their family smelling of gin.

-What are your parents like?-she looked at me lying face down with her elbows on the mattress.
-They...normal, I guess-I smiled-. My mom is so nice, she reads a lot and she's also a wonderful cook, she makes the best cheesecake of the world. My father and I clashed back in the day when I wanted to get into rock bands, especially since I got grounded for playing Slipknot songs in class-I laughed-, but now we are fine. He likes old cars and jazz.
-Mine are not like that-she shook her head-. On the one hand, my father left when I was seven years old. I guess he found a family that could gave him more than us and he just made a decision. My mother, on the other hand, was always at home but when he left...she filled that space with alcohol. No child is capable of calling a bottle daddy-she smiled sadly-and she seemed to be moving farther and farther away.
-Where is she now?
-I took her to a Detoxification Center when I was 19 and had worked for the money, but one day she stopped wanting to see me so I stopped going and just understood that being a mother wasn't her thing. I guess, just like with Naiset, you have to know when to get out of the way.
-Hey-I lifted her face grabbing her chin-, you are not in the way of nowhere-I said staring at her eyes-. She didn't do good, and if she chose not to see you anymore, there's nothing you can do about it. Now she must be the one to decide to hear from you again, and if she doesn't...she is the one who loses. You thought about what was best for her in exchange for being left alone at 19 years old.
-Let's change the subject-she looked away drying her eyes.
-Come here-I opened my arms and she placed her head on my chest-. I'm with you-I hugged her caressing her back-. I need you to promise one thing.
-What is it?-she was playing with a piece of my hair between her fingers.
-When we go back to Helsinki, would you keep on treating me like these days right?
-Why was it going to be different?-she looked at me and I didn't know what to say.
-I just wanted to make sure.
-Do you think I treat you the way I do to get you to take me home?-she sat up looking very offended-Do you really think I'm that opportunist?
-It's not that, but you've changed since we've been here and...at first you wouldn't let me hug you...and started calling me baby...-I was hella nervous, I noticed how bad I had fucked it up.
-I care about you, Joel-she was angry-Do I have to want something in return to justify treating you like this? It seems you don't know me as well as you thought you did, I would have managed to get back without your help, you offered, I did not tell you anything.
-Rachel, I didnt mean...
-Forget it-she stood up-, I'm going to sleep with Aleksi.
-No, don't go-I followed her-. Rachel, please!
-Goodnight-she closed the door and I sat on the chair next to the closet realizing what an asshole I had been. I sighed with my hands buried on my hair, insulting myself. How had it occurred to me to tell her that?

I could barely sleep, I wasn't able to forget the conversation and how quickly it all went wrong. I didn't know if she would still go see my parents, or even talk to me. The night shouldn't have ended like that, not at all.