Beautiful Casualty

Chapter Three

Two Weeks Later

Tammy never came back, and ever since then everything had turned into a daze. I knew that Tammy had probably ran away from this house--most like for the same reason I ran away from my so-called 'family'; things were fucked up. And I didn't blame her for that, I had been there only two weeks and I already felt suffocated. Ray was the only thing that kept me there. He made me feel like I was wanted, which was the first time in a long time.

That day, the first time I tried cocaine, I discovered that it made me forget about my problems. It made me feel like I was somewhere else, somewhere better, somewhere... powerful, even if it was just for a little bit. I eventually became addicted to it. Every day, every night, Ray would cut a few lines and we'd each snort some. Without cocaine, it was harder for me to function.

I walked into the bathroom and started the water, making sure it wasn't too hot or too cold. Just right. I stripped myself of my clothes, leaving them on the tile floor, and stepped into the tub, one foot after the other. I sat down and hugged my knees as the water from the showerhead flowed down my back. Since I'd been in that house, depression had swallowed me, holding me captive and not letting me do anything. The only thing that helped me was getting high. I shut my eyes and leaned my head back, letting the water hit my face.

The door unexpectedly swinging open almost made me jump out of my skin. "Hey. I'm in here," I announced, not looking to see who it was. When I did turned my head, I found Ray standing there and I relaxed. I didn't mind him seeing me naked, since we were kind of a thing.

"Tessie," Ray said my name. I hated when he called me that. The only other person that ever did my Tiffany and I didn't want to think about her. "Dave wants to see you."

"Tell him I'll be out in a minute," I replied. He started walking back out of the room, shutting the door behind him. I took a deep breath and didn't release it for a couple of seconds. I put my hands on the edges of the tub and pushed myself up. I dried myself off and put my first change of clothes in three days on. It made me feel clean, even if all I did was sit in the water.

I walked over to the bathroom door and put my hand on the handle. I took a deep breath when I saw the bruise on my arm, which was a result of Dave hitting me. That was all he wanted to do when he saw me. He'd either hit me or do something even worse.

I opened the door and stepped into the hallway. I walked down it to the living room where I found Dave sitting on the couch, smoking from a pipe, but I couldn't tell what type of pipe it was from this distance, it was most likely meth, though, that was his drug. He turned his head and gave me a small smirk when he saw me. He gave the pipe to a man sitting next to him and stood up, walking towards me. Right before he passed me, he grabbed my arm tightly without stopping and pulled me down the hall into his room.

He pushed me onto his bed and slammed the door shut, locking it. I slowly started to hyperventilate. "Tell me where the fuck she it down, you little bitch!" He yelled, referring to Tammy. Ever since Tammy left, he'd been harassing me, trying to get where she left to out of me. For some reason, he still believe I was a narc and had all the answers, but I didn't.

"I-I don't know, Dave," I said, my voice shaky. His hand met my face... hard, making me fall back onto the bed.

"Cut the bullshit, bitch, ya know I don't like bein' lied to! Tell me where the fuck she is!"

"I don't know, Dave, she didn't tell me anything! She just left!" I was crying my eyes out at this point, not just because of the pain, but also because I knew what was coming next. I heard him unbuckling his belt and I struggled to escape.

"Where do ya think you're goin', huh?" He slapped me on the back with his belt, causing me to fall on the ground, screaming in pain. He grabbed me, turned me around and got on top of me.

"No, please, no..." I could barely get the words out. I tried to push him off of me, but he was too strong. And with the house full of people, I cried for help, but no one dared to fuck with Dave. I kept screaming, telling him to get off of me, but he just kept slapping me and telling me to shut up until I finally did.

And when it was all over--though it felt like it would never be--he left me there on his floor, crying.

When he left the room, I stood up and pulled up my pants. I slowly stumbled into the hallway and into Ray's room.. I fell on my stomach onto the the bed. I was still crying and I stayed there like that for a few minutes then stood up.

With my back still stinging from the belt, I walked to the bathroom and locked the door. I opened the mirror and searched around for something--anything--to take the pain away. I grabbed a bottle of painkillers and took out a couple. I popped them into my mouth, swallowing them down dry. I let out a breath and stared at myself in the mirror for a second. My face was red from both the slapping and the crying and my hair was a mess from him pulling it.

It wasn't the first time he'd raped me, or any other girl for that matter. He called all the girls into that room and screw them all, but I'm pretty sure the other girls just accepted it. I never heard any of them screaming. I knew I should've just accepted it, but I just couldn't for some reason.

I, then, reached for the drawer below the sink and opened it. I moved a few things around until I found exactly what I was looking for. A blade.

I picked it up and stared at it in my hand for a minute. I placed the blade between my left forefinger and thumb. At first, I wasn't sure if I wanted to do it. The last time I did was when I was twelve and I wanted Tiffany's attention. But eventually, I brought it to my wrist and started to draw four little, deep lines. The blood took a second to surface, then it dripped from my wrist into the dirty sink.

I stood there, watching it for a minute. There was something about it that calmed me. Then, I turned on the warm water and placed my wrist under it. When my wrist was clean, I searched through the drawer and found some bandages. I wrapped some around my wrist and headed back to the bedroom.

"Hey," Ray said. "You okay?" I nodded. I wasn't sure if he knew what Dave had done to me, but something told me he did, but I didn't want to believe that. I wanted to believe that if he did, he'd protect me, even if, deep down, I knew it wasn't true. "What happened to your wrist?" He pointed to the bandage.

"Nothing, I just hit it really hard, that's all," I lied, sitting down next to him.

"Want some?" He motioned towards the lines of cocaine he'd just cut. I smiled and nodded. He handed me the dollar bill and I snorted the coke just like I had before. Then, kissed him.