The Rules to Redemption

Chapter 52: Trackstar

Hey, still here existing.

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I think that the worst part of this whole situation is that I left the Mafia car at the carnival and now I am walking to the shops.
A person that looks like me doesn't walk. I am driven.
And the fact that I'm on the sidewalks with these peasants is hurting my ego.

I've been staying in Marcello's place for months now though I try not to actually...be there. I'm always out, I walk a lot, discover new places; in fact I found this canal that has become one of my favourite spots to watch the sunset, alone. I like watching it alone because I don't have to divert my attention between the view and another person. I can be consumed by its beauty entirely and I won't feel guilty about it.

I think that the reason I have been going out so frequently is so I don't have the time to think. I don't want to understand my brothers betrayal because the biggest part of me wants to believe that I could comprehend the reason behind what he did but I don't feel that I can.
I don't understand how if a son can kill his father, what stops him from hurting me, from hurting himself?
There's also another part of me that wonders if my mother knows something and I'm not sure if I want the answer to that.

Our human instinct is to look down on people, we tend to draw our perceptions on a person based on whom they surround themselves with but what if someone were to look at me as the girl who's brother killed his father and who's mother covered it up.
Life often reminds you that you are no better than the person below you. We are all the same, carved of clay and as fucked up as each other. Some of us are just lucky enough to survive a life of hiding it.

My arms fold, pulling my zipped down hoodie tighter against my chest because midday was getting colder, my eyes squinted as I hurried, my head down a little trying to survive the wind that was attacking me.
I liked the breeze sometimes and other times, I hated it. Regardless, a car would be nice.
I wasn't sure what I wanted my next step to be, I couldn't stay at Marcello's forever. I had pondered on the thought of going back to New York and I've even considered going back to Malachai yet the choice that needed to be made always seems to revolve around the same thing.
Whatever I chose, I'd be alone and as content as I am with being and introvert, I don't think that I am truly ready to be lonely.

Being a paranoid person, I often feel as though I am being watched or followed or acknowledged. I tend to think that people take a second out of their day to reign my presence so I've become quite used to brushing off the feeling when it appears.
Though paranoia felt a little more real today and I knew it. I mean I'm not stupid or oblivious so i knew it would be a matter of time before Damien would get tired of my shit and show up out of no where but I was sort of curious as to how he would approach this.
After all, he has as much pride as I do.

I stopped in my tracks, not turning around to look anywhere, I was just standing on the sidewalk, arms crossed to conceal warmth with the slight hope that he existed near me, even if I can't admit that.
I stood for an odd amount of time that the paranoia began to feel as though it was in my head. I was just hyper aware of something that I needed to be true. This wasn't all Damien's fault and now that I don't have Malachai, I fucking need Damien but I don't have the smallest idea on how I would ever trust him again.

A shadow creeps over me, not a persons shadow. It was far more large and square than that. I don't turn my head though my eyes do roll to the side to get a glimpse of what I needed to see. I relax when I recognise the car, the black jeep with blacked out windows, isn't that illegal? Oh right, his whole existence is pretty much illegal.
The drivers door opens and Gargamel steps out though apparently his name is Armando.
"Hey bro, you missed working with me that much? It's ok, just between us you can admit that I was the better boss than Damien."