Anshi: The Lost Eagle of the Steppes

Disappointment

     The next morning, Anshi arrived at the Bungalow and asked if he could have some time alone with Xiao Mian. Lan Zhan and Wei Ying looked worriedly at one another. The relationship between their adopted daughter and their adopted brother had been a complex one ever since he had become a member of their large and ever-growing family. She had developed a huge crush on the lost and tormented former slave, but he had never given her false hope or at least had never indicated more than filling the role of elder brother for their only daughter. It was obvious that Anshi had decided to speak frankly with her about his feelings and from his seriousness that day, they knew that they would have a very emotional teen on their hands later that night. The stress on Anshi's face made them sad. The younger man cared deeply for the girl, but they were not the feelings that Xiao Mian had been wishing for.

     Wei Ying and Lan Zhan stepped outside before Anshi entered, and Wei Ying addressed him as he stood there calmly, but ready to have this talk with the fifteen-year-old. He was going to be leaving Gusu and Yunmeng very soon, and this was one subject that needed an ending before he left.

     "Anshi, please be as gentle as possible. This is going to hurt her badly."

     Lan Zhan interjected, "Wei Ying, he must do this. We have tried all we can. She refuses to realize this is not a match that can succeed. Anshi has been honest. She will not listen to anything but her heart. This is no longer an acceptable situation for you, Anshi. Your patience with her has been extraordinary. We appreciate it."
    
    " Thank you. I have tried to not hurt her. After Mian Mian was murdered, I also tried to see if my feelings could grow into those of a future husband. But I am not able to return them in the way she would like. I cannot contemplate a relationship like that with anyone. There are too many empty holes in my past that need filling, no matter the answers. I do not want her holding on to some fantasy that cannot be."

       Wei, silver eyes were bright with unshed tears. "We know the pain you are also going through. This is the only way. I know this too, but please remain open to the idea that someday you will find a woman or man to love you, as I have found Lan Zhan."

      "We will be here in the Garden. Take the time you need," said Lan Zhan. Then he and Wei Ying took their places on a bench at a discreet distance from the house as Anshi went inside. Lan Zhan felt Wei Ying lay a heavy head on his shoulder, and he reached down and gripped his husband's hands. He felt Wei's empathetic sorrow, and he laid a comforting kiss on the top of his unruly hair.

      "It will be alright, my Love. Anshi will be firm and kind. She needs to face reality, and hints and gentle persuasion have not worked."

     "Anshi has had more than his share of heartache to overcome from an earlier age. He lost everything and everyone at a time when he should have been free to experience all the joy of his youth."

     "As my Wei Ying did."

     "True. But I also found security within the Jiang Clan at a fairly early age. I was lucky to have had that stability, despite Madame Yu and her Zidian. Thanks to the Gods, Yenay found Our Singer, and he has overcome much. He has a generous heart, but it will never fully mend without this search of his."

     "Mhn. And this will be a hard journey. One only he can make. He has the tools and independence to do this. I believe he will succeed."

      When Anshi stepped into the Bungalow, Xiao Mian was busy bringing tea and refreshments to the kitchen table. She smiled in delight, and he could see hope in her large brown eyes. She was a lovely young girl, her features were almost an exact match for her lost mother but missing the harder edge that Mian Mian had developed as a warrior and a cultivator. It was going to make it more difficult than ever to have this talk that would effectively end her dreams. He swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry, reaching for that inner resolve that he strove to copy from Lan Zhan. Wei Ying's gentler approach would not work this time.

      "Good Morning, Anshi."

     "Good Morning, Little Sister." He read the disappointment at his salutation clearly on her face as a sudden fearful awareness appeared. Xiao Mian paled a bit. However, she shoved down the fear that was growing as she watched the seriousness on Anshi's face.

      "How are the preparations going for the trip?"

     "Well, very well. I have to hire some guides that are familiar with the far western area, surrounding the Great Steppe, and training for everyone on raising and dismantling the yurts will begin this week. I have a few more loose ends to tie up, letters of credit, and introductions from Xi Chen."

     She interrupted her voice small, yet upfront.
  
     "And I gather that I am one of those loose ends. What is wrong with me? Why can't you love me? No matter how much I try, how much I love you, no matter how much I want to help you and make you happy again, I will never be good enough for you."

     His face softened. "Xiao Mian, I would never consider you a loose end. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are charming and I wish I could fall in love with you. But it comes down to you being my sister. We may not have the same blood, but you are a sister to me, and I care deeply for you."

     " But not enough,"

       "More than enough, just differently than you hoped for. I honestly do not think that I can ever commit to anyone in that way."

      "Oh, you will. One day you will fall in love, hard, and it won't be with me." Her voice sounded bitter, and tears formed in her eyes.

      "I am not hopeful of that. There is an emptiness in my heart that remains, despite all I do to fill it. It is made up of a child's darkest fears, of desiring death at an early age, of abuse and abandonment. Of searching for anything remaining of what was stolen from me. I am telling you this, something I have told few before, so you can begin to experience your own life fully. Not to continue latching on to a hopeless situation."

     He reached over and took her hand as her first tears began to fall.

    " I cannot, and will not ever, be able to be a husband to you."

     She jerked her hand away in a sudden burst of fury and wiped her tears away, angrily. Better anger, than to show despair.

     She glared at him. "You talk about your feelings. Well, mine are mine. So, you listen to me! You are so stupid. You are a mean, stupid idiot. To just take the love offered and throw it back. I never thought you could be this mean. All you want to do is break my heart.

      I hate you. There, you got your wish, Anshi the Great Singer. I just hate you right now. Go. Go on your quest and forget about me and... Cloud Recesses and...and all of us.

     She stomped her small foot, in full possession of an adolescent tantrum. He was glad to see it. Perhaps the anger would mitigate the pain for a little while.

     Anshi rose and bowed.

     "Lan Xiao Mian. I am honored that you have chosen me as your first love. I cannot return your affection and therefore, I must decline your confession. You will always remain my beloved sister, and I am heartily sorry for my shortcomings in this matter. I wish you a thousand years of happiness."

      And he left the Bungalow, only to hear a teacup smash against the front door, then her bedroom door slid violently closed with the sound of a splintering frame.

      "I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR SISTER, YOU STUPID IDIOT!" She raged. "GO TO YOUR HORRIBLE STEPPES. I HOPE YOU GET LOST THERE AND NEVER COME BACK!"