babysteps.

systematic chaos

I wanna scream
take a deep breath
open my mouth
and out comes-
nothing.
and all.

pictures
songs
memories
all over
chaos
systematic chaos

so many emotions
I wanna move
anywhere
roadtrips
running
dancing
start over
just don't get stuck

move
in any direction
just
don't.
get.
fucking.
stuck.

but take the important things with you
a kodak
a booklet
pens
my best friend
music
love

then
it comes to a time
where you HAVE to take a break
else you lose it
and you can't afford that
but now that I'm not moving
I wanna scream
louder than ever
more silent
but then I'm waking them up
those
who I ran away from
they chase me

but all the moving
and screaming
is exhausting
but necessary
I want to get it all out
before I am the price for it
or am I the price
for letting it out?
there must be another way
tell me there is another way
that keeps me from bursting
into chaos
systematic chaos

I'm losing it
all slips thru my fingers
I don't have control over this chaos
systematic chaos

most things I saw worth in
are slowly vanishing
the kodak has a crack
I broke it while running
the booklet is full
I was too loud for the pages
the pen is empty
I was too busy writing on every spot I found
the music fades
I ran too far away from the speakers
I also lost love on the way
maybe I should have taken
longer breaks
hold still
and be silent

but no
that is not an option
that was not an option
that was impossible

people telling me
to sit still
to be silent
but that's not who I am
maybe
if I keep it all to myself
I will find rest?
all the others don't seem to burst
but that's not who I am

I can hold it in
but only for limited time
then I needa run again
and scream
before I burst
into chaos
systematic chaos

and my best friend?
I'm afraid
I'm scared
mostly of myself
and my heart
which is heavy to carry
but I must
because I can't afford losing her
she gives me strength
and peace
to stop for a bit longer
to be loud
but in a good way

I'm running away
away from myself
away from the others
away from love
away from this feeling I get
when I'm with her
because I've already been there
and I think to know how it ends
and that just can't happen
so I keep it to myself
my chaos
my systematic chaos

what other option do I have?
than to stay
bury my feet into the earth
to keep me from running
dive under the water
to keep me from screaming
to be like the others
to feel normal
but what is normal?

because that's what I'm supposed to be
am I?
but that's not who I am
that's not who I am supposed to be
I can't afford to lose her
because who would I be
without her?

with her
I can be loud in a good way
I feel like I can be myself
and i feel like I don't need to run alone
so it's fine

together
we are perfect
a perfect chaos
systematic chaos