Welcome to L.A. [EN]

Chapter 21 : Exposed.

They have appointments with their therapist once a week.

Things between them are not getting worse, but they are not really getting better either. They're stagnant.

Buck doesn't really know why, but Eddie insists that he spend the rest of the day at his house after each session. It's become something of a habit. They watch a movie with Christopher before going to bed. Eddie holds him, and he's often handsy, but Buck just closes his eyes, pretending to be tired, and Eddie immediately stops. He wants to, but he can't help but imagine Eddie's hands roaming over someone else's body and he's so sad that he doesn't feel the slightest bit of excitement. He doesn't feel as comfortable with his body as he used to, he knows he's not as fit, not as muscular, as he was before the surgery. And he thinks that if Eddie wanted to go elsewhere, it is perhaps also because he does not find him as attractive as before. So he doesn't want to show himself to him, not until he has regained some muscle mass, at least.

After that, he waits until Eddie is sound asleep to quietly leave the bed and go back to the living room, where he spends the rest of the night on the couch, dozing off, because he doesn't want to risk having another nightmare and attacking Eddie again.

Other than that, they don't really see each other.

They text each other, they even call each other a few times, sometimes Eddie puts Christopher on the phone, but it never lasts very long.

Buck wishes he could make things normal. To know how to do all those things that all the other couples do, instead of dragging Eddie to the shrink with him.

A shrink he hates, on top of that.

And okay, generally speaking, nobody likes their shrink.

But this is different.

Dr. Smith hits the nail on the head, she insists when he just wants to change the subject. She uses words, a tone, that makes him uncomfortable. The only reason he hasn't run out the door yet is Eddie.

He tries to remind himself that he's doing all this for him, because Eddie deserves someone who is willing to fight for him, to save their relationship.

He tries.

But it's not enough.

He doesn't know what's wrong with him, but it's not enough.

And as he looks Dr. Smith straight in the eye, he can feel a threatening anger rumbling in his chest. He's been holding it prisoner for a long, long time, but Dr. Smith wakes it up with all thoses questions that he doesn't want to answer.

This time, he can't stifle it. It's too late, it wants to come forward, and there's nothing he can do to stop it.

"I was more or less raised by my sister."

That's Buck's answer to Dr. Smith's question of "what was your parental role model?".

They've been at it for half an hour and Buck is really starting to get impatient.

He doesn't understand why Dr. Smith is harping on this topic.

"What about your parents?" She asks.

Buck takes a slight breath, nervously rubbing the palm of his hand against his jeans before answering;

"My mom died when we were young."

"What about your father?" She insists.

Buck doesn't understand why or how they got to this point. He doesn't know why or when this fucking conversation took a turn for the worse. They're supposed to be talking about their relationship problems. They're supposed to be talking about him and Eddie. Nothing else. So why bring it up? There's no fucking point.