He won't read this, but I kind of wish he would.
I felt you pulling away from me like a fading memory, slowly but enough to notice. Trying to piece together what went wrong, desperately wanting to fix it. I watched the light you brought into my life be pulled away from me as you left, nothing stayed and nothing lasted. I long for the peace I felt whenever you were around, now instead, in it's place, a never ending nausea. It feels like you were brought into my life as another person for me to miss. I don't want anymore life lessons, I just want you. The pain I'm left with isn't all bad, it sits as a reminder that what I felt was real. You were real. I wish you could've felt the way I did. I'll think of you whenever I hear a certain song, go to a certain place or hear a certain phrase and I'll miss you until I can't miss you anymore but for now I don't know when that will be.
"This fucking hurts" he says after ripping out my heart and leaving me alone to pick up the pieces. "Why do we have to have emotions," he complains as he leaves me as if I meant nothing. As if I am in fact nothing at all. "I do care about you," he states but couldn't even have the courage to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth. Tell me anything. He left me completely in the dark, the irony is almost laughable. A man that I believed to have brought so much light into my life has left me in complete darkness, wondering what I did wrong, grasping at straws to try and find the answer and still ending up with nothing. I am dizzy from the amount of times I've gone round in circles. From "you mean the world to me," to "I've lost feelings," in 48hours. I wish I could be as careless as you with other people's feelings, it's impressive how cold you became. I would say you've turned into a different person but you would actually have to face me in person for me to make that judgement, but you're a coward.
You think you know what this feels like, how you've made me feel, but you don't. The sad reality is that you don't know me and honestly I don't know you. I can't say you've "changed" because I don't even think you were honest with me from the start. You didn't even know my birthday. We don't know our favourite colours, songs or foods. So why am I left missing a person I only believed I knew? Maybe I miss the version of you I created in my head, or the version of yourself you let me see. If it's "not that deep" then why does my heart feel heavy every time I think of you? A person that used to be such a sense of comfort has now created this stomach churning anxiety that I cannot shift. I keep thinking I'll wake up and it'll all be nothing but a bad dream. That your message will be waiting for me on my screen, but it never is. Not anymore. I don't know if what I felt for you was love, it was too early to tell, but I think it was something pretty close to that feeling. And for now, I miss you. Or I miss the person I thought you were, the person who I thought understood me, who wanted me to be the best version of myself, who would always have to kiss me one more time before I left. But you didn't kiss me this time, you didn't even see me.
