Creep

Chapter Eight

I wanna be in another place. I hate when you say you don't understand. I wanna be in the energy, not with the enemy. A place for my head.~Linkin Park

It was lunch time, and Gerard was getting all of his film papers organized and ready to go. Soon, he would tell us the whole idea of the short film, and read off to each of us our roles.

Gerard readied his vocal chords then began to summarize the message of his mini movie, "Everyone these days try to be different, when in reality they're all acting the same, 'different'. And, even though they think they're being original, they aren't. Basically, the modernized version of 'Being Yourself is Beautiful'. Now no time for chitter-chatter, because I'm going to read right down the list to you your part so that I can go to class and get going on the rough copy. Now this film isn't going to be made up of make believe characters as I made it seem like it would, oh no, it will be made up of you guys doing special experiments. Example: if someone is usually loud, comical, and boisterous, their role would to be quiet, and mysterious for the day. That way we can get everyone's reaction on tape. How people react when you're not being yourself. So, I'll be getting on tape each of you acting differently at school. I'll actually be coming up with each of you're characters as we go along, I lied about roles and stuff. Okay, I'm leaving! Peace!"

"My brother is such a genius sometimes. I feel that when he grows up he'll have the potential to become an actual director." Smiled Miriam.

"I sure think he does," confirmed Ethan, "How about you Hen? Do you think he does?"

I nodded.

"What's wrong?" She questioned, bewildered, reading my face.

"I don't know, just kind of on edge about the whole acting thing I guess." I lied, knowing that I was extremely petrified of the whole idea.

"Aw, don't be nervous, like High School Musical once said, 'we're all in this together'" Ethan giggled, her cheeks pink.

I laughed. Pretty awkwardly if I might add. It came out more like frog croaks, which caused Miriam to laugh, hers sounding more like the squealing of a pig. We couldn't stop making fun of each other, which turned into realizing how stupid we sounded ourselves.

I haven't laughed like that for at least a year. Usually I hold in my horribly embarrassing laugh because well...it's embarrassing, but for some reason I felt alright using it at the time. And, it felt really nice finally letting it out.
. . .

Unfortunately though, due to my over thinking and unpleasant case of GAD, that feeling didn't last all too long. For some reason I tend to analyze everything. I actually have this really weird routine, it goes like this: Okay, so when I get home, after the day is just about over, I think about all of the events that had went on that day. From there I pick out all of the mistakes I think I made during the course of the day, like saying or doing something that I thought was wrong. After that I think of all of the bad things people must be thinking about me because of that one thing that I did. I imagine what things I've could've done to replace that action. After a while I begin to get really angry with myself over the stupidest things, not to mention give myself dreadful headaches/stomachaches (depending on how severe the thought is sometimes I'll get both, or even throw up).

On this particular day I started to over think about my friends. I kept on thinking that I made a fool out of myself today by laughing like an idiot. I kept repeatedly telling myself, "Tomorrow, I'll change. I won't speak to anyone, that way I can make no mistakes. Tomorrow, I'll change. I won't speak. It's better when I don't talk. It's safer when I don't talk. Tomorrow I'll change." I thought that all I've ever said to my friends was wrong of me for some reason.

I hated how I broke down at Ethan's house, I hated how I told her what had happened when I was younger, I hated how she knew I had a problem, I hated how I laughed with Miriam, I hated how I talked too much with Gerard, I hated how I talked to Miriam and Ethan, I hated talking, I hated having friends, I hated myself, I hated my life.

That night was filled with lots of different sleeping positions, minus the sleeping part of course. First, I was sweating so I threw the two covers off of the top of me. I'm normally excessively cold. Then, almost four minutes later the air felt so frigid that I grabbed the blankets off of the floor, and rushed down the hall to double the amount. When I finished maneuvering all of the blankets out of the closet, I realized that I was too cold to go back to my bed, and just laid on the splintery wooden ground wrapped in all four quilts. But only minutes later, I felt as if the blankets were strangling me, they were too tightly tucked. The worst part was when I tried to escape from the nonliving, yet quite monstrous fabrics, I couldn't seem to be able to unravel myself. I thought I was stuck, and the tragic part was that I thought I'd be trapped forever. I tossed and turned, but nothing worked, I couldn't get out. I shouted for help over and over again, I couldn't stop my brain from panicking.

My mom and sister ran in, my mom sprinting so rapid that she almost tripped over her own feet.

"I-I can't get out! Mom, I'm never gonna get out! Help me get out!" I heaved.

They dashed to my side and untangled me, both crying. I know I'm a disappointment to them. I know that my problems cost them a lot of money and worry and time. I'm honestly not even worth it. Like, if I myself wasn't here in their lives, they'd be much less stressed and way more happy.

And, it wasn't that I thought that I was never going to get out of the mess of the covers. It was that I thought I was never going to get out the mess of my own mind.