Anshi: The Lost Eagle of the Steppes

First Dawning of a Newly Opened Heart

At some point, in the earliest hours of the morning, before dawn was even considering when to appear, Anshi opened his eyes. Something was different, delightfully different.

It was the first time he could remember waking up, accompanied.

Not just that, but lying close, lying safe, lying loved. Wanted. Needed by someone.

Cherished.

He tightened his strong arm around the sleeping Han and inhaled the scent of lilac and rain. Like a new spring day after a soaking drizzle has pulled out the fresh, tiny, purple blossoms. The scent of his lover.

His unexpected yet so natural lover.

He slowly buried his head into the silky dark of Han's hair and the sleeping man nestled back, unconsciously seeking out the body spooned against him. Anshi felt his heart open even further, as the rightness of this coupling, of them, began to sink in.

Suddenly he understood and he let go of long-held envy. It had never been an envy that obsessed him, just a deep and sad longing of a lost soul who had seen great love laid out before him, and his own certain melancholy that it was never something he was meant to have.

Lan Zhan and Wei Ying. Yenay and Qinyang. Lan XiChen and his lost General Ming. Love for the ages. He had long thought he was incapable of this feeling yet, here, in the heart of a place he loathed and in the loving embrace of a man he once thought a monster, he had found it. He understood at long last.

He was exhausted but found himself wide awake. He did not mind. He knew that they only had months before he needed to leave as spring grasslands called his caravan forth again. He also knew that Han had a Queen and Childe King to protect until the royal seat was safe from plots and treachery. Permanence was not their future. But living life and loving fully would be, for the time they were to be allotted. He felt hot tears burn his eyes and he blinked them away quickly. No. No. He refused to wallow in melancholy before it was time. There would be plenty of times when he was back on the road for those.

He watched the face before him, softly illuminated in the lamplight. Han was beautiful, the skin was soft and the features, quiet in repose, looked younger than most men his age. It had never suffered the push and pull of a razor, so the pores were flawless, and the lines were practically invisible; probably an after-effect of the castration at such a young point in his life. His voice when he spoke had deepened however and he had kept his slim body well-toned although it did not carry the body mass that Anshi did. The scarring though, hurt Anshi to his core. In his youthful ignorance and the blindness of his irreparable losses, he had refused to see another in as much agony as himself.

He felt his composure begin to crumble and he must have made a sound as he tried to calm himself for Han stirred and his soft eyes opened. He raised his hand and touched Anshi's stricken and desperate visage.

"Anshi? My love?"

"I...I...am ashamed. So terribly ashamed."

Han raised up, worried and instantly awake.

"What has happened?"

Anshi's head hung and his voice was low. "I hate them. I hate what they did to you. And I hate myself for not seeing it then. For being so self-centered and uncaring."

Han brushed the auburn hair from Anshi's miserable face. "Oh no, My Singer. No. You were a terrified child. You saw only your slaughtered family. You knew only pain and destruction. You could not have seen anything more. What could two children do against forces like that? We could look out for ourselves and only ourselves."

"But look at what you lost. It is monstrous, what they did to you."

"Anshi. Why compare an apple to a loquat? Your damage compared to mine makes no logical sense. Think on it. If they had not done these things, would we have this moment? This night? Would we have until Spring to love one another?"

Anshi shook his head.

"Then why do you not see? You said earlier tonight that my scars are beautiful. Yours are to me as well. The stripes along our backs are precious to me. Twin markings, brandings that marry us to one another. The whip that was used on us that final day, was something I learned to love because we shared it. Our blood mingled there. I could touch it and pretend we were together, happy and carefree. It had the opposite effect on me than the prince intended. All of these things went into a bond that will always tie us together. Do you see what I mean, now?"

The Emerald's head nodded. "What has made you so wise?"

Han smiled. "Years of living in my head, I suppose. A eunuch must, at all times, keep self-contained. The only way to survive was to dedicate myself to my slavery and to make myself indispensable. Acquired knowledge becomes excellent bargaining chips.

Even though the Crown Prince disliked me, he needed to use me. I learned all I could about every minister and servant above me. Their strengths and weaknesses. I gathered and exchanged information. And one day a Singer appeared again, and I knew you had survived. I had rediscovered hope.

I found out the prince had tried to possess you, again. But your gift protected you and you sought him out in return. I waited after that, finding a way to make contact by helping Cloud Recesses and returning our kidnapped people at the same time."

Han smoothed the dark red hair and Anshi leaned into the stroking. It was comforting. He found that feeling of proprietary possession to be soothing and he softly kissed the mouth in front of him. Han wrapped his arms around him and whispered. "Ahhh, my love, the moment I saw the glory that you had become, I found my heart again. My beloved lived and he was magnificent!

Close your eyes now. We can talk again tomorrow. We have so much more to explore, my love, but you are too tired right now for more remembrance. Get some sleep. I will keep bad dreams away from you."

They retreated under the quilts, entangled and happy once more. Han smiled. Sharing his heart with the person he loved was so much nicer than living alone in his mind. He breathed in the crisp, cool Lan sandalwood, the scent of peace and calm, and fell deeply asleep in Anshi's embrace.

When the dawn finally, made an entrance, it did it as softly as possible. as though it was reluctant to disturb its newest set lovers.