letters i'll never give you

double feature

please take the hint.
please
hear
what i'm trying
to tell you.
i don't know if i should
make it
more obvious
or more subtle.
which would you prefer?
go on,
pick your poison.

•••

you're fucking up my rhythm,
my schedule.
you're in my dreams,
but i can't remember them anymore.
i used to write them down,
i would remember every scenario
is vivid detail.
then you entered my realm
of night-time hallucinatory living,
and now
all i can feel
is that you were there.
i don't know what
you did
or said.
you were just...
there.
lurking.
just beyond the horizon of my memory,
but not close enough
to make an impact.
you make me
nervous.
my hands were shaky
as i walked away
from you.
i showed Dee,
and she said one word,
"Why?"
and i couldn't put it in words.
i'm sickly obsessed.
it's disgusting.
is it because i am too young?
am i a baby to you?
unreliable? untrustworthy?
my impressions are shitty.
i drop things,
i trip over things,
i miss OBVIOUS objects
that anyone with a single brain cell
would see.
i think there
is something
wrong with me.
i don't know how
you would react
if you met the other side of me.
the side that isn't "customer service,"
but is
violent tendencies,
disordered eating,
mind numbing mood swings.
what will you do
if you fall in love with me
but i am disgusted by you?
it just happened
with someone else.
i am not disgusted,
but rather,
unable to love.
i am destined to be alone.
you're a fucking tease.
you tease my mind,
making it feel like i actually
have
the smallest chance
at feeling again.
however, i know that
it is unlikely,
unfair,
untrue.
i told you,
"i felt like an asshole
because i didn't feel anything at all."
i don't want to waste your time.
i don't want to waste anyone's time.
i don't want to hurt anyone,
not yet.
not now.
i'm the definition of toxic.
i'm a whirlwind of
bad situations.
i'm brainless.
i don't wish to
stand here
and insult myself.
it feels like a ploy for
a compliment.
"you're not brainless,"
is what i would be expecting
if i wasn't
told the opposite
for 6 years straight.
i'm wasting my time.
i'm wasting my breath.