letters i'll never give you

artist

i know i made fun of you today.
but i was jokin'.
you have way too much hair for what i said
to be true.
i admire how you look.
even with the little bumps on your face
that i noticed when you pulled your mask down,
even though they weren't covered by it
in the first place.
i like your eyes,
they're icy blue and they intimidate me,
but they're very hard to look away from.
they cause a battle inside of my head,
i wish to look into them
but can't bring myself to make eye contact.
i like how your hair is just a little bit frizzy,
but your curls are still very visible
and eye catching, to say the least.
i like that you wear
the same pants very often.
it makes me wonder if you have many pairs
or if you just wear them over and over.
no judgement though.
your little coat is very cute, too.
i like how it hugs you
when it's unzipped.
i like the way you smell of cigarettes,
and how you look
when they dangle a bit from your lips
when your hands are too busy
dumping rubbish into a dumpster.
i have some things to ask you,
but i know i'd never have the courage to.
i can barely talk to you about
things that are actually important.
i'd never be able to ask
casual questions,
or questions that aren't so casual
but not work related.
i'm sorry i frustrated you
many
many times
today.
i know you'll never know i'm apologizing now
but i know it doesn't matter.
i do it quite a few times every day.
i think
i confuse
playful
with interest
beyond being coworkers.
it's hard to remember:
we aren't really friends.
we're buddies in a workplace.
if i never applied there you'd treat me
like every other customer you see.
"did you find everything you were
looking for today?"
"can i help you find anything?"
that stuff. i need to keep it in mind.
i wish i could pretend that
it wasn't true,
but it is.
it really is.
there's one thing
i do eventually want to ask.
it sounds weird
and i'm sure it seems flattering
instead of rooted
in my strange obsession with your person.
i subconsciously write this
hoping you might
magically stumble upon it one day.
highly unlikely.
impossible, to be frank,
but
i find myself asking anyway:

can i draw you?