Raising Ben

Chapter 1

I can't help but to easily express that I remember it all, every moment from the time I wake to the time I maybe get lucky and fall asleep. Every step throughout the memories, his soft curls against my jaw line, Snoke's voice, the first anxious connection we made through the force. All of it. But I also can't help to remember the nightmares of parenting such a pained child. The feeling of waking up every day just internally wailing out to give me his pain, the agony he felt, and now? Now I see my son for whom he is, or well became and I can only replay the good in my own head as I try to bring him home.

" His name is Ben." My voice spewed out as it strictly broke the murmurs of the pilots around the small table like surface covered in ship based blueprints as they discussed the usual politics of today's news- Kylo Ren this, or The First Order that- like news.
"So uhm- right, Ben..." Poe's voice cracked out with the slight touch of pain only trained ears could pick up.

The truth is, this pain in Poe's own voice crack wasn't out of humiliation, but out of a guilt-like presence for the turn of Ben Solo, or in other terms his brother-like figure and childhood best friend. Ah, the hum of such a thought, so pleasant while the chaos of the younger generations continued to perform in front of my very essence. The hum that keeps it all seeming like what we do is only right. Where was I again? Oh right, Poe and Ben... friends. Well more like brothers...

"How do we know there is a compressor on this ship though, General?"
A break of concentration- more like hopeful fulfillments of potential cheer from the slight glance of past within my own thoughts- struck my ears with the tone familiar to Snap. "Poe said the blueprints he has acquired show a clear image of a compressor in the engine main haul." I elaborated with precise lip shapes and confidence.

-Confidence... The very essence I at times lacked. Especially as a parent. Yep, as a parent.

"We just need to think of the best way to get to this so we can disengage their systems so we can stop them in their tracks before the next system takes a hit."
"Poe, we will but you need to-"

It was then when the soft, yet lecture-like tone of a familiar female caused us all to pause and lightly turn; at least our heads in the direction. There stood the familiar soft skin brunette Padawan, closed saber in her dominant hand and she towered with quite the expression upon her face. The expression could have nearly been mistaken as fear, but knowing the individual as I do, I can nearly give the affirmation that she's questioning something deeply.
"Rey, what might be clouding your mind?"

The brunette only adjusted her position enough to meet my chocolate eyes with her own and she began to break the momentary silence with her thick words.
"Why do you correct us to call Kylo Ren,Ben?"

And there was the question. It wasn't daunting nor was it a screech to the eardrum, but nonetheless, it was a matter to be discussed with new faces to come. In a galaxy this wide, it was no secret who I, Leia Organa-Solo, was. A Rebel, General, Senator, a wife or even a mother, and above all; the daughter of Darth Vader. But when one heard I was a mother, the questions never came about to whom, or to where my child or children may even be in those moments. It was as if everybody knew from system to system, that this Leia Organa-Solo, was the very reason for Kylo Ren. Or so it felt anyway. With a slight jolt back to reality in time, I catch myself only returning the gaze to Rey and with a light sigh to establish the change in atmosphere, my words begin to escape into her direction.
"Ben still means something to me, it's hope, it's a chance... It's my child."

A part of me for some reason I believe was waiting to see some shock hit Rey's face, but in this case she only seemed to grow more curious. Her brow nearly dipped up as her head did a light tilt to her left, telling me she only wanted to hear more.
"Kaydel" My voice spoke out in a distinct softness.
"Yes, General?" The blonde lieutenant responded rather breathlessly.
"I'm taking Rey to my General's quarters, please-"

It was then Rey's thick accent once more filled the room of many faces and conversations beyond where I stand. "Can Finn come too? I feel like he should know this too, considering he was a stormtrooper that is."
I could only look at the girl as I processed her words and to give her a light nod of approval, in which in her most Rey-like way, received a soft spoken apology.
"Rey, there is no need to apologize. Finn is welcome to come and self-educate as well, just as long as we save the questions for the end?" I teasingly remarked knowing the questions could occur at any point in this embarking experience.

