Over a Cup of Coffee

Chapter 6

MABAGAL ang takbo ng oras kapag malungkot ka. Mabilis naman kapag nag-uumapaw ka sa saya. Someone has told me this before at noon ay hindi ko ito alam kung ano ang ibig sabihin nito. Masyadong bata ang isipan ko para maging bukas at intindihin ang ganitong bagay. I didn't give a thought about it, kung gaano kabilis o kabagal. I didn't give a damn about time. Hindi ko rin naisip na maaari palang may magbago sa isang iglap. All I knew was that we were having fun, like a teenager would do.

I had a lot of time having fun with Kaleb and him. Or so I thought because it wasn't until Kaleb died that I realized he was right. I realized how quickly, how little, and how brief the time we had was. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't make up a single second to spend with him. No matter how much I wanted to.

"I guess you're right, Caleb. Since you've been gone, it's been as though time has stood still. Gano'n kabagal, Caleb. Hindi umuusad," sabi ko rito. I paused for a moment and took a deep breath before standing from the neatly trimmed grass in front of his grave.

Tinitigan ko ang lapida na nasa aking harapan ngunit mabilis ko ring iniyuko ang ulo dahil hindi ko kayang tanggapin ang nababasa. Parang tinutusok ng libo-libong karayom ang dibdib ko habang tinatanaw ang pangalan niya roon. 

It shouldn't be there. 

That I would see Kaleb's name carved in that stupid gravestone is something I've never imagined in my life. 

Kahit gaano pa ito katagal, kahit ilang beses ko na itong nakita, wala dapat iyon doon.

Tears began to form on the corners of my eyes, obstructing my vision kaya't inilayo ko ang tingin rito at tumingala sa maulap na langit. Ang mga bagay na tumatakbo sa aking isipan ang dahilan ng pagbadyang tumulo ng mga iyon. 

Hindi ko maiwasang isipin ang buhay na meron siya kung nandito pa si Kaleb. Would he now have a wife? A kid? A family—a happy one—hindi katulad ng mayroon kami. O kung natupad na ang pangarap niyang matapos ang kurso na kinuha kung nandito pa siya.

I wonder if he is still alive, would I be the same kind of woman I turned out to be? Fate has indeed been cruel to him by robbing him of the opportunity to enjoy life. And fate has been so cruel to me, to us, stripping us of our happiness ever since Kaleb crossed that bridge.

It's been five years, yet the pain hasn't gone away. It's like having an open wound that won't heal. People say it will heal in time, but I don't think that time is on its way. Mukhang matagal-tagal pa ang paghihilom na tinutukoy nila. It isn't healing at all and continues to bleed.

Tell me, Kuya, how do I go forward? Will this wound ever heal? How will I be able to get rid of the pain? I may sound stupid, but please give me a sign because it is indeed heavy right now.

Matiim kong tinitigan ang langit na animo'y nananalangin, naghihintay ng sagot niya kahit alam kong imposible. Pero baka lang naman, 'di ba?

Nang walang kahit anong mabuting senyales ay humugot ako ng malalim na buntong-hininga. Is this his response? Ang kumulimlim ang langit?

"The thing is, you have complete control over how you will drive your time. Would you rather drive slowly in agony? Or quickly in bliss? You choose," someone spoke from behind me as I heard footsteps approaching. Nagpanting ang aking mga tainga sa narinig.

Nawala ang mga mata ko sa makakapal na ulap upang harapin ang pinanggalingan ng tinig. Nakatayo ito ilang metro mula sa akin habang ang mga mata ay nasa itaas rin. "It's up to you. Someone just asked me the very same question before."

"What are you doing here?" I asked, annoyed by his presence. Ngunit hindi ito tumugon. Sa halip ay ibinaba nito ang tingin sa palumpon ng bulaklak sa sahig at naglakad papalapit sa direksyon ng kinatatayuan ko.