A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in a little while, I've been working on my other stories and sterf. I started a Jalex! You should go read it!
I've been having the dreams again.
I never told Vic about them, though. He doesn't need to worry about me. I dont want him to worry about me. If he does, he might call the hospital. Then the nurses will realize there is something wrong and take me to the mental institute. Then Vic will think I'm crazy! He could never love me again. Nobody wants a broken person. A broken toy. Am I just a toy to Vic? Is he just playing with me until I break one day, and he won't want to play with me anymore? Maybe we were never ment to try and get along. Maybe I should've accepted that this was just a little crush, kept my thoughts to myself.
I was so stupid, honestly. Why would I even think to try and get with Vic? Once he knows my secrets, he'll surley leave me. I don't want to be without him, but I understand why he would go.
I guess I might as well tell him, better sooner than later, right? The worse that could happen is him leaving...right?! It's not like he wasn't gonna end up finding out himself when he hears me screaming in my sleep at some point. He'l be curious of course, because-
because he loves me.
I told you I was stupid! Vic loves me, he wouldn't leave me, right..? This life i'm living, if it's even considered life, is such a lie. The masks I put on for the world around me.
Speaking of the world... Being in this, spacey, quite phase, I've noticed that our community is crumbling right beneath our feet. People are so desperate to get their hands on what they want, they"ll do anything to get to it. They'll break things, including (but not limited to) hearts, dreams, faces, and other body parts. Why can't everybody realize how fortunate they are and be happy with what they have?
What am I saying? I said it myself, people are desperate. Everything isn't enough. They need more. Anything to be popular, anything to get that one girl or guy. It's all stupid.
Back to my dreams...
Everyone has had a nightmare, surley. It's part of life. But these, they were the worst. There is no way to even explain the pain. They are more real feeling then life is sometimes. They combine all of my fears together, maybe not all at the same time, but they all somehow relate. That makes it nearly impossible to get rid of one fear, since they are connected, the other fears will keep any fears from leaving. If that makes any sense. I wake up numb. The feeling I felt in my dreams will stay with me. The thoughts are always in the back of my mind. Dragging me down.. Just there to remind me that I'll never escape.
I've always been afraid that when I die, all I'll see is my nightmares, over and over again, forever... And I'll never be able to wake up, so i'll never escape. Opening my eyes in the middle of the night ws the only way out.
I know there's something wrong with me, how could there not be? I know I should get help, but I don't want it. That makes me seem weak. I can deal with it myself because I'm strong.
I just hope I'm strong enough
