The little pains.

2/1/2022 11:22pm

I'm tired. 

Genuinely tired. 

I can't handle a million different voices at once anymore. 

A million different personalities and thoughts and desires and emotions. 

All of it boils down to either pure sadness or anger. Two emotions that I hate the most out of all. 

Sadness makes me feel weak while anger makes me feel like my shitty dad. 

Nothing helps anymore. 

A constant feeling of their sadness, anger or numbness.

More often its numbness. I hate that, too. I feel lost in this dark void, the only thing I can hear is my own thoughts but they're not mine because I have a million different things running through my head at once. 

"She's so perfect." 

"You're gonna fuck up." 

"You're gonna lose her." 

"You're gonna get tired of her." 

"Of course, you chose the one person you can't have." 

Most to all of my thoughts are usually negative, mostly because every time I've tried to be positive, I've gotten hurt. 

I feel these emotions build up inside of me, but I can't let them out until I reach a breaking point; usually I can hold it in for long amounts of time but lately I've been breaking down, Panicking, hyperventilating, and crying my eyes out over the littlest things. I've gone soft once again; I'm not made to be soft. I'm made to not love, to not care, to not be bothered when I randomly block someone for no good reason other than the fact that my family wants me to. 

"Oh, we just want what's best for you." 

Bullshit.

If you wanted what's best for me then you'd pay attention to what really hurts me. My family simply only wants what will benefit them, my mom wants to be able to brag that I have perfect grades and that I'm the perfect daughter while my dad wants to brag about the fact that I bow to him as if he's a fucking god while also having the ability to be just as of not more violent than him.

Honestly.

I say that my mind is blank, empty while a million things blur into one. 

I don't know what to do.

I'm done.

I'm ready to give up. 

I can't do it anymore. 

I don't want to die; I just want to get away from it all. 

I want to escape. 

I want to live peacefully with who I really love, who I care about who I want but I can't... 

It's a constant stinging pain at my heart. 

I'm going to give up... I think.

I don't know. 

I don't want to be here anymore. 

I don't want to be here with this freakishly stupid family of mine, I don't want to be drowning in a constant numbness, I don't want to be violent and mean... but I can't have what I do want I'm stuck with what I don't.

If I continue on, I'll just repeat myself so... done for now. 

11:41pm