Don't Fuck With My Love {Joel Hokka}

I Wouldn't Forgive Myself

Everyone was getting ready to go meet their families. I also did it even though I didn't want to, I was feeling guilty and stupid. At least my mother wasn't aware that I was taking Rachel with me, I wouldn't have known how to explain that her son was a cunt sometimes. I left hoping to see Aleksi or her on the corridor but I didn't.

The visit was right, I was happy to see them, they told me they were proud of me, asked if I had a girlfriend...and I didn't know how to reply so I just smile and shrugged. I got back to the hotel with a piece of my mother's cake, I wanted to use it as an apology to Rachel. My father finally recognized that it was a good idea to enter rock bands, that meant the world to me, and I promised I would go and stay with them for a couple of days on holiday. I went to my room expecting to find her there but it was empty. I knocked on Aleksi's door but he had already left and the same with Olli. It was dark outside and no one had arrived. I tried to distract myself putting things in the suitcase in order to go back to Helsinki the next day, but I found that the cupboard just had my clothes in it. Then I got really scared and called her but she didn't answer so I phoned Alex.

-Hi.
-Tell me Rachel's with you.
-Am...no, I'm having dinner with my uncles. I left her in the hotel, said she didn't want to go out. Is everything alright?
-I don't know-I started feeling breathless-, her clothes are missing. I think she's gone.
-Call Olli.
-Why?
-He was in his room when I left, maybe he saw her or took her somewhere.
-Fine-I sighed walking across the room nonstop-, thanks.
-Tell me when you find her.
-I will.

-Olli here-he was laughing with someone.
-Listen, is Rachel there?
-No, I went to the hotel to change clothes, I poured a glass of wine on it at the restaurant I went to with my parents, then I got out again but didn't see her. Wasn't she with Alex?
-No-I sat down, my hands where shaking-. Dude, I don't know where she is and she doesn't answer the phone. Her clothes are not here either.
-Okay, keep calm. I'll try to call her.
-Please, call me if she answers.

I didn't know what to do, I was panicking, about to start crying. I called her again and nothing. I took a cigarette and almost dropped it. I started to text her a million times hoping for her to at least read it, but it was in vain. Suddenly, my phone rang and I answered without even looking who it was.

-Rachel?
-It's Olli. She's okay, Aleksi just talked to her.
-Where is she?-I got up.
-Back to Helsinki.
-Alone??
-She's on the train, maybe already in Seinäjoki, almost Tampere. Alex said that she seemed sad and angry but he didn't tell me much-he sighed-. Joel, did you say something wrong?
-I insinuated that she treats me like she does so that I wouldn't leave her away from home-I recognized.
-Are you aware of how stupid that is? Turku is a thousand times closer to Helsinki than Oulu, if she wanted, she would have come back without our help!
-I know.
-Listen, you know how much I love you, but if anything happens to her on the way home, there's going to be trouble.
-Just...-I couldn't hold back the tears any longer-try to make sure she's okay. Call her every couple of minutes, please, I would never forgive myself if she gets hurt.
He hanged up and I burried my face in one of the pillows. I couldn't stop crying while sqeezing the corner with all my strength. She had gone, alone. She rathered to be in a train for five hours straight overgoing back with me in a plane. I called her again, I needed to talk to her. She didn't reply but I called again and again and again.