Ash x Eiji classmates

5. Panick attack

DISCLAIMER:  first part of the chapter will be Eiji being depressed and will also contain SH, i will put a TW before the parts I think are worse and will tell you when you can continue reading if you're sensible to that.
Please read safely and feel free to comment if you wanna talk <3

Eiji's POV

It had now been a week since school had started and I was doing pretty good, I still felt depressed but waking up every morning and having no choice but to get ready and go somewhere was actually helping me set a good routine. My body was slowly getting used to staying awake through the whole day and eating more meals, it felt weird to take care of myself but I could see that Ibe-San was reassured.

It was currently 8:43 am, I had been laying awake in my bed since my first alarm, just  staring at my ceiling, feeling empty, I really didn't want to get up, I picked up my phone trying to change my mind, change my mind from the morning numbness, that moment everyday just before I get stimulated by anything or anyone and when I'm just stuck in my own thoughts.

I looked at my screen and saw a few messages from my mom, I felt happy and yet very sad. I miss her, I miss my sister, I miss my dad, I miss my home. The messages were just her congratulating me for finishing my first school week and telling me she was thinking about me. I felt a hole form in my stomach, I felt so bad, so guilty.

Why did I have to get injured and stop pole-vaulting, if only I was good enough. Why did I have to get so depressed, even my own parents had to get rid of me. I wish I could just be happy and have a normal life and be back home and just go to school like everyone and not feel like this.

As the thoughts continued I could feel tears get out of my eyes, slowly rolling down my cheeks. I wiped them quickly, I needed to get ahold of myself, I couldn't go to school like that. But the tears wouldn't stop. I need something to feel better, right now.

TW: SH (start)

Without another thought I opened my bedside table and grabbed the razor blade that was sitting under a few bandages, taking those in the process. I chose my outfit for the day and rushed to the bathroom.

I turned the shower on, not bothering to actually get inside, instead I took off my shirt and grabbed the blade. As I was sliding it across my upper arm I immediately felt calmer, I kept cutting until I had covered my left bicep with a bunch of cuts, not too deep but just enough for the blood to slide down and cover everything. I quickly washed my mess in the sink and bandaged the new wounds before turning the shower off.

My breathing was now perfectly calm and I could feel a smile sneak across my face. I got dressed in an oversized sweater and some jeans I had brought to the bathroom with me. I could feel the new cuts hurting with every move I made and the old ones were itching all over my arms, I was satisfied.

TW: SH (end)

Time skip

As I walked up to the school gate I just let my gaze go through every faces, unconsciously searching for someone, I hadn't seen that blonde boy since the first day when he and his friend had brought me in the closet and basically attacked me. Even thought I was terrified that day, since then I couldn't help but think about him and I secretly wished to see him again. I was so intrigued by him, Ash. He had told me he was a gang leader, he certainly didn't look like one at first sight, with his slim figure and attractive face, even though he was putting up a menacing front I could tell he was sensible and gentle. I wanted to learn more about him.

Without even thinking about it I had already walked to the gym, my first and only class of the day, sport. Ugh. Last week the coach had told us we would be playing basketball this session, I hated it since I was smaller than most student, despite being 1 year older than everyone. I was a little early so I decided to go chance before anyone, cleverly avoiding anyone seeing my cuts. I got to the changing room and started going through my bag but that's when I realized that with everything that happened this morning I had completely forgotten my long sleeves. 

Oh shit oh fuck, the teacher saw me come in before anyone, it's too late to skip the class now. Ok calm down, CALM THE FUCK DOWN IDIOT. I obviously can't do it in my short sleeves cause everyone will see my cuts, omg I'm such a freak why did I have to do that this morning, fuck if only I could go back in time. What do I do?! WHAT. DO. I. DO.

As I was trying to get ahold of my emotions and pace my breathing, I hadn't noticed that other students had came in and started changing. I got up and quickly walked up to the teacher who was standing by the benches  in the gym. Some students who were already changed started coming closer to us.

-Hi sir, heumm I'm really sorry but I forgot my gym clothes-, I spoke quietly, trying not to attract attention while also bowing to my superior.

-Don't worry about it I have a few spare t-shirts you can borrow, just be sure to have you material for next class. He answered, unbothered.

-Can-can't I just stay in my sweater...? it's just that I'm really cold and I would be more comfortable..

I could feel more people laying their eyes on me.
I don't want people to look at me, not right now.

-I'm sorry but you have to wear sports clothes, those are the rules. You'll get warmer as you play, now go get changed.

His voice had became stricter with the last answer and I could feel small tears forming at the corner of my eyes.

Don't cry! What the hell?! It's okay I just need to find a solution, I could say I got injured and that's why I have bandages, no one knows me they won't care.

I started slowly walking back to the now empty changing room, still thinking about what I could do. That's when I heard the teacher projecting his voice across the gym.

-HEY OKUMURA MOVE YOUR ASS OR EVERYONE IS GONNA BE WAITING FOR YOU!

I turned around only to see every single pair of eyes staring at me, that was too much. Too much. Too much attention, too much stress, I couldn't escape, everyone is gonna see. I'm done for.

Before I had anytime to think about it, i was running to the changing room, everyone probably staring even more than before. I grabbed my bag and sprinted in then gym and out in the hall, I could hear the coach yell something but I ignored it. Instead I kept on running to the nearest bathroom I could find and finally locked myself in a stall, collapsing on the floor, tears streaming all over my face.

Okay breathe now, JUST BREATHE YOU IDIOT YOI KNOW HOW TO DO IT. Oh no I feel like I'm gonna die, I can't breath, I'm so dizzy, do they not put oxygen in those stupid bathroom, I'm gonna die here, on the bathroom floor. Or worse I won't die and they'll expel me in front of everyone. OMG STOP THINKING JUST BREATHE. Inhale 1.2.3.4. Hold 1.2.3.4. Exhale 1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.
Again.

At that point I have no idea if I was still just thinking or full on speaking aloud but I just remember finally being able to catch my breath before someone came into the bathroom and at that moment I just started panicking even more and then I blacked out.

AN: so at first I was planning on putting the next POV (which is someone coming to help Eiji) in this chapter but I noticed it was getting really long already so I decided to put it in the next chapter. But please tell me if you prefer longer or shorter chapters so I can adapt.

This chapter had a lot of descriptions I'm sorry if it was boring but I liked writing it :)

I'll post the next one soon luv yall <3