Anshi: The Lost Eagle of the Steppes

Wanting What Might Never Happen

Anshi was restless after the morning talk with Xiao Mian and the talk the night before with Qiang.. The emotions of both teens were so raw, and in an elemental way he envied them. These were areas in his own heart that he never allowed to reign. always secured gagged and bound behind a stone wall.

His only experience of allowing himself to love another other than family and Yenay had been the strange and twisted feelings of a child turning into a teen and in the thrall of the Crown Prince of Qian. As he looked back, he was being carefully groomed to love the older youth, to adore this supposed rescuer. He had been so dazzled and dependant on him that he believed himself in love; master and slave, benefactor and emotionally starved recipient. It became his norm to ignore the oddities of his arrival at court and his sudden rise to favorite. Fortunately, or unfortunately (depending on one's point of view), his voice breaking a few times as he entered puberty, and the overheard rumors of the Prince ordering the extermination of those he loved, brought things to ahead. His torturous fall to the commonslave auctions, the realization that he had been deceived by someone he had worshipped and was revealed to be his family's killer, had stunted that area of his emotional development.

Frozen in time , a gold finch trapped forever in golden amber, he had no idea of what he was looking for, or if he was capable of finding it. And if found, would he be able to return it? He absolutely did not love Xiao Mian in return. It was something he was sure of. He loved her as a sister, or a cousin. He was also certain that he loved as a brother, as a son and as the lost member of a decimated clan. But romantic love?

Romantic love, as life partner experiencing unparalleled passion? He was lost in that kind of maze. He had no idea how he was even able to begin a search. He had urges of a natural sort, like any man, but he could not even tell if he was attracted to women or men. Or, if was it possible, to both?

He knew of his father's deep love for his mother.

He overheard the agony of Yenay when she related her banishment from Qinyang and Cloud Recesses to his father one night. He saw how in love the two women were when she brought him home from the slave auction. 

He was dazzled by the passionate soulmates Wei Ying and Lan Zhan. Their intense love and breakable devotion seemed above anything he could be destined for.

He had been enchanted by the airborne love between Lan XiChen and Hu Ming.

All incredible forms of true and passionate love. But were any of these examples possible for him to achieve? As he grew to maturity, the thought was ever-present in his mind.

After staring blankly at his paperwork, he gave up and made his way outside into the camp to clear his head and observe his brother and cousin at their first day at work. He arrived at the milking station just as an angry camel spit right down the front of Xiao Mian's milking coat. The horrified girl stood in shock. As the handler removed the camel, somehow she hung on to the the basin of precious, frothy liquid and did not spill a drop. Dawa Tuya suppressed a grin and ran to take it from her. He heard the other woman soothe her charge.

"Good job Xiao Mian. you saved every bit. Camel's milk is hard to come by. Let's go back to the yurt and clean that coat then have a cup of tea, shall we?" The girl smiled weakly.

"I was okay?" Her voice was shaky.

The older woman patted her shoulder. "Better than I was when I first took on a camel. You showed a lot of courage. Of course, practice at this every morning and you will become better at it."

"Will she do that every time?"

"Until she gets used to you. She still catches me unguarded sometimes, obnoxious old bitch!"