Jester (Man x Man) ✔

26) q u a l m s

When Benjamin woke up, he was alone. His first instinct was to shut the alarm and go back to sleep, but once he realized where he was sleeping, the occurrences of the night before sprang to his mind. He sat up, looking around, but there was no one to be seen. There were no sounds either, apart from the steady hum of Manfir's tank. 

Something about the stillness alarmed Benjamin, as he was already on guard and shaken by the things Eli had said and done the night before. He felt guilt-ridden for causing Eli that much pain, but he also understood why he was behaving the way he was. Eli had done wrong to him, and Benjamin was allowed to show his anger and disillusionment, but only to a certain extent. 

He got up and peeked in the bathroom just to be sure, but Eli wasn't there. From the kitchen table Benjamin found a note that said: "Something came up at work. Didn't want to wake you up. Thanks for saving my drunk ass yesterday. - E"

Benjamin sighed in relief, feeling better now that he knew where Eli was. He went on with his day, being the first one in the office like he always was. Still, he couldn't quite shake the feeling that something was wrong. The entire chain of events felt off, like Benjamin was missing something crucial. The pieces of the puzzle just didn't fit.

"Want to go grab a bite?" Judith asked. Benjamin felt bad keeping her in the dark about what had happened with Eli, but knew more than well how she would react if she knew. She would tell Benjamin to dump Eli and she would never stop hating him, and that wasn't what Benjamin wanted. 

"Um, sure." He shrugged after checking the time from the computer screen.

"I'm coming too." Miles jumped up from his seat, bursting with energy as per usual.

"Okay, let's get going then." Jeremy Preston clapped his hands together, pleased with himself after successfully gatecrashing their lunch date. 

Having the whole group with them was actually a relief to Benjamin, who had been dreading Judith's questions. It would be easier to keep the conversation on idle things when Judith's focus wasn't solely on him.

When they slouched towards one of their regular meeting places to grab lunch, a lovely rustic coffee house which was known for its grilled cheese sandwiches, Benjamin felt like he had never been further away from his friends. He felt like they were becoming strangers, when he had to keep so many secrets from them. He wanted to pull them closer, he wanted to feel connection, but he couldn't and he had never felt lonelier.

Most of the things Benjamin's friends were talking went in one ear and out the other and he just kept eating mechanically, not stopping to taste the food. He kept on a smile and nodded every once in a while, trying to look like his mind wasn't miles away.

"I watched this document last night." Miles began, ready to launch into a story. There was cheese on his chin, but Benjamin was too occupied to mention it.

"A document? You watched a document?" Judith mockingly lifted a hand on her mouth, her eyes wide behind her glasses.

"You can blame Ash for that." Miles smirked. "Anyway, that's off the point. So, we watched this document about a traumatized girl. She was like 18 years old, but she collected plushies and dressed up like a child."

"I think I've seen that one." Judith nodded knowingly with new interest in the conversation. "She had to make herself a nest of plushies, pillows and blankets, so that she could fall asleep."

Benjamin glanced at Judith, feeling like for the first time in weeks he was actually seeing her and hearing her words. 

"Yeah, that's the one." Miles started nodding vigorously, forgetting all about his grilled sandwich that was getting cold. "Then she like completely zoned out for no reason at all. And she stopped eating and she thought she was fat even though she was just skin and bones."

"Eli sleeps on the floor." Benjamin blurted out. When everyone turned to look at him, he couldn't believe what he had just said.

"Why?" Jeremy Preston frowned. 

"We had an argument and I told him to sleep on the couch and now he refuses to sleep anywhere else but on the floor." Benjamin cursed himself inwardly, failing to keep the words from flowing. "And last night he dropped a glass and got all weird about it. He was drunk, but it was just so bizarre, and I don't think he could have been that drunk." 

When Benjamin was done talking, the table had grown quiet. For once Miles looked like he was out of words and there was genuine worry in his expression. Judith was frowning when she set the rest of her sandwich back on her plate. Jeremy Preston just looked confused.

"What happened to that girl? Did she get better?" Benjamin quickly changed the subject, embarrassed by his twaddle.

"Uh, she took her own life." The answer didn't really jazz up the atmosphere.

••••

That night, Benjamin sat down on the couch to look at Eli, who was yet again curled up on the floor in the narrow space between the couch and the coffee table. Eli's white shirt was drenched with sweat and he was hugging himself in his sleep. His breathing was fast and his eyes pressed shut. He was clearly distressed by whatever he was dreaming of.

Benjamin reached out his hand and stroked Eli's cheek gently. His skin felt clammy and cool, but the touch seemed to soothe him. Benjamin laid down on his side on the floor, having so little space his back was pressed against the sofa, and hugged Eli close. He felt helpless and frightened, like Eli was already slipping out of his reach.

"Why won't you tell me what's really going on? Why won't you tell me the truth?" Benjamin whispered, burying his face on the back of Eli's neck. He didn't get his answer as Eli was still fast asleep.