SOUR

happier

Reader pov

I was out of my mind with grief.

Duff was gone.

Well I was going through all the grief of having to live with the mess I made. It was like a slideshow of memories flooding back into my mind. All these times with the man who I was in love with and who now hates me coming back to me along with the feelings that accompanied them.

I remembered how it felt when he proposed to me, the moment where he wanted me to be the person he spent forever with. The relief to know that he loved me as much as I loved him had washed over me and I had cried off all the makeup I had on. I wasn't a pretty bride to be but a mess of tears that stained his neck as he laughed trying to calm me, promising me that he'd love me forever. And I trusted him and believed every single word that he was saying with me.

I remember writing my vows well Duff finished a tour. I sat on our balcony wrapped up in one of Duff's football hoodies, a pen in my hand as I wrote all the feelings of love and dedication I hate for him on paper in a leather bound journal. I made my promise to him there, letting him know how I felt and what I wanted. How I would build our home and support his passions, always. I'd be his champion, best friend, and lover everyday. I promised him all of me, even if I had a big case. I promised to make sure we had weekend getaways and spontaneous date nights. I promised him I'd always make his favorite soup when he was sick and I'd always do the laundry if he did the dishes. I promised to tell him I loved him everyday especially on days where I was mad at him. I promised him a future where everyday he could look forward to being loved and cherished.

And even though I had gotten into an accident before the vows I felt like I had broken themby not remembering how much I loved him.

It took me a couple days to find the notebook with the vows in them. And when I realized that Duff wasn't going to answer his phone I had packed them in an envelope and sent Tiffany out to mail it for me this afternoon. Leaving me in an empty apartment with my overwhelming sadness in the same t-shirt I had worn for a week. The one Duff had left by accident and that I wouldn't take off because it made me feel closer to him.

It was hard not having the blonde with me. I had been with him for so long, even when I was in the hospital and didn't know him, he was there for me. Duff had gone to NIkki's just trying to look out for me because he cared and I repaid him time and time again by not seeing something so clear.

I was beating myself up for the way things were. Tiffany was so concerned she was staying with me like I was a child who needed taking care of. She probably wasn't too far off the marker with that one. She had also planned a girls trip to try and get me out of the funk I was letting myself live in.

How many stages were there in grief again?

I had already called Duff today leaving another voicemail and getting cut off when I had lamented for too long. It was getting to the point that I was sure that he was gone forever. He couldn't want me anymore.

The only person who seemed to want me was Nikki, who came around everyday to leave a bouquet of red roses by my door when I didn't answer the door. I'd let him talk through the door, sometimes listening and feeling guilty.

Part of me felt like it was my responsibility to make sure Nikki was okay. It was like programmed into my DNA that I was the person who needed to keep him happy and on track. Even though it had been over for a long time there was a part of me that would always be sorry about Nikki. He was my first love. The person who I gave everything in the world too and who showed me my first heartbreak in return.

It was complicated to think about the life we could have had together; I knew at the end of the day Nikki and I shouldn't be together. Even NIkki now, the sober kind man couldn't be with me because I was too independent. He couldn't have me in the way he needed. It wasn't that he wasn't happy with my success or that he wanted to control me. No, Nikki needed to feel useful in a relationship like he was the one taking care of someone and not the other way around.