letters i'll never give you

J

for Josh,
even though this poem is rooted in anger, i love you very much. i understand that sometimes you can't or just don't want to talk, and there's nothing wrong with that. i love you.

i don't know why i wait up for your replies,
all i ever get is something half-assed anyway.
i'm not sure why i long for your attention
when all that i receive is negativity.
i still want to hold your hand;
i want to be under your gaze
and the cause for your crooked smile
that never shows teeth.
i want to hear your voice cracks,
and i want to look up at you
and not feel like you hate me.
i know you don't;
i overthink too much.
the "you" i made in my head
and the you that actually exists
are two different people.
i'm so tired;
i'm exhausted from
staying up somewhat late
and talking to you
every once in a while,
because the conversations
turn into hope
for a constant talk
between the two of us.
you don't reply to me,
you don't acknowledge me,
you don't look at me.
so why do i keep trying?
why do i keep messaging?
why do i keep writing,
and wasting my time on
someone who will clearly
never like me back.
i always check
to see if i got a message
from you.
i am always
left
disappointed.
it hurts being so aggressive
about getting you
to fucking talk to me.
i feel bad
for thinking the way i do.
for thinking,
"i have so much fucking love for you,
why don't you appreciate me?"
when i know you appreciate me.
i want too much,
and it's ok that you don't reply.
i still love you
even though you leave me hanging
most of the time.

(not romantic)