letters i'll never give you

confession (a poem)

i keep trying to forget your name
i try to forget the feelings you gave me.
i really liked staying up
all night with you
and i liked
drinking almond milk
on your bed.
i can't lie to myself the way i want to,
and say this is only about one person.
i think of you;
both of you
all the time.
i'm obsessive,
i wish i could tell you about it.
i wish i could confront you
but i know i shouldn't waste my time
since you already know what you want,
and it isn't me.
ignore whatever she told you;
she was wrong,
and i am sorry.
i wish i could tell you how i am doing,
and i could ask you how you're doing.
or what you're doing.
or where you are.
where are you anyway?
are you tangled up
between sheets
because you don't have the strength
to get up?
i know one of you isn't.
tell me about it;
i can listen.
i can be here for you
no matter how much i struggle.
you never cared if i was struggling anyway
because you left me
when i needed you so badly.
you're the reason i hate august.
you're the reason
i want to destroy myself
completely.
i feel sick.
i still love you
even though all of this time has passed.
i still love you
even though i know what you did.
i still love you;
there must be something wrong with me
for that.
is your hair longer?
mine is too.
i wish i could show you;
i wish you cared enough to look.
i keep bouncing back and forth
between missing you
and despising you in ever aspect of your being.
it sucks.
you'd understand
if you were here.
you wouldn't judge me
for what i'm referring to.
the only thing i want
to do is tell you,
but i can't now.
you're not the same person
and neither am i.
we're strangers,
and it hurts.
it hurts even more
when i think
of how you told me the reason why
was because
"we aren't close anymore."
we were close enough for
my family to buy you clothes for school
when no one else could.
we were close enough
when my family took you out
on our trips;
or when they fed you,
or invited you over
for the 4th of july;
thanks for being a no-show.
sorry if i'm being a jerk about it.
so many things about that date
i want to tell you,
but i can't.
i can't tell the other one about you either,
because they were the first to go.
i'm like a ghost now;
i have no emotion.
i feel like a monster,
but i can't tell either of you why.
i still love you,
even after all of that.