The first thing I thought about when I woke up the next morning was the baby--something didn't feel right. I put my hand on my stomach and winced. "Jake," I said, tapping him. He moved a little, but didn't wake up. "Jake, wake up, I think something's wrong with the baby." He turned to look at me and set up. The pain my stomach sharpened.
"What? What d'you mean something's wrong with the baby?" His voice was still tired and he looked like he could fall asleep any minute.
"I think I need to go to the hospital," I looked over at him. I could tell by how fast he got out of bed that he was worried--probably more worried than I was.
On our way to the hospital, a million thoughts started to run through my head. What if the baby was dying? What if it's already dead? What if it was coming? I didn't know which one I'd be more ready for. If the baby died, I'd have to live with that for the rest of my life--killing a baby. But if it hadn't and this was it's birthday, then I'd have a baby to take care of when I couldn't even take care of myself. I wasn't even sure if I could put it up for adoption--what if I saw it's face and fell in love?
I kind of hoped it was dying. If it wasn't, then it'd probably be all drugged out and shit and probably eventually die anyway. I'd rather it die before I even met it.
As we pulled into the parking spot, Jake said, "Hold on, you stay here. I'm gonna go find a wheelchair.
"No, Jake, I'm fi--" I tried to stop him, but before I could even finish my sentence, he was gone. I looked down at my belly then close my eyes. The pain in my stomach was getting worse. Then, I felt some kind of liquid between my legs. I reached my hand down then brought it back up. My heart started beating faster and I felt nauseous when I found that there was blood on my hand. My eyes filled with tears and I looked in the rearview mirror to see if I could spot Jake. He was running to the car pushing a wheelchair in front of him. He walked over to my door and opened it for me. I looked up at him and I saw that he was staring at my hand.
"I-I don't think that's good." He stuttered. I shook my head and pulled myself out of the car and onto the chair. He rolled my to the front door and to the main desk where he explained the situation for me.
A nurse rushed be to one of the emergency rooms.
-
Turned out I got my wish, the baby was dead. They tried to keep me in the hospital for a couple more days so I could rest and heal from the c-section. But I needed a fix and I knew Jake knew where to get it. "Babe," I said weakly. He looked up at me. "I need to get out of here." He nodded. He knew exactly what I meant and he needed it too.
He took a deep breath and went to the door to make sure the ghost was clear. When it was, he helped me stand up and we snuck our way to the elevators. Then, we rushed outside to his car.
Jake knew exactly where he was going and, by how fast he was driving, it was obvious that he wanted to get there as soon as possible. And I did too. The only thing going through my mind at that time was the high I would get. Hopefully, it'd be a good one.
As we pulled into the driveway, we both looked at each other. Jake tried a smiled, but I couldn't return it. "Let's do this," I said, knowing I'd regret it later.
Jake knocked on the door and after a couple of seconds, it opened, a tall, black man appearing. "Jake, my man!" The man said, with a little bit of a laugh. They did that handshake that guys do that ended with a kind of hug. Then, he looked at me and said, "This your ol' woman?"
Jake hesitated for a minute then said, "Yeah."
"Wassup, I'm Darnell," he held out his hand for me to take.
"Tess," I said a little quietly, shaking it hand. I was still in pain.
Darnell invited us inside and we walked through a house full of people, then down a hall and into an empty bedroom. He closed the door behind us and walked to the nightstand that sat beside his bed. Jae followed him, but I stayed standing by the door.
"Aight, you want the usual?" Darnell asked Jake and he nodded. "Aight, you doin' it here or you takin' it?" Jake looked over at me quickly then looked back at Darnell.
"Here," Jake said, then looked over at me again. He motioned for me to come sit by him. So, I slowly walked over.
Darnell pulled out a small baggy. He tossed it over to Jake, who handed him a bill. Then, Darnell walked out the room, but not before warning us that if we stole any of his shit, we'd pay.
Jake scooted over to the nightstand and picked up a needle. He did the same thing Jesse had done before--he put the heroine on the spoon, wet it, heated it, then filled the needle. He did that twice with two needles. Then, he opened the nightstand and pulled out a big, thick rubber band.
He turned to me with a smile on his face, but I could tell it was jake. "You first?" He said and I nodded. "Alright." He grabbed the rubber band and wrapped it tightly around my arm and slapped me a couple of times--just as Jesse did. The handed me the needle and winked at me. I took it from him and he started wrapping another rubber band around himself.
"I'll be right back, I gotta take a piss," I said, kissing Jake on the cheek. He barely acknowledged me as he slightly nodded his head. I tumbled to the hallway, the needle still in my hand and rubber band still around my arm, and headed in the direction I thought the bathroom was in. Lucky for me, the bathroom wasn't occupied, which really wasn't a good thing.
I sat the needle on the sink and looked at myself in the mirror and shook my head in disapproval. I was sweaty and dirty. Why do you keep doing this? Promising you're gonna get clean, but relapse anyway without even trying to stop yourself? You're pathetic! A fuck up! You deserve to die. Tears filled my eyes. I hated myself for what I put everyone through. Lily, Marc, Abby, Jake--shit, even Ray. I couldn't take it anymore. The promises, the relapses, the fuck ups. This was the last time I was ever going to let anyone down. The last time, Tess. the very last time. And I meant it.
I looked down to see a disposable razor sitting on the sink. I grabbed it and started breaking it apart. I was desperate. When I finally got all the blades out, I sat them on the sink in a perfect line next to the needle and stared at them. I pinched my lips together. The tears fell down my face and landed on the middle blade. It was that one. That one would be the one I took my last breath with. For good. I grabbed it and looked behind me at the bathtub and plugged it. I started the water and grabbed the needle and blade and stepped inside the tub. I relaxed for a minute, then grabbed the needle.
I slapped my inner elbow a couple times, then held my breath and I stuck the needle into my vein, releasing it as I injected the drug. I sat the needle down then grabbed the blade. I looked at my wrist and at all the other cuts and scars I had made. A few more wouldn't hurt. I ran the blade across my skin and watched the blood seep out. Then again. And again. And again. I made sure each cut was deep--they would have to be to finally kill me.
I knew that this was what I wanted now. I knew that my life wouldn't go anywhere if I stayed alive. I'd be doing the same thing over and over again for the rest of my life. Never getting better. Never recovering. It was only continue to get worse until, eventually, it killed me.
I dropped the bloody blade outside the tub and laid my head back, closing my eyes for the very last time.
YOU ARE READING
Beautiful Casualty
Kısa Hikaye[COMPLETED] [SECOND DRAFT] [UNEDITED] "We all get addicted to something that takes the pain away." With an abusive prostitute as a mother and an alcoholic as a father, Tess decides she's finally had enough. She packs her bags and heads out...