With that, the young female followed behind with her male best friend in tow by her footsteps alone. As we walked through the halls and corridors that were familiar down to the sensation of touch alone, my internal thoughts of anxiety ridden judgement played out.
'What if they think I'm a terrible parent? Wouldn't that make them doubt my skills as a general? What about how weak I truly am in private... how will they take this? Will they think of me as too sensitive?'
"Leia?" Rey's voice echoed into my thoughts to break them in their path. "We are at your private quarters."

I could only nod, releasing the fact that I shouldn't have been so worked up and worried about the fact of the truth like this internally. As soon as the automatic code pad clicked green, I led the younger pair of friends into the simplicity of a white room. The middle sat a favored small plant I have been acquainted with since before Ben's arrival.
"Ben has said many things of himself before, but who exactly is he to you, General?"
As I sat across the two in the leather styled, white upholstered couches that had been gifted to me in during the Resistance's early days by a senator from Naboo, my voice calmly bellowed out. "You mean besides my son?" I clarified.

Rey could only nod, but it was the voice of the male that filled the air. "Why stormtroopers? Why this?"

Really a good question was why as a general. With a sigh and a deep look to the two I could only reply while my heart sank deep into the pit of what felt like my empty stomach. "Before we get there or anywhere, I need to be very clear about a few things." I began. "Number one, Ben is my son. No matter what he has done or chooses to do, he is still my flesh and blood, and nobody, not even Snoke can take that away from me." I could then just feel my body lightly shake as I released the air I had been holding inside. "Secondly, Ben will never be the real enemy. Snoke is the real enemy."

I allowed the room to sit silently for a moment so the two before myself could process my words of clarification. I then took a breath once more and continued, as the room continued to sit quiet. "Endor." I began with a light, yet crisp like tone. "Endor was a system known for its nine moons and gas-like core. But there is more than that. It was a place of victory, triumph, even a turn around for us. A sign of hope really!" I exasperated in a single gulp. "Endor.... The place of my memory was more than just tiny jungle creatures and parsecs of trees. This was where Han and I promised eternity, and the very place my life of war grew purpose. Ben happened on Endor."

It was then the sound of gasp filled words interrupted my own soft conversation; "Han, like Han Solo? The Han Solo we just basically met?!"
The look on my face I'm sure was very unimpressed, but not at the question itself, the interruption more of. Actually, more of the topic.
Such a complex topic to have probably begun on, which of course is a fault of my own. Han Solo- well besides being the man I fell deeply in love with, got pregnant by only later to separate from, who exactly was he? Complicated. Let's go with that. "Yes." I simply let go. I didn't exactly want to be so plain with the basic three events to my quarter's guests over such a complicated man like Han. But I also sat very aware that I was going to have to share whether I liked it or not.

"Wait but how? He was a smuggler!"
"Finn, no he was the war hero!"
"Smuggler, Rey!"
"Both, actually." I proceeded to interrupt their minor banter with. I then released yet another sigh. "He was a smuggler first. Until he attempted to rescue me from the Empire some years ago. After that, he couldn't keep his eyes off me and so he joined the cause and helped with many, impressive victories that eventually led to the end of the Empire's rule over the galaxy." I quickly explained. "The day Ben was born was the day that the Empire signed the galactic concordance to end the war." I couldn't help but give a small smirk at the thought. "I was supposed to be there at the signing too." I couldn't help but scoff out.
Finn could only give a brief look of unsure displeasure considering but Rey seemed enlightened to the chaotic beginning I could only continue to build on from here.

"Babies are really on their own schedule, at least Ben was. But that is besides the point, the point is, I was going to raise a Senator. A prince. Or so I thought."
"What is that supposed to mean exactly?" Questioned the female's tone of voice as she spoke.
I could only sigh at first. I mean how do I explain the tangle of words that I have already started with? "How about I begin with a proper beginning and I walk you through to what I mean?"