Why Are We Afraid?

[One]

Everybody wants happiness.

And, some people succeed but others? People like me? No, we suffer.

It can be at the hands of ourselves or others, but, regardless we will suffer.

I always think, maybe it's my fault. Maybe I deserve all of it. I want to run away, I want to end it all.

But I can't.

Why? This world has nothing to offer me, yet, I cannot leave it.

As many times as I've tried, I never go through with it.

Because, I'm afraid.

~

The crowded hallways of school does no justice for my anxiety.

I feel as if everyone is staring, as if every wall in this building is closing in on me.

But, that's just me.

Opening my locker, I grab my books for class.

I release a breath closing my locker back, "hey!" Kai chimes beside me.

I force a smile glancing over at my best friend, who I envy so much.

Kai is everything you'd want to be if you were me.

He's smart, the teachers love him, everyone loves him.

He's always so bright and excited, happiness is something he achieved.

Why can't I be like Kai?

"Are you listening?" Kai waves his hand in front of my face, I force a laugh nodding "of course".

He deadpans, "oh really? What did I say?" He crosses his arms.

"Uh, okay fine. I wasn't listening" I sigh, "oh come on Ni, pay attention" he nudges me.

I nod, "since 19 is a big deal, my parents are allowing me to leave town for my birthday!" He exclaims.

"Cool?" I narrow my eyes, "by myself!" He adds.

"Even...cooler?" I shrug, he rolls his eyes pushing open the classroom door for me.

"Be more excited, it'll be fun" he smiles, "we can do whatever we want" he states as we sit down in our seats.

I nod, "sure yeah, but uh, your birthday is next...year?" I raise a brow.

He mocks me causing me to smile, "Ah" he shushes me.

"Good morning class" Mrs. Ahn enters the room.

By her side is a boy. He's tall, his hair is shaggy and he's gripping on his book bags straps as if his life depends on it.

"This is our new student, Choi Soobin" Mrs Ahn speaks pointing at him.

His head is still hanging low despite being introduced, he doesn't even acknowledge the class.

"Ah, he's so cute!!" One of the girls exclaims.

That's when he slightly lifts his head at the remark, "please find a empty seat".

Soobin looks around the classroom and starts walking.

He makes his way to the seat behind me, in the back of the class.

/

Class goes by with me causally zoning in and out not paying attention to what the teacher said.