Starting Over Again

Memories Back Then

I was so confused and broken processing all that news . I didn't even know who I was anymore . Everything that I knew felt like a lie I didn't know who I was so how would I tell my kids who they were . I needed a moment to gather myself . I collected my things and went into a room that felt so familiar to me . I began looking around and then I noticed . this was the room my mom and I shared when I was a little girl . I'd sit on the floor playing with my baby dolls as my mom watched her tv shows and combed my hair and when I wouldn't stay still she'd spank my legs with it . often times I'd run to mamas room and she'd always protect me from the comb against my thick hair . "Black is beautiful my dear , that natural hair of yours you better flaunt it" mama would aways say . the memories of my poor sweet mom brought tears to my eyes . I say there on the floor on the side of the bed where she did my hair crying wishing she'd come back . I felt strong warm hands around me and I didn't bother to look up . but I knew someone was there to listen to me vent .

"she didn't deserve that . she was so young she had her whole life ahead of her . she didn't get to see me grow , didn't see me graduate , have my first child , be a grandma . I miss her so much it hurts . it hurts to know that you didn't even get the chance to say goodbye or at least one I love you . it hurts to know her life was cut short because she loved her kids . she died for her kids"

"you right baby . she died for her kids so you gotta live for her" my dad said

"it just hurt so bad" I continued to cry my heart out until I had cried myself to sleep . when I woke up I was laid in bed beside Mckenzye . looking at her made me smile from ear to ear .

"I promise to be here for you Kenzye and be there to meet all my grandchildren and be here to see you grow up a successful black woman and achieve all your goals . mommy loves you baby" I said before I kissed her all over her cute little chocolate face .

when I got up to go see where everyone was my head started pounding . I picked Mckenzye up and headed out of the room in search for everyone . I hear talking and followed the voices that led me to the living room .

"heyy darling . gimme my grandbaby" mama said , I passed Mckenzye straight to her and went to sit on Marcus's lap .

"mama do you have any Advil or anything ? I have a banging headache"

"yes sweetie . Joshua be a doll and get that baby some medicine . you know where it's at don't you ?"

"yes ma'am"

"oh mama I can get it myself if you just-"

"relax I got it"

"okay" I replied softly .

he came back with the medicine and a bottle of water . thanked him and immediately took the pill .

"how would you like to go for a walk with me Jasmine ?" my dad asked.

"sure" I simply said.

it was just me and my dad . walking around Trinidad .

"so how's New York ?"

"im just getting settled in can't say whether I like it or not . how's Trinidad been ?"

"this is home . never can go wrong with it . i'd like to explore though"

"well if you ever find yourself in New York or Atlanta give me a call . i'd love to show you my city ."

"your city ? baby you was born here don't forget where you come from"

"it's not about that it's where I'm going . I raised myself in Atlanta that's my city that's all I know . I couldn't tell you a damn thing about Trinidad even if I wanted to ."

"you know Jas ... I'm sorry I left you and wasn't a father figure"

"I understand . you had good intentions"