Grace (BWWM)

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Our honeymoon in our home is now over, and we are back to our normal schedules. It's our second day since it ended and I had to work overnight, so I haven't been able to see Joe since he dropped me off.

"This is hard."

It hasn't even been an entire day since I've seen him, but I'm missing him terribly. I feel like I would rather stay with him at home than go to work.

I clock out of my shift, tired. It's not just that I'm tired from the ten hours of work, but I also found myself not enjoying it. A job is a job, and I am grateful for it, but spending a week and a half with Joe made me yearn even more for that other desire of mine. I sigh before heading to the parking lot. It's nice that he's supporting my dream, but having worked for a good portion of my life, it almost feels like a desire I shouldn't follow. But Lord knows that I want to.

I dwell on that as I continue. Outside, I pull up the hood of my jacket, feeling the wind as it zooms past. It's now late November and Minnesota has been preparing for winter since the fall.

"Like usual," I murmur. A few coworkers rush past and we greet one another. I'll be back here again tomorrow. The thought settles like a stone, sinking down somewhere within me. My steps slow until I come to a complete stop just a few feet from my car.

I don't want to be here.

I blink with the thought, wanting to immediately chastise myself, but I can't bring myself to. It's true-I don't want to be here. I want to take care of my family and be at home with them. I want to raise up a new generation and teach them about Christ. I want to welcome Joe when he comes home from work and make our home inviting. I want to be there for my own family in a way that I can't completely do now. I want this much more than I want this job, and I have a husband who is encouraging me to go in this direction.

So why am I struggling with taking the next step? Why am I still here?

It's not an issue of finances; the Lord knows that Nova and Ty are set. Aside from the scholarships, Lance and I had made a bank account and set things up for them before I was even pregnant. Even after he passed, I continued setting aside money in that account. Money isn't an issue, and that is a blessing. What would have been the largest worry has already been taken care of. What am I waiting on?

I frown, recalling that I'm still thinking as if I'm on my own, but now Joe is here to support me as well. I struggle with the idea of relying on him as a provider, financially speaking, but he's made it clear that he doesn't have any problems with providing.

I suppose, at the end of the day, it's just my mindset that I need to fix. Joe is surely helping me realize that I'm not on my own anymore and I don't have to operate as if I am.

As I stand outside in the cold, this realization dawns on me in a way it never has before. I smile as joy goes through me. I'm not on my own. I knew this before, but it's hitting me differently now. The Lord has blessed me with a man who is more than willing to walk with me on this journey, and he's willing to support me with this desire of mine. I look back at the hospital and smile, ready to finally quit. It's been a good run, but it's time for something new.

I turn back and make the last few steps to my car, hopping in feeling much better than when I came in to work. But while I'm driving home, I chide myself. I've never truly been on my own; the Lord has been with me every step of the way, guiding me and protecting me. It's just that there were times I felt that way because I couldn't see Him, but I thank God that reality is not dependent on feelings. The Lord has always been with me, and He has never left me, nor forsaken me.

My smile only gets wider as that joy just continues coursing through me. Although there's been downs in this life, I still thank God. Even though there have been hardships, I still believe He is good. It's in those tough times that our faith, and love, really gets tested. In those moments, we become refined like a metal, having the chance to come out better than when we went in. I thank God that I came out still looking to Him.