safe in your skin | ellie williams

Prologue

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.
tw parental abuse ( i'm not romantizing it, i just had to cope with some trauma sorry ) / angst

As i sit here on the old wooden log in the forest, looking up at the foggy morning air, I can't help but think about suicide.

Not my own, but about other people's decision to just end their lives. Do they ever regret it in the last few seconds ? Sure there were enough reasons to end your life with all these infected around, but was it worth it? There had to be some kind of good ending but with the world being like this, the chance had gotten smaller and smaller.

I think about death a lot lately, particularly after the passing of my father, the only person i was close to in my entire life. just gone.

I know some people would've probably killed themselves if they were in my shoes, but I somehow always managed to make it through my hardest times. Well, you were still in that time, but you still had to achieve what your dad would've always wanted.

To leave peacefully, away from the New Yorker QZ, in some small town named Jackson in Wyoming. That's what he always wanted. To start all over again, pretending to live a normal life in a village, even though this cordyceps desease was everywhere around the world.

You put your journal and pen away down and placed them in your bag pack once again. You sighed, breathing in the icy air while fiddling with your necklace. The only thing you would hold on your entire life. You would kill someone to protect that thing.

While playing with the heart shaped locket on your necklace you can't help it and catch a glance of your scars on your hand once again.

The cuts of various fights, bruises that haven't faded yet and that one scar that your mother gave you with her pocket knife. When you would squint your eyes the two lines would kinda make out a hallow heart. Kinda ironic, based on how the scar was created. It definitely didn't have anything to do with love.

You never had the best relationship with your mom, especially after the death of your father. Your moms behavior changed ever since.

Your dark brown wavy hair was blowed slightly away from the wind, making you tuck your front strands behind your ears. Breaking away from zoning out, you stood up and made your way to your planned location - Jackson.

You were more than halfway there and you definitely had to go through hell on your way here.

One night a horde of infected was right in front of your hideout cabin after they chased you, even after miles and miles. You tried to kill most of them by blowing away their nonexistent brains with your beloved shotgun but there were way too many at that point. You remember your breathing being more than just unsteady and anxiously playing with your locket as you always did when you were nervous, as you were sitting in the ice cold cement basement of the cabin. A wonder you didn't freeze to death in that shit hole.

You grabbed your map and studied it for what felt like the fifth thousandths time. You had to get there. You didn't even know what piece of hope that town gave you. What if you arrived at that place and still felt like a piece of you was missing ?

The sound of a runner interrupted your thoughts. Trying to get to you, it made its way near you, only to be stopped with a bullet of your gun. You stuck it back into the gun holster. Fucking son of a bitch.

At sun dawn you had found shelter in another wooden cabin, your legs were aching to get some rest after walking the entire day. Your bag pack had been put down in the corner and your art supplies were layed out in front of you on the -what used to be a living room- table. Since you didn't have anything else to do while waiting for the night to begin, you had grown out your love for art. You were drawing all kinds of sketches, oil paintings, chalk, pencil...

The night began to reach its peak and you were convinced it was finally time to get some sleep after eating a few of your left over foods and after being up the entire day. Making yourself the way to the bathroom, you glanced at your reflection, another new small cut from an infected fight yesterday still engraved in your fair, freckled skin. Eyes tired, dark eyebags and a watery look in your eyes were what you always received when you looked into the mirror.

After changing into your nightwear, you layed down onto the brown leather couch, making yourself comfortable. Of course you had a knife under your pillow, just to be safe. Two or so more days and you would finally reach your destination.

Your dads necklace was still around your neck, almost like glued onto your body. Inside the heart locket was a cut out polaroid picture of him and you, with his handwritting on it.
"Love you, kiddo"

It was a wonder to you that you were being able to sleep today. You normally had an awful sleep pattern mostly caused by your anxiety or panic attacks. The actions of your mother caused all of that- atleast you think so.

You and your parents left New York's QZ thinking it would be safer in some smaller town outside of that area. Your dad, Chris had heard about some same village called Jackson in Wyoming, mentioning it would be a kind and accepting community. You three travelled through this destroyed land until your family was attacked in Seattle by the Washington Liberation Front- WLF for short. They took away your fathers life, leaving you with heavy cuts and bruises on your body. Your mother stood beside you as you were talking to your passing dad. He gave you his gift- the silvery necklace he usually wore in the last few minutes of his life before finally closing his eyes and breathing his last breath on this earth.

Your mother was shaken up, yet not emotionally detached after that event. Her behavior to you completely after his passing.

She became physically and verbally abusive towards you, leaving all the anger and disappointment out on you. The littlest mistakes you made, made her flip out and slap you. She had slapped you before, but it was way different now. She would call you several insults and hit you until you were crawled up on the floor and even when you were having panic attacks there on the cold floor, she would never stop screaming at you. She would be telling you, you would be better off dead if you would kill yourself or would just call you a piece of shit.

After a while you became numb and just took it in, you had no one else to hold onto. Not anymore. You craved freedom or being finally away from her.

The final evening you saw her was one and a half weeks ago. You had come back from investigating the area for medical supplies only to find your anger full filled mother waiting for you. She was raging about you still wanting to go to Jackson, all she wanted to do was settle down already but that's not what you wanted. You politely told her you wouldn't stay and you received a slap against your cheek.
" Don't talk back to me y/n, this isn't what your dad wanted, you're being such a disappointment to him."

It leveled up to a raging argument where you both were letting all your frustration out. At the end you grabbed the map where all the locations and routs to Jackson were marked up but your mother caught a glance of that and pulled out her pocket knife.

You would never be able to forget the look of her grey, widened eyes. So much disgust and hate in them.
"You know what, mom. I will leave without you, if you want it or not, it's clear that you don't want me here", you said in a heartless tone, your brown eyebrows wrinkled in anger.

"If that's what you want go, but don't make ever make me see you again...go" your mom growled, moving the knife in your direction in threatening movements. The sharp tip of the pocket knife caught your hand, engraving 2 lines onto it. They were not too deep but also not just on the surface. They were definitely gonna leave a scar. Blood was seeking out and you held your hand, to stop the bleeding. You bit onto your cheek and looked at her in pure hate.

The last thing you knew was you grabbing the map once again and stomping your way out of the hideout. You were on your own now, maybe it was better this way. It was overall not an ending, just the beginning of a new story.
This is gonna be risky, you remember thinking to yourself.