Why Are We Afraid?

[Four]

/ Soobin's pov \

I stare at the pills in my hand thinking of ways to escape this, to escape from swallowing these.

But, nothing comes to mind anymore.

Of course Yeoni did but, I haven't spoken to her in almost four days.

She doesn't answer my calls, texts, my knocks at the window and she doesn't even come to school anymore.

I kept asking myself, what was wrong with her?

Eventually though, I started asking what is wrong with me?

She isn't the first person to abandoned me, I mean, why did I expect her to stay? She has no reason.

A knock on the bathroom door causes me to jump and drop the pills in the toilet, "shit" I mumble.

"One second" I call, "one second? You've been in there for like 30 minutes!" My younger cousin shouts back.

I hmph then flush the toilet, I swing the door open "it's all yours" I tell him.

He smiles then closes the door, "fuck, fuck" I whisper to myself running my hands down my face.

That was my last amount of pills.

/

I knock on Kai's door hoping he at least heard from Yeoni, "oh, hey, Soobin" he speaks opening the door.

I nod, "hey, have you...heard from Yeoni?" I furrow my brows.

He looks at me for a moment before shaking his head, "you okay? You look tired" he asks me.

"I'm fine, I'm fine. I just...I wanted to talk to her" I nod, "maybe...stop by her house?" He shrugs.

"I tried" I mumble sighing. He nods, "look, it's not the first time she's gone away for a while. Sometimes she just doesn't want to be bothered" he smiles.

"You aren't worried for her?" I ask. He lowers his brows confused, "she is staying in a abusive household, right?" I raise my brows.

He looks down for a second then looks back up to me, "she won't let me do anything" he states.

//

Tapping on Yeoni's window is tiring.

I know she isn't going to answer but, I keep trying.

How pathetic of me.

"Yeoni" I call to her sleeping body, "please open the window, please".

I notice her body shift a bit, "I know your up and can hear me, just...open up" I plead.

She turns to the window, the moonlight shines on her tears stained face, revealing her busted lip and black eye.

My heart drops, "let me in" I nod.

She looks at me for a moment before slowly getting up and walking to the window.

I feel as if a number of my problems are being solved just by her opening the window.

"Yeah?" She asks. I lower my brows, "yeah? That's it? That's all you have to say?" I ask her climbing into her room.

"Why have you been knocking on my window?" She crosses her arms. I look at her confused.

"We're friends?" I scoff, she looks down as if she wants to cry.

"Or...maybe it was stupid to think that you actually cared for me" I shake my head.

She looks up at me, "I do, but I have my own shit to deal with! Okay?" She whisper shouts.

I just nod in response, "look" she sighs, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't mean to yell at you" she sits on her bed.

"I didn't mean to make you feel abandoned again, I should've at least answered your text".

I sit down next to her, "I'm sorry for making you seem like the bad guy" I mumble.

She lets out a small sigh resting her head on my shoulder, "what happened?" I decide to ask her.

"He told me...I looked like my mother. He said he hated her for what she did to us and I guess..I guess since I look like her, he took his anger out on me" she explains.

I sigh glancing down at her laying on my shoulder, "I'm sorry" I whisper reaching over and grabbing her hand.

She nods, "it's fine" she grips my hand.

For the first time, she's been the only one who can make me smile.

It feels foreign to me, you know, to smile after so long.

She then looks up at me, "he's gone for the night, could you stay?" She asks.

At once, I feel my heart skip multiple beats.

"Oh, I uh..I" I stammer, "it's fine, you don't have to" she shrugs.

"No! I do, I just..sorry" I sigh, she chuckles "it just caught me by surprise" I admit.

She nods understandingly, "I get it, can we lay down?" She points with a small smile.

I nod.

After getting settled in the bed, I lay on my back staring at the dark ceiling.

Suddenly, I feel her arm around my waist and head on my chest.

"Soobin" she starts, I just hum in response trying to control my breathing.

"I told you...I wouldn't leave you. Please don't think otherwise" she whispers.

I just nod and place my arm on her shoulder, "thanks for staying" she looks up at me.

I show a small smile, "ye..yea, of course" I nod.

She smiles then closes her eyes, after a while, I bring my hand up to her face.

I run my thumb gently over her bottom lip examining the bruise.

If anyone deserves better, it's Yeoni.

She's my escape, when I'm with her, when I'm in her presence I don't think about the drugs.

Although, of course I crave them, I don't need them.

She gives me enough high on her own.

A sigh escapes my lips and I drop my hand closing my eyes.

//

I wake up before Yeoni, the rays of sunlight shine in my eyes causing me to squint.

Yeoni on the other hand, has her head buried in my chest avoiding the penetrating light.

I manage to escape her grasp and quietly leave the room in search for the bathroom.

Walking down the hall, I push open a door.

It isn't to the bathroom, but, to her dads room.

The room looks as if it's barely been touched in weeks, I just close the door back and continue looking for the bathroom.

I push a door open which leads to the bathroom, I walk in closing the door behind me.

Lifting the toilet seat up, I begin to use it.

My eyes drift to the medicine cabinet as I do so.

No.

But that doesn't stop me because as soon as I finish and wash my hands, I open it.

Grabbing the first bottle, I read the label Opioids.

I place one pill in my hand then close the bottle putting it back in the cabinet.

I then take the pill.

/ To be continued \