To My Love

To My Love: My throne

The carriage was moving extra fast. It tipped at every sharp turn there was on the road. I went in and out of consciousness. I kept my eyes closed. I didn't even want to see James or any man. They all disgusted me now. They disgusted me before but now they make me want to kill them. I wanted James to kill him. I wanted him to feel my pain.
I felt as if I was freezing to death. My heart was cold and my hair stood up on the back of my neck. James kept rubbing my hair as if it would make me feel more safe. But nothing could make me feel safe. I wondered if I would ever be able to see a man's face again and not feel pain.
We arrived at the palace with an abrupt stop. James picked me up like a baby and carried me into the house. I stayed silent. I had no more words after I had used all of them into my screams. I had no more tears left to cry. My cheeks itched from soaking up my salty tears. My red hair dangled out of the ribbon. It draped over my face and covered it from shame. James brought me up to my room and laid me gently on the bed. "James." I whispered. He stopped and looked at me as if he was waiting for me to speak. He was shadowing over my body like a raven, waiting for death. "My legs, I- I can't feel them" I whimpered while reaching for them. I tried to cry with tears but all I could let out was soft whimpers. He grabbed my hands and kissed them long and softly. His kindness made me want to cry harder. "Can I take this off of you?" He asked while holding the torn piece of my skirt.
I was hesitant to even answer, just to let out a nod with no words. But for some reason I trusted him. After all of this hatred we had...I trusted him. "Yes." I began to cry again, with tears. I sniffled as he let go of my hands and began to lift my skirt. James's face became pale. He was embarrassed to see me like this. Naked and afraid. But there was something else, his face stayed panicked. It made me panic. "What? What is it." I asked concerned. He wiped off his panic to calm me and began to take off my stockings instead of my skirt. "There- there's just a little, um- blood." He shivered. It didn't seem to worry me after he told me I was bleeding. My mother used to tell me it was normal to bleed during sex, to make me prepared for the most unromantic situations. I repeated my thoughts back to James. "My mother used to tell me it was normal to bleed during and after sex." James looked up at me with a cocked brow. "It's not." James said quickly. "It's not if you do it right." He followed. "This...this was wrong Ruth."
I closed my eyes and let a tear roll out of them onto my pillow as I let James undress me. To know that James was right made me sick. What happened to me was wrong and I had to accept that.
Later that night the maids gave me a warm bath and scrubbed the man's seed out of me so I wouldn't bare a child. I looked at myself in the mirror. I didn't look any different, but I felt different. Even after the bath I felt dirty. I laid in my bed and stared at the ceiling. The baby angles that were painted on the dome of my room were dancing in my mind. Beautiful. I felt alone. And empty. I was cold and tired but yet I could not go to sleep.
I got up from the bed and walked around my room a bit. I stood by the fire and warmed my legs. The room felt small so I went into the hall. I made sure my footsteps were quiet and I went down to the hall to look at the painting of James. The one that made him look kind. I stood there for hours looking at his features that were exaggerated. I missed him. He made me feel safe.
I walked back upstairs to him room. I stood In front of the door hesitant to turn the knob. I closed my eyes and quietly entered the room. I stepped slowly to the bed where he laid fast asleep. He had a light snore and was tucked in his heavy comforter. I opened up the comforter and laid in the bed. We were faced to face. His eyes were closed and his long lashes were draped over, almost touching his cheeks. He hadn't felt me get into the bed and that's what I hoped. But then I felt it. His breath on my neck. Like the man's. My heart stopped and I jumped out off the bed. I breathed hard and fast. I ran to the door and shut it quietly. I prayed he didn't know I was in there. I ran to my room and jumped in my bed like a scared child. I threw the covers over my head and cried myself to sleep that night.

The next morning I awoke with my face stiff. It must've been from the tears last night. I stepped out of my room and made my way to James's room. I opened it quietly and called for his name. "James?" There was no response. He wasn't in his room. A maid that was folding his blouses looked over at me and said "Lord James is in his study." I nodded my head at her and left the room. Did I really want to find him? I was hoping for a dead end looking for him in his room and I got one... why did I want more? I knew why. I had an adrenaline rushing through my veins. I wanted to take down the man who did this to me and every man who would ever force themselves on a woman. I ran to James's study and swung open the doors. James looked up from his paperwork with shock. He pulls down his glasses and looks at me. "Ruth I-" he began to speak but I cut him off "I want to take my throne. I'm ready, I will marry you" I said with a slight grin on my face. The amount of power I felt was impeccable. I was ready to take what was rightfully mine. James smiled at me and came to meet me at the door.