She watched the snow swirl down from the colourless sky, which disappeared as it crashed against her window. She sighed, her warm breath fogged up the glass, as she moved away from the comfort of her window seat. 11:42am was the time that was presented to her as she glanced down at her phone. Its okay, she thought, he has all day to message me. However, she wasnt entirely sure he would, he wasnt exactly reliable, and she didnt know for sure if he thought about her just as much as she thought about him. She couldnt make the first move, not again, it was too humiliating.
He'll think I'm unhinged, she thought. She returned to her window seat, placed her elbows on the windowsill and cupped her face in her hands. She sighed again, this time elongating her exhale, watching how the cold glass in front of her steamed up. She lifted her finger to the window, drawing a smiley face onto the canvas her breath had created, smiling back at it until it faded away. The sound of her phone snapped her out of her daze, she looked down at it eagerly, disappointed to see the same old name staring at her from her screen. It wasnt that she was unhappy to see her friends name typed there, she saw it every day, it was more she was hoping to see another one. His name.
She tapped her nose in frustration, pondering what to do next. Her mind wandered to different times, times when the sun didnt set until 10pm, when the warm breeze whipped up her auburn hair and when she had him holding her hand.
She decided to walk, not to anywhere in particular, but to walk none the less. She liked those types of walks, ones with no certain destination, no end goal, no stress of when to get there and how she must look when she does. Just a pointless, mindless walk in any direction.
I suppose it related to how she felt most of the time, having no sense of direction and just mindlessly walking through life. It seemed to work for her, gently coasting along, trying to find some sort of direction but preferring not to have one. She didnt want the hassle, the stress or the disappointment of when things didnt work out the way she wanted.
She was reckless, she'd made bad decisions. Thoughtless and careless decisions that cost her her happiness and made her feel numb. He made her feel something, and she hadnt felt that in a long time before she met him.
Now hes gone.
So, she goes back to watching snow falling, the sun setting and rain pouring down windowpanes. She tries to show kindness and spread love wherever she goes, knowing that inside there is nothing but the hollow shell of who she once was, and even then, she was never that nice.
So, who was she? This girl who watches sunsets and enjoys walking in the pouring rain. The girl who longs to be loved the way she desires to love somebody else. The girl who fell for the first boy she thought had treated her right.
Its pitiful really, watching her fall repeatedly for boys that she knows dont want to know her, and I mean really know her. None of them stuck around long enough for them to even know her favourite colour.
Theyre all the same. It starts so sweet, the flattery, the compliments, the way his eyes lock onto hers. They know what theyre doing. Teenage boys are devil spawn. And they ruined her.
They ruined who she was and how she perceived the world and how she perceived herself.
Too tall. Too flat. Too loud. Fat. Ugly.
So, what was she supposed to say, when he looked at her and asked her to name at least three things that she loved about herself? What was she supposed to do when he took both of her hands in his and told her that he wouldnt break her heart?
It was scary, overwhelming.
Could he really see the same girl standing in front of him who stood in the mirror picking out her flaws only hours before? Could he see how nervous she was to mess this up?
Her palms were sweaty, she was talking too much, talking too little, talking about nothing and then too much again. But he smiled, and he laughed, and it reassured her that she was okay. How could a person she'd known five minutes make her feel this at ease? It wasn't natural. Especially for a boy so close to home.
She didnt know who he was, despite how badly she wanted to. Falling deeper for somebody that she'd made up in her head.
"What if Im not all that amazing though? What if I am just a dick?" he said.
Maybe she should have listened.
But she missed him, most of the time. Missed having a person, not her person, but a person. Someone to rely on, but how is it possible to rely on someone that you dont even know?
She didnt love him, maybe she loved the idea of him and what they couldve been, but she didnt love him. She knew that.
So, let go. Let him go.
Why cant she let him go?
