Jester (Man x Man) ✔

28) c o n f u s i o n s

"I need you to tell me what really happened that night, Eli." Benjamin watched how the words made Eli shift on his seat. 

"Can we talk about something else? I don't want to fight." Eli bid.

"I'm not trying to pick a fight, I just want to know the truth." Benjamin insisted.

"There's nothing more to tell." Eli stood up, picked up his plate and took it to the sink. Benjamin looked at him when he rinsed the plate, feeling the change in his mood. He immediately felt bad, knowing that Eli had just wanted to do something nice for him and he had ruined it by mentioning that night.

"Okay, sorry, we don't have to talk about it now." Benjamin got up and walked to Eli. He hugged him from behind and rested his chin on his shoulder like he had done earlier. 

"I did a stupid thing and I broke your heart. That's why I feel like this, that's the only reason." Eli sighed, sounding defeated, and hung his head.

"Okay.." For some reason that brought tears in Benjamin's eyes. Maybe he had made up the entire thing, trying to find any kind of explanation for why Eli had cheated on him. Of course he didn't wish that something traumatizing had happened to Eli, but a part of him had hung on the hope of.. 

The hope of what? That somehow Eli had made up the entire story about the cheating and that any moment he could tell him it didn't happen?

"Hey.." Eli breathed when a sob escaped from Benjamin's mouth. He turned around and embraced him tightly: "I'm so sorry. I wish I could take it all back."

Benjamin wasn't sure how long he cried, but it felt like the tears wouldn't run dry now that he finally let them come. Eli held him firmly, sometimes stroking his back with one hand and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over again. And although Benjamin's grip around him was so tight it must have hurt, he never once complained or tried to break free.

"Do you think you made a mistake letting me stay?" Eli asked when the sobs had turned to occasional sniffles. He cupped Benjamin's face with his hands and used his thumbs to swipe away the tears. 

"Sometimes." Benjamin answered truthfully. "But mostly not."

"Why not?" Eli whispered.

"Because I think what we have is worth the fight, you are worth it." Benjamin smiled at Eli. He opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it again while shaking his head.

"Actually, Benjamin, I.." Eli said eventually, his voice thick with an emotion Benjamin couldn't quite read.

"What is it?" He asked when Eli grew quiet. 

"Nothing." Eli shook his head again, then he finally smiled. "I hope you're right."

••••

Eli seemed to be feeling better the following week. He sometimes did and said things that confused Benjamin, but it was starting to look like they could actually move past what had happened. 

Eli still slept on the floor and Benjamin knew he was lying when he said he hadn't had nightmares after that one Benjamin had witnessed. He still smoked more than he used to and spent most of his time lost in his thoughts.

But if you could ignore all that, like Benjamin often tried to do, he seemed to be doing better. He smiled and laughed more and there was certain calmness in everything he did. 

"Are you ready soon?" Benjamin rushed Eli. He had been feeling better as well. Maybe all he had needed was to let the tears come and to let Eli closer again. 

Surely Benjamin had his insecurities, and more than anything he would have wanted to know if money was truly the only reason for the cheating. The fear of lacking something was often weighing him down. What was it about him that drove others to cheat? Was it something he did or didn't do? Or did he just have a poor taste in men? 

"Yeah, just a sec." Eli promised. 

Sometimes Benjamin felt angry, sometimes disappointed, but mostly he was confused. After all the time they had spent together, he still couldn't read what was going on in Eli's mind. He couldn't quite keep up with his mood swings, but he wasn't complaining now that Eli was in a better mood.

Then Eli appeared in the hallway and started pulling on his combat boots, wearing a grin on his lips. Benjamin wasn't blind, he could see the sadness in his eyes, clearer than ever. 

Many times Eli had opened his mouth, just like that morning a week ago, but then shaken his head and left without saying a word. There was something he wanted to tell, but for some reason couldn't. Hence the confusion.

"I can't believe she actually did it." Eli wondered in awe on their way to FAB. He was smoking, no surprise there, while sauntering next to Benjamin.

"Don't sound so surprised, of course she did." Benjamin friskily scolded him. It was Dam-Bi's graduation day and they had promised to celebrate with her.

FAB was crowded again, but the others had reserved seats for them at their table. As soon as they showed up, Dam-Bi shot up and pulled Eli in a hug so firm it probably broke a rib or two.

"Aw, baby, you've gotten so tiny." She complained, swirling them around and looking genuinely pleased to see him.

"I've not." Eli chuckled and kissed her cheek while congratulating her about the graduation. The sight of them made Benjamin smile. He went to get them drinks and pecked Eli's lips when he sat next to him. Eli's jaw dropped in surprise at first, but then it was replaced by a beaming smile.

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Sorry if this feels like they're constantly taking one step forward and two steps back. I think it's still necessary for the story.

I hope you're doing well. :)