Make Me Feel Again ♕ Geralt Of Rivia

nineteen .

G E R A L T

Stupid. The way I handled the entire situation was fucking stupid.

I haven't slept. I couldn't. The minute I close my eyes, the haunting image of the look on El's face when I'd pulled away is seared into my mind and it breaks my heart every time I replay the events of last night.

The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt her and somehow in the midst of trying my damn hardest not to, I still winded up doing just that.

I'm not sure how long I've been sitting outside of El's door, waiting to see her face, hoping and praying that she doesn't bolt as soon as she sees me.

Fuck. I really fucked up, haven't I?

Finally, her door swings open and she steps out. I feel a pang in my chest as I take in her red-rimmed eyes and the bags under them. Her face is still puffy from what little sleep she must've caught. Even then, she's the most beautiful woman I've seen.

El starts when she sees me. I don't miss the hurt and uncertainty that flashes across her eyes before she masks it all with a smile.

"Good morning," She chirps with a false sense of zeal that I know she doesn't feel.

"Morning," I mutter in reply as she breezes past me  with the giant ball of fur that she calls a dog right on her heels, seemingly materialising from wherever it is he'd disappeared to last night.

"Where are we off to today?" She asks as if everything is fine and merry.

"El..."

"Listen, you don't have to say anything. I get it," She says before I got the chance to put my thoughts into words, "It was a mistake on my part- a spur of the moment kind of thing. It won't happen again. Rest assured I don't have cooties." El jokes in an attempt to lighten the mood, paired with a laugh so forced it hurts me.

My eyes roam her face, taking in how the edges of her lips tremble ever so slightly even though she tries to fight it.

I hate that she's passing off what happened between us as a mistake, but that is what it has to be and what we have now is all we can ever have.

I close the distance between us, pushing her hair out of her face before I could think better of it.

El sighs, leaning into my touch, though I'm not sure if she was even aware she was doing it.

"Look, Gor. I mean it when I say I get it, alright? I'm not going to lie and say that it didn't do some serious damage to my ego. But admittedly, it could do me some good knocking it down a peg every once in a while." She says with a teasing smile that looks a little more genuine, "So, can we please pretend like none of it ever happened? I can't lose you, you know? Who else am I going to boss around?"

I can't help but laugh, and as my gaze fleets over hers, I curse myself for not doing more to resist kissing her back last night. Because now that I've had a taste of what it feels like to have her lips on mine, it makes it all the more harder to hold myself back.

She shifts from one foot to the other- a tell for when she starts to feel uncertain and it kills me that I've let things escalate to a point where I'm making her doubt things between us.

"We're fine, right?" She asks, chewing on her bottom lip. Lips that I would kill to taste just one more time.

"We're fine, El."

Clearly, I wasn't thinking it through when I lean forward to press a kiss on her forehead. It proves to be a terrible idea when El jerks back ever so slightly at the gesture that once use to come so naturally.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. How did I let it come to this?

I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. But then again, I probably deserved it.

"I, ah...I should probably let Finley out and maybe check on Roach for a little while." She says, her eyes never meeting mine.

I offer her a quick nod in reply and then watch her back as she turns to leave. Exhaling sharply, I run a hand over my face.

Why do I get the feeling I'm about to lose the one person I swore never to? The worst part was; this was no one else's fault but mine.

I hear footsteps approaching behind me. They're heavy to be El's and my instincts prove me right when Jaskier speaks up.

"So...I couldn't help but overhear that whole conversation."

I let out a grunt, not even bothering with a proper reply. After what happened at the banquet and with El, I wasn't in the mood for whatever bullshit he had for me.

"Do you want to know what I think?"

"'No," I reply curtly.

"Well, that's too bad." Jaskier shrugs, "Because I'm going to tell you anyway." He states unapologetically, which annoys me to no end. "I think you're not as emotionless as rumours say you are and that you have feelings for sweet Eleanora. That much is painfully obvious, actually."

Jaskier walks in a circle around me with a hand stroking his chin, his appraising eyes taking me in slowly.

"But..." He continues, "You're hiding something from her. Aren't you, Geralt? Something important. Something that you're afraid would come between you and her."

"When did you become such the fucking intellect?" I snipe, glaring intensely at him.

The bard gulps but doesn't seem to make any move to back off otherwise.

"Here's the thing, Geralt. I like Eleanora and I would hate to see her hurt. But if you love her- which I think you do. Then, it'll be the most foolish thing you could do to let her slip through your fingers." Without even waiting for a reply, he leaves the room.

The truth was that I wanted her. Fuck, I do. But Jaskier is right...I hold secrets that could tear us to fucking shreds.