My Life

Where I've Been to Who I Am

So. I've been to not one, but two psych wards. The first one I went to was a little over a year and a half ago. My dad walked in on me hurting myself when I thought he left for a concert, so it was just me home alone. But he forgot his keys or something and came back inside. He caught me and flipped out, and dragged me down the hall to my stepmom, who kicked him out of the bathroom. I still remember how scared I was that night. They hauled me off to a hospital with a short-term residential program. I was there for two weeks, put on suicide watch and the eating disorder program. That sucked so bad. I learned a lot from that place, but I was lonely and everything was locked up. My room, the bathroom, all of my stuff... I had to ask the 40 year old man at the counter for a tampon every time I needed one. That sucked!

About the second week of me being there, I got a call. My dad had been thrown in jail for supposedly strangling my stepmom. I remember perfectly when I got that call; I was standing behind the counter and my mom just bluntly said it. That my dad was in jail because he strangled Shannon. I dropped the phone and shriveled to the ground, my friend Marcus who was also a patieent there asked me if I was okay, he wanted to help me up but patients weren't allowed to touch. I sobbed. My life was a huge fucking mess at that point and it only seemed to be getting worse.

So after two weeks I talked my way out of there, assuring everyone that I was okay. Which, in a sense I was. I didn't start cutting again until about 6 months ago.

And coincidentally, my dad caught me. Again. I don't know what the fuck was up with my luck, but it just happened. He left and I was in his shop alone and it was just me. I accidentally cut my finger taking apart a razor, and after I was done hurting myself I cleaned everything up... When he got home I didn't notice that my finger started bleeding again and he asked about it. I told him that I cut it on a cupboard but he grabbed my arm and pushed up my sleeve. Literally the first time I hurt myself since I got out of the last place and he caught me.

So he made me pack and I went back to the same hospital. I was there for almost 48 hours, telling everyone that no, I wasn't suicidal and no, I don't need to go back upstairs. I explained that I was just trying to relieve some stress. Buuuuut my dad refused to let it go and they sent me to a residential home called the Parry Center. I was there for almost exactly a month, and it was the hardest thing i've ever had to do. My mom stopped visiting me after a while because she said she was too weak to see me in that place, and Jordan decided that I was going to live with her once I got out. Micky moved in with her once I went to Parry.

I was told I was going to be there for two weeks, tops. But I ended up being there for a month. It sucked really bad, and my room was the size of a closet. Almost every night you'd hear the littler kids next door screaming for help and yelling obscenities. Man, some of those kids knew cuss words that I didn't know until I was 15! These were like 8 year olds!

I got a lot of help there, and now that I look back on it, it was probably one of the best things that couldove happened to me, even though in the moment all I wanted was to gtfo of that looney bin. I made a lot of friends, and I watched people come and go. Man, I got stories from that place.

Like this one night I stayed on the unit with this other girl for dinner because I didn't feel well, and I was sitting in a chair when a two of the guys on the unit came to the door with a staff member. One of them went straight to his room and the other one was UNBELIEVABLY pissed off. Cussing and flipping out so the staff member that was with them started telling the Unit staff what had happened, and the kid that was freaking out was threatening to beat the shit out of the staff member. This kid was a pretty damn tal 15 year old and it looked like he could do some damage. The staff member ignored his tauntings and continued on explaining so that kid basically jumped over my chair and came at him. The staff member got out of the way like 2 seconds befor he slammed his fist into the wall. I was not even 3 feet away from all of this. So me and that girl got ushered into a back room where they locked the doors. That was pretty scary, I played chess with that angry kid like every day.

But after a month I got out! It was like the best day ever. Everyone was at the little school on campus and I was sitting on unit talking to all of my favorite staff members. I got to choose the pandora station. When my dad showed up at the door with all the discharge paperwork and they let him in, it was like instant tears. I ran toward him and he picked me up and swung me around in a circle and he was crying and it was just the best moment ever. Then I walked out the door and away from that place forever. It was crazy.

So those are the two places I've been to. I made a lot of good memories there. There were bad ones too but I chose the good ones to define my expirience.

I survived!