Allifer

Chapter 4: flashbacks

Yesterday I had all sorts of flashbacks. Some "real" and some "not". I don't think it really matters at the end of the day. I'm pretty sure my life innerworld is just a metaphor for shit that happened out here. So today I'm just going to write about now and do it more like Ethan. God. I've recently became a father of two 19 year old boys even though I'm only 24... their birthday is soon though. The story is long and grueling. But that doesn't really matter. They journal like their life is a story and not fact to them. Him and his brother Derek. But maybe I shouldn't be dumping their information to an unknown audience.

Anyway, they have been through the shittiest shit. At least my parents were the homophobic abusive ones. I sometimes wonder if they truly look up to me or if they are just needing a proper father figure. I wonder if they are going to get some brains and realize that the big evil tree might not be the best example. In their writing I sound like a mob boss. Ha. It sounds bad but I had someone kill their dad. If you can find their story you'll know what I'm talking about.

I'll be honest I feel like I can't be too honest here cause I know at least one of them will read it. I shouldn't have let them know what I was writing then it would be disconnected and I wouldn't have to worry. But fuck it this isn't about their feelings it's about mine... I think.

Ugh. I want to be able to just rant about how I can't handle their trauma right now. But it's nice to know that someone relies on me. A literal monster. I like to hear about it cause you can hear them healing. You can feel that relief that someone knows and someone cares. Cause I care about these boys. And they are legit suffering. I'm going to protect them. It's my fairy nature. It's my wild magic nature. Survival of the fittest is a myth when it comes to humans. It's more like survival of the most mentally strong. And Ethan and Derek are strong.

Ethan's dealt with shit from everyone in his life about who he is and who he likes. And he pushed through and continued to be true to himself. He laughed and joked but words hurt him easy. So I feel bad about the gay jokes I made when we first met even if they were mainly about me being unable to let him do anything for me. That kid is smart and quick on his feet too. Unlike anyone else I met in the system other than Xena he's good at details. Noticed that I wasn't doing good even though others have just passed by it. I've know the kid for only a few days and I'd protect him with my life. He really has a bright future, though I can't help but feel sad about how he doesn't see it like I do.

Derek is the exact opposite of Ethan is a outward appearance way, not in the smart way. Derek first called me slurs and refused to talk to "people like me." But at the end of the day he opened up and admitted "his friend" was gay and hated himself. He hated the way he acted and wanted to change. Turns out Derek had a good boyfriend and was only hurting. Like I expected. He was way to defensive and acted like I would "turn him gay." And you can become gay with out being gay first. Plus how would an asexual tree beast turn you to being a gay man. I don't know. Ha. Seems more like I'd turn you asexual right? Anyway, Derek is a good kid and he's working on not being mean to Ethan and working hard to love himself as well.

Their father was a shitty man who deserved to die honestly. That may sound shitty but he almost killed them. I couldn't be there to protect them because we live two worlds away. I only meet them out here. They are good kids. Smart, good writers, funny, and genuinely good people.

I'll leave the rest for later on them. Memories keep replaying in my mind. I slept like shit so I'm hoping this will help explain the shitty grammar and any spelling mistakes or how bad this chapter probably is. I'll see you guys next chapter. Maybe I'll actually tell more about the shitty fucking stuff that got me into my hole sweet hole.