Spaces

CHAPTER 1 - Over Again

CASSY POV

It was around midnight when the sound of the doorbell ringing woke me up from my nap. I was confused at first, wondering why I was sleeping on the couch, but then I remembered I was waiting for Zayn to come home. As I stood up, I rubbed my eyes to try and get rid of the sleep in my system, and looked around to see that it was really dark and the television was the only source of light. I opened the door and my eyes landed on Zayn who had his hair and his clothes soaking wet from the rain outside.

“Zayn? Come on, come in, let’s get you dry.” I said urgently, dragging him inside and pushing him to the couch. I rushed to our room and got out a towel and some of his clean clothes he can change into. When I got back to the living room, I put the towel around his shoulders before sitting down beside him on the couch.

“Here.” I said, handing him the clothes. He stayed quiet and motionless, staring into space as if he was thinking of something so deep that I couldn’t pull him out. “Where have you been, babe?” I asked as I shifted my body to face him, trying to get a better look of him. It was the first time that I actually got to see his face clearly that night. I don’t understand why his features were distorted into a slightly pained expression, and I could see some sort of sadness in his eyes, like something was bothering him. And I just knew he wasn’t okay.

“Babe, is everything alright?” I asked again, trying to get his attention. My hand went to rest upon his knee, giving it a little squeeze. Again, no answer from him. “What’s wrong?” My hand moved to stroke his arm, an attempt to comfort him from whatever was troubling him. When I got no answer from him again, not even a single sound or even a small movement, I reached out to cup his face with both hands, forcing him to look at me. He just shrugged me off and yanked his head away from my grip, but I was having none of it. “Are you sick?” I asked, one of my hands touching his forehead to check his temperature.

“No, I’m not.” He quietly replied, prying my hands away from him.

“But clearly, there’s something wrong.” I said, taking the towel from around his shoulders. I started patting his hair and his face gently with the towel to dry him up. “What’s wrong? Do you feel sick?”

“Cassy, stop.” He said, his voice stern. But that didn’t stop me from drying him up.

“Are you hurt?” I asked, even more alarmed and concerned. His soft pleas for me to stop were continuous, but I intentionally ignored him and continued on with what I was doing, because I was pretty damn determined to know what was wrong with him.

“Cassy, stop, please. Just stop!” He finally snapped, his voice startling me. He rarely ever raised his voice on me, so I was completely taken aback. He let out a sigh so deep and heavy, it sounded as if he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

“What’s wrong, babe? Please tell me.” I said, sounding a little too desperate than I wanted to be.

“I have to… I have to tell you something.” I could feel the hesitation in his voice, and I could also feel that he was avoiding my eyes. That, plus the frown that never seemed to leave his face ever since he got here made me even more nervous.

“What is it? You can tell me anything.” I told him, watching him intently. It looked like he was contemplating about something, like if he should just spit it out or not. He looked unsure of everything.

He was quiet for a few more seconds. Right when I was about to speak up because his silence was killing me, he blurted out, “I can’t go on with this anymore.”

“With what?” I paused for a split second, confused. “With what, Zayn? Please, babe. You’re making me nervous here. What is it?” I eagerly asked, urging him to continue on with what he was saying.

“It’s hard okay!” He said. He was a little annoyed with me, I could tell. He ran his hand through his hair in frustration, before turning to face me. “I- I- I got someone pregnant. Babe, I’m sorry. I’m so so—“

“Who?” I cut him off immediately. I felt numb, and that was the only thing I could say at that moment.

“Shara…”

“Shara?” I whispered as I found it a little bit hard to use my voice. Now the pain started to kick in. It was like a punch in the gut. No, actually, it was a hundred times worse than that. Part of me refused to believe what he was saying, part of me wanted to go batshit crazy and get mad.

“Who is Shara?”

“A girl I was introduced to. I’m sorry, Cassy, please. She’s three months pregnant, I didn’t have the courage to tell you before and…”

It felt like the world was coming down on me. Like my heart was ripped out of my chest, thrown to the ground and ran over by a truck. But I found myself saying “It’s okay, Zayn.” I love him too much to let him go. Despite the pain, I was determined to fix this. I’d rather lose my dignity than lose the man I love the most.  “We’ll work this out. It’s going to be okay—“

“No. No, it’s not going to be okay. Do you seriously think we’re going to work this out? Do you think I can continue this and not feel guilty?” He said, looking at me as if he was expecting me to answer. “I’m going to have a child with someone who is not my girlfriend. Do you see how fucked up that is? The guilt is going to eat me alive, Cassy.  I can’t live with it. This is not okay. Don’t try to be okay for me, for us. I did something wrong. And I have to make up for it. We have to stop now.”

“But, Zayn—“ I tried to tell him it was going to be okay. I was going to live with it. I tried to touch him, but he stood up, backed away and moved out of my reach.

“No, just stop. I can’t. I can’t do this anymore.” And with that, he was gone. He walked out of the door and out of my life.