1000 ways to bleed

Part 1 : The Rubble Chapter 7

You can't have happiness without some sort of love. A lot of people, I think, look for happiness in other things and while it may bring you temporary pleasure. I don't think it can really replace true companionship. I mean from personal experience escapism works pretty well. It only lasts for as long as you stay in your escape.

It's been about a month and a half since I found out about my family's jobs and it's been great. It's been beyond great. It's been better than anything I could've ever dreamed of. Jace and Melian come over regularly and we all hang out together. Surprisingly, they get along with my family extremely well. Both Jace and Dolos had the same affinity for chaos and small pranks. Melian and Valerie share an interest in classical literature, which is really good because I was tired of Valerie talking about Greek mythology. I love her but I don't really need to know that Zeus married his sister thanks. The positivity my world has been drenched in lately makes me wonder if this is what life really is. If I'm finally living and not just surviving. Despite the happy nature of my life lately I woke up today feeling none of it.

When I looked into the mirror this morning I saw a girl. It feels so wrong. I stand there looking at myself now with the binder on and I can still only see a girl. It's one of those days where the doubt creeps into my mind. One of the bad days. I don't recognize myself. I don't look like that. Why is that my body, it's the wrong one. I stand there trying again and again to look like me. To look like a man. Nothing is working. I'm never going to be a man. Why does that hurt me so much. I'm verging on tears now. I just want to leave my body entirely. I want a whole new flesh sack please. I push my tears down quickly, grabbing a hoodie two sizes too big for me.

Why do I feel so bad? Everything is good right now. My suffering seems so selfish. I have what I wanted. Why am I not happy? I glance at the clock, the time reads one something pm. I stayed up far too late watching Mean Girls with Dolos last night. He was right, it's a great movie. I woke up two hours ago and had spent all of it trying to feel and look right. Crying about how I appear like a vain idiot. My room is still dark thanks to the curtains. Maybe if I let some light in it will help my mood. My feet make their way to the window. The soft carpet is such a gift from god. Grabbing the curtains like they killed my brother and it's personal, I tare them open. The sudden light makes me squint. My eyes adjust to see, the light has made my room feel empty in a way. The lack of movement is erry. My eyes flick to my mirror on the other end of the room. I still look so wrong. If I can't fix the issue I'll distract myself.

I walk with a purpose which slowly fades the further I get. I'm headed to the kitchen. With each step my thoughts consume me. Why can't my gender just stay one thing? It's so hard on days like this. If I fully transitioned it would be hard on fem days. Why can't my brain just pick? Shape shifting would be a god send. I just want to disappear. What if I'm faking this, over reacting to all of it. God why is my own head hurting me.

The familiar sight of the kitchen is so helpful. So is seeing Mark. He can help but I still just want to hide in a shell. I haven't made any progress with opening up to my family. Even the things that should be easy are still so hard. I pull my hood up sitting down next to Dolos. Weirdly, Dolos is reading something. I haven't opened up fully yet. I'm still not safe here. Maybe the dysphoria was a good thing? At least I'm not reveling in false happiness any more.

"Hey kiddo, oh... what's wrong.'' Dad notices instantly that I'm not doing well probably because of the tear tracks left over from earlier. If anyone can help with my dysphoria it's him. Yet the kindness hurts with the knowledge that I have been hiding most of myself still. I've been ignoring it too. My eyes drift to the left finding a photo hung on the wall there. This photo is the only one with me in it. I didn't know it was there till now. I wonder how I missed it. The frame holds an image with me and Dolos in it. I'm asleep in my bed with Dolos' lanky frame trying to hold me. His cuddle efforts are stopped by his guitar on his lap. He's sleeping too. I realize it's probably that night I snuck in and he sang me to sleep. Kinda creepy that Mark took a photo of us while we were sleeping but somehow it makes me feel loved. The tears are resurfacing.