You are enough

Pain

Nathalie's POV

After Mr. Agreste left my room, I felt a terrible pain in my chest. It was as if my lungs closed and squeezed themselves, preventing any amount of air, however tiny, to fill them. I gasped; maybe this time my body was not going to resist the sickness. Not that I would care; not now that I knew I had been of no help, and that, on the contrary, I have dragged him away from his happiness.

I gaped my mouth in the lack of air and clasped onto the sheets. I felt as my lungs opened and allowed the air in. My head ached, and my chest seemed to be pierced by a thousand needles. I coughed. Blood. Blood sputtered all around me.

Gosh. He was right. Maybe I had ruined everything and now he disposed of me. I am no longer useful or helpful for the cause. I am no longer capable of aiding here anyhow; I cannot even walk without falling! I cannot serve anymore as the assistant I used to be. Still, I want to be by his side, be there as he recovers his wife and happiness, be there when Adrien smiles and hugs his mother, be there as the family reunites and say to myself "mission accomplished, sir."

Feeling useless is something I am not quite familiar with. I've always been perfect, the perfect student, the straight A's, the smartass, the perfect assistant... agile, intelligent, brilliant, problem-solver and I had always believed that was what Gabriel Agreste thought of me. I always felt he considered me important, that he valued my help even if little by little my body could endure less every time... but today, I had failed him and our cause.

I crawled painfully in my bed and clasped my tablet along with the book I was reading. I checked and answered my emails, asked for a light supper and put on some soft jazz music to submerge myself in the book. Still, my mind would not be at peace. Had Mr. Agreste truly meant what he told me? After everything we've been through? Sure, I had disobeyed him, I might have failed him today... but was it really that bad? I shrugged. Perhaps I had misunderstood signals, maybe it was true he did not care for anyone other than his wife... after all, I knew what I was getting into when I first decided to join his cause. I knew I might never obtain what my heart wanted, I knew it was all for him and his own happiness... and yet the pain felt so good. It was amazing to see him smile, to bring him closer to victory and keep his flame alive and eager to go on... I even dared think that without me he would have never got as far as he did... as we did.

I coughed and sputtered my sheets with blood again, my chest contracted and the lack of air took hold of me, though it lasted less than the first attack. There is absolutely nothing in this world I would not do for Gabriel; so far I have let him use me, risked my health and life for him... and I know I should regret imperilling so much for someone who shows such ungratefulness... but the truth is I would do it all again and as many times as needed.

Suddenly, someone knocked at my door.

"Yes?" I asked.

Mr. Agreste entered the mobile table with my food. I thanked him as he left without even saying hi.

I sighed as I held a spoon to my mouth. His harshness hurt me more than I thought it ever would. Anger flowed through my veins, unable to understand what had bothered him so much, why he raged fire against me this time and not before. It was not the first time I grabbed the miraculous, it was not the first time I saved his life by ending mine, only that this time that had outraged him for some reason.

I adjusted my glasses on the bridge of my nose so as to prevent tears from escaping my eyes. I assumed our relationship meant more to him than that of a mere assistant and a boss, that I was more than a chess piece for him to move around and sacrifice at his own will. I had got to consider him as a friend, to love him beyond limits, to do whatever I had to do so as to ensure his well being... and I could almost tell that his progressive tenderness towards me was nothing but a demonstration of reciprocity... Some foolish illusion of mine even dreamt of the possibility of him quitting his quest, of him quitting Emilie in spite of the pain that would mean for both of us and finally moving on with me... but I can see it is not possible and that if I want to stay here I must embrace reality and leave any childish fantasies behind before the pain is too much to bear.

I coughed once again, the needles stabbed my lungs repeatedly as my body moved frantically in search of air. There was no blood this time. I managed to smile for a little while. Maybe it was just an isolated rage. Just an innocent tantrum of a kid who is deprived of candy. That put my mind at ease and my lips let go a soft giggle. Perhaps in a matter of hours he would appear with a sad face, utter an apology, sit on the edge of my bed like so many times and seek for my warmth and comfort to find the strength to go on.

I smiled at the thought of that as I grabbed my book... if he needed the illusion of Emilie being back to go on maybe I needed the illusion of him by my side to do so as well. Illusions, fantasies and wishes are, after all, what keeps us going, what keeps us focused and working on something that does not grant certain or immediate results.

Around midnight, I heard some soft knocks at the door.

"Yes?" I said.

Gabriel came in, his head down, his eyes avoiding mine.

I grinned swiftly, I knew it.

"Nathalie, we need to talk," he uttered as he sat on my bed.

"I am all ears, sir," I expressed closing my book.