Gen-Z Explains Bollywood

Happy New Year

Welcome to another chapter of Gen-Z Explains Bollywood where I, Adrienne, chup-chupke watch bollywood movies and review them. Today i'm reviewing Happy New Year, which is a fucking fever dream.

WHO CAME UP WITH THIS? WHO DECIDED TO MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT SRK FORMING A DANCE GROUP WITH SONU SOOD, BOMAN IRANI, VIVAAN SHAH, ABHISHEK BACHCHAN AND DEEPIKA PADUKONE TO STEAL DIAMONDS FROM JACKIE SHROFF AND ABHISHEK BACHCHAN IN DUBAI?!

The movie starts of with a fight between Charlie (SRK) and some white dude. White dude says Charlie is the son of a thief. Charlie beats him up. Filmy reference.

He then goes to his apartment which shows that he really does not need the underground money BECAUSE PENTHOUSE?! On tv, Charan Grover (Jackie Shroff), a billionaire or something mentions exactly where he's kept this box of diamonds. So smart. It's like thieves exist. Charlie then says some filmy line about getting someone from the band back together *cue the music from that phineas and ferb episode*.

Then we jump to a movie set. Malaika Aurora cameos and just flails her dupatta around. Some bomb in the set goes off at the wrong time and we cut to Jag (Sonu Sood). Cue abs. Cue Malaika going call me. Apparently shirtless ghumna bura hai ye set pe (I'm not going to bother translating because the three readers of this know hindi) so director sahab makes fun of his mom. Jag is a maa ka laadla. He beats people up. Filmy stare-off.

Apparently Charlie's dad was also a parental figure for Jag. Charlie stalked Charan Grover for a while. Then they set out to get the third person. DUDE WE'RE GETTING THE BAND BACK TOGETHER *guitar riffs*!

Now the third guy, Tammy (Boman Irani), who aunties simp over. His mom then comes out the window and screams about how jobless he is and how he goes around running in a chaddi. Tammy ofcourse comments on how dumb this idea is. Charlie guiltrips him with "mera baap tera best friend tha".

We then get introduced to Jag's nephew, Rohan. Hacker bandha. Adorable puppy dog eyes. Dramatic fight scene. Kuch zyaada hi dramatic. Extra masala daal diya. Abs.

THEN NANDU BHIDE DIMAG MEI KHIDE (Abhishek Bachchan)! I don't even need to introduce. Sabko maalum hai. But his role is basically being Vicky Grover, Charan's son, since they are humshakals (I REFUSE TO REVIEW THAT MOVIE SO DON'T EVEN BOTHER ASKING I'M NOT SITTING THROUGH THAT SHIT SHOW AGAIN I LOVE YOU GUYS BUT NOT TO THAT EXTENT).

Let's recap the team till now- SRK playing himself, maa ka laadla with abs, vault breaker who has anxiety, bevda with kide in his dimag and a puppy dog eyed hacker. Or ChArLiE's AnGeLs.

They then go to rehearse.... a heist. Parallels with Charan Grover first taking people to see Shalimar and Charlie showing them with his second-hand replica.

SUPRISE SUPRISE, Charlie worked on the Shaalimar safe! He's apparently been planning this for years and built an entrance. But, this exact room they need has been reserved for the World Dance Championship. Now these people who have two left feet have to learn how to dance.

They then go on hunt for an instructor, because Nandu's naagin dance is not enough. First one is overly gay, lot of butt smacking, Charlie thirst trap, those kind of things. AND THEN MY KING MY LORD MY FUCKING RELIGION PRABHUDEVA SIR EVERYONE FUCKING BOW DOWN (as you can see I love Prabhudeva-). And then next, that one guy from Kapil Sharma in drag. Next a ballet professor. Music from Charlie Chaplin for some reason. They think of giving up, especially after it comes out that there's now a judge's round before the final round to be chosen as Team India. Vishal-Shekhar are the judges.

As then get into the backstory for this diamond heist. Charan apparently drugged Charlie's dad and framed him. Dad was jailed. Everyone is crying now. Another filmy dialogue.

NOW THE LOML, Mohini (Deepika Padukone)!! Child me watched this specific video and the maanva laage one way too many times-
I was so fucking gay as a kid-

Mohini speaks literal truth about how people who dance have no respect. Now the iconic dialogue "Dance ek kala hai. Art hai ye art!" (you're lying if you say you didn't do the hand thing). Next day, Charlie job-shames her. He doesn't realise she's behind him. The other guys have brain cells and tried to make him shut up. Gadha kuch zyaada hi maska maar tha hai. But Mohini loves "the" English, so she forgives him.

AND NOW THE BEST FUCKING SONG IN THIS, Manva Laage, sung by the amazing Shreya Ghoshal. Seriously, she has the voice of an angel.

They had a mess of an audition ig but they blackmail the judges and get into the second round. They aren't incredibly worried because Rohan is going to hack and make them win anyway. They do the most iconic dance ever. Vote count- Team Lesbia- ANGELS is in the lead but of course, humara naale + mohini jeet gaye.

Then the classic "Picture abhi bakhi hai mere dost." HUMME MAALUM HAI. HAR BAAR BOLTA HAI.

We now jump to Dubai, opening with this south indian reporter. Team Korea makes their dramatic interest. Aur abhi humari team, taxi mei aaye hai.

They get into the elevator and Charlie starts talking to this kid in Team Korea in korean.

Charlie again slut-shames her. Jag has braincells and talks to Mohini. We're now at the party. Mohini makes a dramatic entrance. Now Charlie looks at her like she's an object. Chardick Growsomeballs shames the group. Then the most popular song from this movie, Indiawaale.

Now an overdramatic interpretation of their plan.

Now practice session, bachha in the korean team loses his footing in a human pyramid. Leader guy tries to slap him. Charlie stops him. Dramatic fight. I literally have no clue what's happening. This movie istg-

There's a dance-off between Team India and Team Korea for the first round. Geeta Kapoor is the judge from India. Kiddo loses his footing again, Charlie saves him. Now, their attempt at the plan. BUT, the diamonds aren't here. They're coming on 31st.

The finalists are announced. And then a special announcement is given and Team India is in the finals. Somehow. Now they're in the news and everyone loves them. Modi himself congratulates them. Insert Jag thirst trap. But these girl's are more into dad bods. Romance between Charlie and Mohini.

Charlie accidentally says the whole plan in front of Mohini. He tells the entire story. Plot twist, dad is dead. Now she's also part of the plan.

Heist Attempt 2. Ye time actually kar paate hai. Password for the safe is Charlie. They fill the thing with water and swim out the top. They then climb out through the sewers. They are about to leave when Mohini remembers they're in the finals of a dance competition. Tammy develops a conscious and goes and joins her even though she doesn't need them. The others also develop a few braincells and goes join her. Charlie makes this dramatic entrance. They dance and Rohan doesn't look like he's living his worst nightmare.

Grovers get arrested. Filmy reveal and they got their redemption. BUT, the diamonds in the drink went into the kachra. They settled on the diamonds on the trophy. So basically the entire thing was a waste.

Anyway, now Jag is the director. The Aunty Simps are now Want To Be Wives. Girls are all over Rohan. Mohini opens her dance school and Rahul proposes to her with a ring which has one of the diamonds. So happy ending.

END CREDIT SCENE! Everything here is irrelevant apart from Abram Khan.

Ok that was it-
This is honestly a weird movie.
If you want amazing dancing, look for ABCD.
I'm 99.9% sure the writers were high while making the script.